7. Aaron Rodgers
Let’s just say that your Ubering somewhere near Milwaukee and some dude named Rodg wants a ride. Do you do it? Well, you do do it because you’ve got skin in the game. You pick up Rodg and find out that it’s Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers. Mid-freak out he stops you from being an idiot and Snapchatting him to you four friends by saying, “I need to go to California. If you’re cool, I’ll talk to you.”
In that moment, you channel everything cool you ever learned from MTV as a youth, but 16 and Pregnant is not doing the trick. So you wisely decide to be quiet and get Mr. Rodgers out of his Green Bay neighborhood as the best chauffeur you’ve ever known.
Rodgers may or may not be getting back together with Olivia Munn and that is the whole point of this impromptu Uber excursion. You don’t ask, largely because he’ll never tell you. Once you start to think that you’re actually being cool, Rodgers starts to talk. He tells you you’re cool (OMG…OMG…) and then starts to tell you all the juicy NFL gossip us plebs would never know.
All the while, you have zero idea why on Planet Earth Rodgers is telling you all of this. Then you realize that you’re the closest thing to California Cool besides him in the Greater Milwaukee area. He appreciates that and tips you out the wazoo. You understand this is an off-the-record transaction and this didn’t happen.
As you deposit the Aaron Rodgers hush money in the nearest Chase location in Northern California, you realize that you’ll need a good story for why you disappeared for six days. It’s obvious, right. Aliens, man. Aliens, but you know this abduction was way better than any close encounter with the third kind.