If the Colorado Rockies aren’t fun, then you don’t like baseball. The Atlanta Braves might have a new third baseman and what made baseball fun this week.
We’re in that final third of June and unless you’re a fan of the Philadelphia Phillies, the San Diego Padres and the San Francisco Giants, baseball is still fun. Sure, getting to 30 wins before the summer solstice isn’t Easy, but nothing is, no? So boo-hoo!
At least you’re metropolitan areas have cool things like cheesesteaks, bridges and zoos to entertain you on the rare occasion you’re not watching Full House re-runs, getting ready for Flip, Flip, Flip-adelphia or staying classy with the Channel 4 news team. Those are some very excellent pastimes to instead passing the time from watching some terrible baseball.
Though NBA Twitter is still ruling the world, at least through free agency, soon will it be baseball’s day in the hot, hot summer sun. We all know that the dog days are the best days for sure. Soon teams will start to think about trading dudes for dudes disguised as other dudes. The MLB trade deadline is awesome. In the words of CBS’ Bart Scott, “Can’t Wait“. In the words of Paul Westerberg, “Can’t Hardly Wait.”
Knowing very well that The Replacements had a better quarterback situation than the New York Jets is borderline hilarious. After Joe Namath, wouldn’t Shane Falco be the second-best Jets quarterback all-time? Ryan Fitzpatrick’s beard and math skills combo, though. That was something else.
Baseball did a fine job entertaining us this week. Most of the high points involved dudes that swing some lumber. If you don’t like power hitters, then this wasn’t your week in baseball. Just click on the YouTube videos, look at the pretty pictures, and get back to your daily ritual of watching Dave Coulier being confused every day about why he’s spending all this time with Bob Saget, John Stamos and the Olsen Twins. He Oughta Know, right?
Nolan Arenado Rox our socks off
For three months, we’ve been talking a lot about the snake dudes, the blue dudes and the mountain dudes out in the Wild, Wild West. NL West. Colorado. Nolan Arenado. You don’t want nada. The dude bleeds from his face better than Andrew W.K. Soon, he may be a baseball champion.
It’s debatable if he parties harder than Andrew W.K. or his beautiful bearded baseball brother named Charlie Blackmon, but Arenado is amazing at baseball. He grabs all the best high country he can find barley in that Gold Glove of his. Arenado has more Silver Bullets Sluggers than MillerCoors or Bob Saget Seger would know what to do with. He’s Like a Rock.
Just the other day, Arenado was all like “I’m gonna hit a walk-off homer and hit for the cycle at the same time.” He did that against the Bay Area baseball team that definitely took all those L’s to help the Golden State Warriors go 16-1 en route to a title. Arenado can thank Joe Lacob for that delicious meatball he crushed over the Rockies’ fence.
The Golden State might be light years ahead of everybody, but just not on the baseball diamond. This summer might be the best thing to happen to the Colorado Rockies since Rock and Roll, Part 2 and that happened back when they were a hockey team. Party Hard, Rockit, and Colorado Rockies, Part 2. Hey!
Freddie Freeman to the hot corner….tssst
It doesn’t matter what his name is, he will ALWAYS be Replacement Freddie Freeman to me. I don’t care if you hit all the home runs in the world, how dare you make the Atlanta Braves try to be creative for once. It is about The Braves Way until the end of time. You can never not have enough good pitchers and we must draft them in the first round of every draft out of high school forever.
Actually, it’s kind of cool to have a guy like Replacement Freddie Freeman on the team. He’s played ball in the third biggest pizza capital of America. Jayson Tatum knows what I’m talking about. Replacement Freddie Freeman can keep doing Replacement Freddie Freeman things until he starts to flail at sliders like Chris Johnson did not that long ago. That’s not good for anybody.
Replacement Freddie Freeman is so good at digging the long ball that he’s making The Real Thing consider switching to the hot corner and it’s Epic. Does that mean The Real Freddie Freeman has to stand up, channel his inner Eddie Mathews and become Steady Freddie? Braves Country hopes so, as it has been pretty much Faith No More at third base since Chipper Jones retired five years ago. I still hate that Infield Fly Rule. Thanks a lot, Andrelton Simmons!
Braves Country, can you feel it, see it, hear it today. If you can’t, then it doesn’t matter anyway. Freddie Freeman to third. It happened so fast….Basically, it’ll be so groovy and out of sight like this popping bass line while Freeman covers a new base line. Slappin da bass, mon.
Disclaimer: No, Epic is not a Red Hot Chili Peppers song. That is not Anthony Kiedis and I really miss John Frusciante By The Way.
I love it when you name a street after Big Papi
The most interesting man in the baseball world retired last season. David Ortiz had more fun playing baseball than any human being who ever lived. It’s only natural that the former Boston Red Sox slugger gets a street named after him.
We all knew that Yawkey Way Extension was a cruddy name for a street anyway. David Ortiz Drive is better, but shouldn’t it have been Big Papi Street? To be honest, Boston should rename entire subdivisions and townships after the greatest baseball champion the city has ever known. The way Papi used to Hypnotize us when he was at the plate with that sweet swing of his, it’s right up there with Wade Boggs cross-country flight for sure.
Was it all a dream that Ortiz played 14 fantastic years for the Red Sox? The Minnesota Twins never though he’d amount to nothing. But Papi knew very well who he was. He didn’t let the Twins hold him down. Ortiz reached for the stars with the Red Sox to win three World Series. Of course he should have a street named after him, but not that many. The more things named after Big Papi, the better.
You’re darn right Aaron Judge is in the Home Run Derby!
Baseball did the right thing. They’re gonna put Jack Jorgensen’s giant son on the New York Yankees in the Home Run Derby. Jack and all the Yankees fans in the world have never been prouder. Aaron Judge is going places in his young life. The Home Run Derby is the next step.
Technically, Judge did get drafted by the Harlem Globetrotters the other day, so watch out. He might be more of a renaissance man than Leonardo da Vinci. We’ll never know because we NEED Judge to beat the snot out of some baseballs in Marlins Park in a few weeks. He CANNOT decline his home run derby invitation.
It is a right of passage for the young power-hitting goliath in the Bronx, so it must happen. Otherwise, Jack will ground his giant son by taking away his beloved fidget spinner he loves so much.
Baseball needs a home run champion like Judge needs to wreck that ugly sculpture in left-center field like Edward Norton did to Jared Leto’s face in that bar and grill basement in that movie that one time that the first two rules about it are that we can’t talk about, so we won’t.
H to the Rizzo, AAA for the Schwarber
You know who likes hitting leadoff for the Chicago Cubs? First baseman Anthony “H to the” Rizzo. He loves it! That unorthodox swing of his is perfectly suited to go yard at the Friendly Confines all the time. Rizzo should let manager Joe Maddon know how he feels about it with a little float commandeering and some good, old-fashioned Danke Schoen, maybe a little Twist and Shout?
Well, you know how HATES hitting leadoff for the Cubs? The positionless slugger that is Kyle Schwarber. We may never know where to put him in the field, but he absolutely 100 percent does not belong in the leadoff hole. He was so bad at it that Theo Epstein banished him to Des Moines, Iowa.
Next: Best MLB player from each state
While it’s all H to the Rizzo, it’s AAA for good, old Schwarber. Though it might feel like Siberia but with corn, Iowa is technically where Field of Dreams happened. That sure was a fantastic few years for Kevin Costner. Then Waterworld happened and his credibility drowned overnight. Don’t be like Mr. Tin Cup. Find yourself in Iowa and get yourself back to Wrigleyville, dude.
Note: That six-year run by Costner was epic, but not quite Faith No More “Epic”. He was so much better than Steve Guttenberg, but he didn’t have the eye of Tiger Woods.