With Extreme Rules behind us, and a new Number One Contender named, we begin the road to Great Balls of Fire. (Seriously, that’s what they named it.)
As soon as Bray Wyatt blew out his electric lantern and we got a glimpse at his creepy gaze, you could tell we were in for a hell of a promo. It wasn’t too different from the usual feeling you get after most of his entrances, but before Braun Strowman got hurt and WWE had to shuffle the deck (which, after seeing how the Extreme Rules main event went, I’d say it was a successful shuffle), it seemed that Bray Wyatt was ready for a deep journey into the heart and soul of the Demon, Finn Balor. My money would have been on Balor being the one to challenge Wyatt tonight. Instead, we got … Roman Reigns. Not who I was hoping to see, but being such a Wyatt mark myself (enough for me to use him as a primary influence for my newborn son’s first name), and considering the most recent glimpse of Wyatt on my TV screen was him getting Speared the hell in half, I wasn’t upset about it.
Reigns had heard enough before he heard anything out of Wyatt at all, and snatched the microphone during building-vibrating chants of “ROMAN SUCKS!” Before we knew it, an official was in the ring, Reigns gave Wyatt a swift uppercut, and we immediately had a match on our hands. It always amazes me how WWE superstars could give their all in a match on a Sunday night and then do the same thing on Monday night in front of the same capacity of audience. That’s just what Reigns and Wyatt did, starting RAW off with a bang that only a 32-minute segment between two top guys could produce.
The match had many near-falls, high collision impacts, and made each guy dig deeper than they normally would for a non-PPV match. (Although I have to admit, last week, both these guys had awesome matches on RAW, with Reigns facing Rollins and Wyatt in a Triple Threat with Samoa Joe and Finn Balor.) Reigns finished off this match with another hellacious Spear, but this time, Balor wasn’t around to break up the three-count, and Reigns got the W. Before RAW began, my Great Balls of Fire (lol) prediction would be we’d see Rollins vs. Reigns and Wyatt vs. Finn. Now, I’m ready for anything.
A championship celebration
There are so many reasons why you could say The Miz was the MVP of the night, and that includes Samoa Joe (more on him shortly). In one segment, Miz: (a) proposed a toast to himself, (b) gave a man dressed as a teddy bear a Skull Crushing Finale, and (c) beat the hell (and I mean the hell) out of a grandfather clock that Maryse bought for him. Ambrose is never far from Miz’s trail, and disguised himself as a cameraman in order to infiltrate the party. Ambrose gave Miz a gift-wrapped Dirty Deeds before leaving the ring.
Even though Ambrose got the better of Miz tonight, I am ready to live in a world where Miz is forever the Intercontinental Champion. Sure, it’d be insanely fun to see him get a Universal Championship push and to picture him in matches against Samoa Joe, Brock Lesnar, and even Roman Reigns or Seth Rollins, but if Miz is always going to be standard bearer of the mid-card, we could be doing a whole lot worse for ourselves. (See: Ambrose, Dean)
Large man vs. Beast
Samoa Joe says he’s incapable of fearing Brock Lesnar, but lets be honest — if you have eyes and a heart, you fear Brock Lesnar. While Samoa Joe was listing things he was jealous about Lesnar, he mentioned Paul Heyman. Joe wants Heyman as an advocate. Joe probably didn’t expect to literally get Paul Heyman right then and there, but that’s just what he got. I’ve never heard Heyman call any potential Lesnar opponent to the worst case scenario for his client, but that’s about the highest compliment he could give somebody.
Joe was able to send a message to Lesnar that not many guys would have the gumption for by choking out Paul Heyman. This feud is just beginning, and already we got one of the most memorable moment of 2017 out of it, even before Lesnar made an appearance; as Joe was walking out of the ring with Heyman’s limp body working to catch up on the oxygen it lost, the crowd began chanting, “WE WANT BROCK!” Not missing a beat, Joe picked up the nearest mic and screamed, “SO DO I!” It was the stuff legendary heels are made of.
Even though Joe literally just left a grown man lying in a pile of his own bones, Seth Rollins didn’t seem to be phased as he challenged Joe to a match that eventually became the main event of the evening. Joe won the match with an assist from Wyatt, who wasn’t actually seen, only heard. (The lights went off and Wyatt’s sound played. You know the sound.) One Coquina Clutch later and Rollins was done. Next week: BRRRRROCK LESSSSSNAR!!!!!!!!
Highlight reel
- Hey, a Conscious Enzo sighting! Big Cass was insulted that people would start a rumor that he as the one who made his best friend unconscious; I had my doubts, but after Cass was found lying in a pile of backstage things (the scientific term), and all that was left was Enzo’s chain, it was obvious there were other players in this game. Corey Graves even got a surprise visit at the booth when Kurt Angle showed up with something on his phone, but once again Graves would plead the fifth when asked about it. Enzo needed to find a partner fast if he didn’t want to forfeit to The Club, so naturally he asked the only other 7-footer on the roster, Big Show. Show came out, did some ridiculous mic work with Enzo, and they got the quick victory over the team that hasn’t won a match on RAW since April.
- I want to walk with Elias! In fact, I’d put his music on my iPod and drive right to the nearest beach just so I could walk with Elias on a beach. I’d take that iPod to Spain so I could run with the bulls, and Elias. If it weren’t for an interruption by WWE’s resident denim expert, Dean Ambrose, we may have gotten to hear Samson’s personal plug for his sweet, new shirt.
- Sheamus & Cesaro took longer to walk to the ring and flex their new, shiny hardware than it took to defeat the ex-SmackDown Live Tag Team Champions, Heath Slater & Rhyno. For comparison, the match was about the same length of time it took the champs to orally fart out their newest slogan, “We don’t just set the bar, WE ARE THE BAR!!!” #FreeCesaro, always.
- With Austin Aries completely out of the Cruiserweight Championship picture (which was expected, considering his 0-3 record in title matches against Neville), the King of the Cruiserweights finally got around to accepting TJP’s challenge for the title. All TJP had to do was defeat Mustafa Ali, and Neville would let the proper authorities know that he accepted the challenge. Sadly, TJP did defeat Ali, which means we will see him (and his awful Dab) fight for Neville’s title on 205 Live. The only man who deserves to take Neville’s title (at least in the eyes of us fans) is Jack Gallagher, and I will jump off a building with an oversized umbrella to prove my allegiance to him.
- I can’t be the only one at least a little sad that we didn’t get to see Goldust vs. R-Truth during the Extreme Rules Kickoff Show. No, it wasn’t advertised, but it still would have been a nice surprise. Since WWE decided to give Elias Samson three minutes with a guitar, a stool, and a spotlight, I guess we can this match’s absence slide. I am loving the old-school, backstage, over-produced promos these guys are cutting on one another. If I keep telling myself that this will work out in the end, and definitely won’t lead to a seven-minute snoozefest of a match on Main Event, will it happen?
- Kalisto defeated… does it matter anymore? (Fine – he defeated Titus O’Neil while Apollo Crews was pointing and laughing. Are you happy now?)
- Even Kurt Angle admitted that last week’s This Is Your Life segment was the worst in recent RAW history, and decided that this week, Bliss would celebrate her own life by putting her title on the line for the second time in as many nights, except instead of huggable Bayley in the opposite corner, Bliss got Nia Jax. Jax was throwing Bliss around like a ragdoll when Mickie James and Dana Brooke decided to get involved, and ended up costing Nia Jax the match, and the title opportunity. Jax responded appropriately (as in basically murdering MJ and Brooke). Bliss vs. Nia Jax is a PPV caliber program, so I’m okay with extending it until (wait for it…) Great Balls of Fire. At least we got to see a backstage segment where Sasha Banks shared screen time with the RAW Women’s Championship belt. Baby steps, Boss. Baby steps.
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