What made baseball fun this week: Tim Tebow and little else
By John Buhler
When Tim Tebow is the best story your sport can offer us, yes, you had a bad week, baseball, but that’s okay. We’ll survive just like the St. Lucie Mets.
They all can’t be zingers. It was a terrible week for baseball. We’re gonna chalk it up to dropping your steamy nachos on the sidewalk just before you were about to enjoy them. Sometimes you write articles praising the mountain dudes and then they immediately crater. Occasionally you’ll be asked to throw out a first pitch and you’ll mess it up because you don’t play that kind of ball. Thank God for Tim Tebow, right?
Saint Tebow is now playing in a city with Saint in its name. All of jorts-wearing Gator Nation is chomping at the bit because of this. He can’t play for them no more, but the saintly southpaw can now slug some baseballs against 20-year-olds at a higher level. Remember, there’s no crying in baseball or football for that matter. It did happen in that movie with Forrest Gump and Papa Don’t Preach in it…and at the Georgia Dome this one time.
It’s okay, baseball. You’ve got plenty of time to totally redeem yourself by All-Star Weekend. This was your worst week of the season, but we’re not going to make you eat red soap. Just try better next time. Not sure you tried, so we’ll just toss your cake in the trash until you learn to eat your meat before you have any pudding.
Tim Tebow is moving on up and you’re not
In America, we tend to celebrate even the smallest of accomplishments. Just the other day, some former Florida Heisman Trophy winning quarterback was hitting all two-22 and got himself promoted to High-A baseball. Shake it off, Dawg Nation. You know that you’ll see Tebow again at some point in the fall during SEC Nation.
Not only did Tebow get promoted to sell more seats with the St. Lucie Mets, but he did this to a baseball in his first game with his new minor league. It was majestic like a wolf lamp, but no, you don’t have to call him Dragon after that dinger. Just accept that Tebow is in St. Lucie and move on.
Just because you ball for a living doesn’t mean you can throw a baseball
Baseball has to stop with this. Just because a guy is a good athlete doesn’t mean he can throw a baseball. Major league cities with NBA teams in them decided that it was a neat idea to bring top-draft picks to the ball park and throw some first pitches. It was not a good idea.
Lonzo Ball gave the world a weak sauce toss before a Los Angeles Dodgers game. Is that how all Big Ballers throw? At least it was better than this monstrosity of a pitch tossed by Josh Jackson at an Arizona Diamondbacks game. Guess who’s not doing a K-Love outlet pass in Phoenix like ever? That pitch was just a bit outside.
Rule of thumb: Ask a person if they have ever played baseball or softball before. If they say no, then they can’t throw out the first pitch, no matter how nice their NBA sneakers might be.
Welcome to the bad dads club, idiot Mets fan.
If you want a crash course on how to spend the rest of your failing marriage sleeping on the couch, do exactly what this Mets fan did at a Dodgers game. In his eyes, you can always have another kid, but how many opportunities do you have to catch a baseball from Jay Bruce in a Dodgers/Mets game?
Well, probably more now, as this guy’s wife isn’t letting him take her out to the ball game any more. You had one job which was hold the baby. He didn’t do it and now everybody has laughed at him for a week so Ha! Don’t leave him with the babies.
Not a thang to smile about for Smyly
When the Seattle Mariners traded for Drew Smyly this winter, they thought their were getting a solid middle of the rotation southpaw. We are now halfway through the season and we will have to wait another year to see what Smyly can do in a Mariners uniform.
He unfortunately torn his UCL and will need Tommy John surgery. The Mariners have hovered around .500, but it’s not helping them make the playoffs. They have the longest active playoff drought in baseball. The last time the Mariners got in, you could still buy games on your Nintendo 64 or play Cool Boarders 3 on PlayStation.
So we’re cutting catchers now? Come on, Cubs!
There are a lot of reasons why it was a terrible idea to put your hard-earned money on the Chicago Cubs to win the World Series. It did take them 108 years to win one. They don’t really know who their leadoff hitter. It should be Jason Hayward, but he can’t hit despite on the cusp of getting voted into an All-Star Game. We also know that it’s not Kyle Schwarber because Theo Epstein banished him to Iowa.
What else troubles the Cubs? Simple things like holding runners on. We all know that Jon Lester is all Chuck Knoblauch on that mound trying to throw to first. Now apparently reigning Cy Young winner Jake Arrieta is rancid at holding runners on. He’s so bad at it that he allowed seven stolen bases in a game. Backup catcher Miguel Montero was upset, blamed Arrieta and got cut.
Yes, tossing blame at the ace of a staff is never a good thing, but you have to hold runners on better. Like that’s your job, pitcher. Figure it out. Your team needs to figure it out. The first half was not good. Cubbies need to catch fire to make it back to October. Also, Kris Bryant is hurt but that Insta pic with Bryce Harper was cute. It was honestly a good picture. Vegas bros for life!
Colon stank in San Diego and now he ain’t a Brave no more
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! This is the saddest day in baseball in a very long time. Beloved big guy and fastball heaver Bartolo Colon isn’t on the Atlanta Braves any more. He straight up stank in his return to the rotation in San Diego on Wednesday night and was DFA’d.
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Is this the end of Colon in the big leagues? Let’s hope not. The Baltimore Orioles could use him in their rotation in what looks to be a lost season for the O’s. If this is the end of the road for Colon, we will fondly remember him for his belly moves, his rivalry with Ervin Santana, his issues with a helmet, that home run he hit that one time and this exercise he did to get ready to stink it up for the 2017 Braves. Pour a cold one out for Colon. He deserves it and probably a statue at Citi Field. Queens, figure it out.