The latest installment of “Get Off My Lawn” features but one tip for a slew of 2017 NBA draftees: Get a freaking haircut, man.
I have a tip, and it’s an important one, for all the NBA Rookies out there looking to cut through the clutter and stand out in front of the admiring groupies … get a haircut. Or just fire your barber and hire a good one.
Either path works fine. Whichever brings better results the fastest is really the crux of my recommendation here.
From watching the NBA Draft proceedings over the years, I am more than accustomed to seeing a series of terrible suits, awkward hugs and handshakes gone awry, but the hair is seriously starting to become alarmingly bad.
Yes, I’m looking directly at you Josh Jackson and Johnathan Isaac. Because when the first question you are asked after getting drafted into the NATIONAL BASKETBALL ASSOCIATION is something along the lines of ‘so how you will fit your team hat on top of your hair’ — well, we have a problem.
Now, I fully realize I sound like a bit of a curmudgeon for calling out 19-year-old kids for their style choices, but I am basing my analysis on fact.
Bad hair and the NBA do not coexist and there is undeniable proof. Let’s take a quick look at NBA players who adopted the “Crazy Hair Look”:
Elfred Payton: Elfred needs to worry less about the ultimate Point Break wave residing atop his head and a whole lot more about improving his piss-poor 3-point shooting percentage.
Something tells me that thing might be getting in the way and possibly stifling the numbers.
Kelly Olynyk: What has the hair and the man-bun done? It has caused a relatively benign NBA player to become public enemy No. 1 in multiple cities and living rooms. And that’s all because of his stupid hair (and maybe because he dislocated Kevin Love’s elbow; maybe).
Jeremy Lin: Linsanity tried out the Jimmy Neutron look last year. The result? A perfectly amused Kobe and inevitably being exiled to the NBA wasteland famously known as the Brooklyn Nets.
Congrats?
Brandon Ingram: Here is a simple formula for the Duke grad (that was a joke): Concentrate on adding weight to your frame. If not, you might be the second No. 2 pick the Lakers exile to Brooklyn (where we could have a true hair apocalypse on our hands).
Marcus Smart: Marcus had this monstrosity on top of his head earlier in 2016 and wisely chopped it off in time for the playoffs. Did it cause him to start hitting 15-footers?
Nope, but it’s a start.
Jimmy Butler: Everyone’s favorite trade chip and his exceedingly confused hair just got shipped to Minnesota for a guy who averaged 3 PPG and a leaper with a torn ACL. Great.
Imagine had he gone clean-cut? Jimmy might be coming off the bench for the Warriors in 2017.
I could go on and on, but I’m pretty sure you get the point. NBA players should stick to working on their jumpers, footwork and conditioning. Winning the hair game? Now that’s a laughable losing battle.
If you find yourself unsure of what to do with your hair, just go ahead and shave your head like Mike.
Trust me. When all else fails, be like Mike.
Yeah, like you just didn’t sing along to that.
Oh, and by the way: Never, ever spray paint your head.
NOW GET OFF MY LAWN. (I just applied my homemade summer fertilizer.)