Baseball and James Bond? Why not? Yesterday’s announcement of the starting lineups for the 2017 All-Star Game has us thinking: who are the “All-Stars” for MI6, as well as for the villains they face? And how would we place them in a lineup card?
Admittedly, Bond and baseball don’t exactly mix. At least, not yet. (It is difficult to imagine 007 enjoying a beer and a hot dog.) Plus, the closest thing the British secret agent has come to the game of baseball is a cricket field (which didn’t make the final cut) in Casino Royale:
But baseball has an interesting sort of hierarchy, in the “lineup.” It isn’t exactly a best-to-worst order of hitters. Rather, it is hitters strategically-placed to maximize their strengths. For our purposes, in listing a Starting Nine for both MI6 and Villains, we’ll refer to the standard practices of setting lineups. In other words, how might we describe these characters in terms of filling out a lineup card?
Villains All-Stars
The starting lineup is made up of the nine most iconic Bond villains and henchmen/henchwomen.
Winter is Coming
Make no mistake, these Villains are heavy hitters. The team is mostly made up of mashers, but it also features some who must work around physical limitations.
Manager: Blofeld (player/manager)
1. May Day
The lead-off hitter is often the fastest player on the team, and it is reasonable to think of May Day as not only an exceptional athlete, but also one who is fleet of foot, as evidenced in her escape from Bond in Paris.
2. LeChiffre
LeChiffre is calculating, just the type of person you’d want hitting in a spot where control is needed. He is capable of working the count and getting walks.
3. Xenia Onatopp
In the third spot, you want someone who can hit for average, hit for power, drive in runs. We know Onatopp can “hit,” and when given the opportunity to put a “hurt” on the opponent, she does it. What’s more, she is capable of pulling off a surprise “squeeze” play.
4. Ernst Stavro Blofeld
Who else to bat clean-up but Blofeld? He is the heart of the lineup.
5. Jaws
6. Odd Job
The clean-up hitter needs protection from the two hitters behind him, and that protection comes from solid henchmen. We’ll place Jaws ahead of Odd Job due to having more power. Neither has speed, though, making them a double-play liability.
7. Emilio Largo
Another heavy hitter, Largo sees his stock drop, to #7, because of the eye patch on his left eye. This is especially problematic for someone who’s right-handed, as Largo demonstrates himself to be in the skeet-shooting scene in Thunderball.
8. Rosa Klebb
Klebb’s strengths are in kicking, rather than hitting. But her ability to spike infielders and break up double plays make her an asset.
9. Dr. Julius No
A man with no hands: there is no place for him except the bottom of the lineup.
MI6 All-Stars
The MI6 team is made up of both MI6 agents and their allies. The team relies more on brains and moxie than brawn. The starters here are the nine most prominent “Good Guys.”
Manager: M
1. Wai Lin
Why Wai Lin? The Chinese agent is a “hitter,” and she rarely misses. That kind of contact ability makes her an easy choice for the lead-off spot.
2. Eve Moneypenny
Eve has described herself as willing to assist in “any way” she can. This puts her in the #2 hole: she is able to lay down a sacrifice to move runners.
3. Felix Leiter
Our “Brother from Langley” is often left to his own devices, which makes him a perfect #3 hitter. As the book says, this spot often needs to create runs himself.
4. James Bond
Like Blofeld, Bond is the heavy hitter on this team and absolutely must hit cleanup.
5. Camille Montes
Montes is nice complement to Bond. Not only is she tough, gritty, and capable of packing a wallop, she tends to be there when Bond needs her most. She has his back.
6. Q
For the most part, Q would rather be in his pajamas, sipping “Earl Grey,” than doing anything
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physical. This makes him the perfect candidate to hit in the bottom third of the lineup. But we also figure that if any player is going to cork a bat or use too much pine tar, it is going to be Q. He may bend the rules, from this standpoint, but he’ll also get some timely hits because of it.
7. Teresa (Tracy) di Vicenzo
Tracy is the right hitter to be following Q: in the event that he gets on, she is clutch. She manages to make an “appearance” when it is needed most, as is the case in Switzerland in On Her Majesty’s Secret Service.
8. Bill Tanner
Tanner is Chief of Staff, which makes him the glue of the team. But at the same time, he is a quiet leader and unproven in difficult situations. We’ll simply say he is steady, but not spectacular.
9. Vesper Lynd
Vesper is thought of as a traitor, which makes her a perfect fit for the 1919 White Sox. But as a member of the MI6 team, a lack of trust puts her at the end of the lineup. Not much can be expected of her.
Snubs
Of course, it’s not an All-Star lineup without any discussion of “snubs.” So we have to acknowledge there are some, here. Stromberg, Mr. White, Silva, and Mr. Hinx are notably absent from the Villains squad. Jinx, Mathis, and Madeleine Swann didn’t make our starting nine for the MI6 team.
Let the debate begin.