More options for the Golden State Warriors redemption machine

You may be tired of hearing it, but the Golden State Warriors have just come off perhaps the most impressive three-season stretch in NBA history, bookended by two titles and featuring a disappointing middle season in which they merely managed to break the long-thought unbreakable record of most regular season wins. As is customary with the rise of a new Great Power (Macedonian Empire, Prussia, Bill Russell’s Celtics), fans of 29 other teams or kingdoms have embraced an outlook of cautious fatalism. What indeed is the point of attempting to halt a juggernaut that by all indications, has not even yet peaked? General managers, owners, coaches, and opposing players all have a vested interest in appropriating a brave face, but the hushed caterwauling from various corners of the league indicate more than a few of the Warriors future victims already consider themselves dead squads walking.

Notions as prosaic as “winning games” must now take the proverbial backseat to more important matters, including Golden State’s most recent attempt to keep themselves interested while defenestrating their opposition: redeeming so-called “knuckleheads” of the NBA.

This began in earnest last season with JaVale McGee joining Golden State’s “weak” Center Cerberus with Zaza Pachulia and David West. Until this recent stint, JaVale might primarily have been known to casual fans as the tall man who seemed to frequently dunk on his own basket and who had cultivated an alter-ego named Pierre. Now, JaVale’s a literal NBA champion, and his former knucklehead buddy Nick Young will be joining the Warriors to provide shooting and chutzpah off the bench, and yeah, he might get a ring in the process.

What we might term knuckleheads or goofballs have already proven themselves more than capable of contributing to championship caliber teams. For example, former Denver Nuggets Chris “Birdman” Andersen, J.R. Smith, and JaVale McGee! Generally, playing with a good team smooths out your jagged edges and brings to the fore your superlative qualities, especially with well-scripted roles and no weird mind games. And since we are speaking of the Warriors, it’s not only mere “knuckleheads” they should be signing to fill out their roster. No, any decent team can drag a “big personality with talent” across the finish line. The Warriors have an opportunity to hit the autopilot so hard literally anyone or anything could be their 15th man and prosper. They have the chance to redefine the blueprint of reality itself. And since all things must come to an end, they shouldn’t wait to bend the world to their warped beautiful vision of redeeming all goofballs, knuckleheads, sophomore slumps, misfits, outcasts, hopeless freaks, and perhaps us all. Here’s where they should start:

Andray Blatche

Besides solidifying their commitment to giving even the goofiest of the former Washington Wizards a chance, Andray Blatche would bring the Warriors something they’d be hard pressed to find elsewhere, that is to say a naturalized citizen of the Philippines. He’s a plus-sized gunner with even less conscience than Mo Speights and it’s rumored he is even aware of the existence of lumpia, which is delicious.

Jonny Flynn

The poor smiling guy that was drafted directly before Steph Curry who didn’t flame out so much as just kept walking further and further away until he was little more than a punchline, rather than a hoops loving beating heart and the proud flesh that surrounds it. Bring Jonny aboard and let him contribute, let him prove to the world that while David Kahn was a massive doofus, he still has some agency left, something still to give. Or just keep him on the bench. He seems like an affable guy who’d be down with whatever.

Rashad McCants

Poet, raconteur, Billy the Kid type. Rashad is well-travelled, with stints in Minnesota, Beirut, Strasbourg, Foshan, and other places that have never sniffed an NBA championship. How could he help the Warriors? Who cares? Maybe he’ll ask Dahntay Jones to dance during a particularly avant-garde garbage time.

O.J. Mayo

O.J. was never meant to be a knucklehead or an outcast. He was the next great shooting guard. Instead he’s a guy who turned a drug suspension from the NBA into hunting lions in Kenya, so at least he’s got the sort of disruptive vision that will make him quite at home in Silicon Valley. It’s also possible he’s still a decent basketball player, which is just found money.

Friday Night Lights Season 2

Friday Night Lights Season 2 was a real stinker. A sophomore slump of Homeric proportions, it’s hard to imagine a rotation player that would be worth less to the Golden State Warriors than the Writer’s Strike shortened season and yet this franchise is literal light years ahead of its competition. If anyone can find minutes for a disappointing season of football bildungsroman, it’s Joe Lacob and his merry band of Death Eaters.

Tom Green

Tom Green once seemed poised to take over the world with his shocking nasty antics and his propensity for cruelly making fun of his parents, but testicular cancer stalled his momentum to the Hall of Fame. He’s bravely attempted to rebrand as a less ball-hoggy star in the mold of a Grant Hill or an Antonio McDyess, but he still hasn’t ever gotten close to his former glory. The Warriors are probably his only chance at a true return to relevance. Obviously Tom Green would be a net-negative on defense and also on offense. Honestly, he’s such a wildcard he’ll probably spend most of the time on the bench heckling Steve Kerr for not incorporating more pick-and-roll action but if the Warriors want a challenge it’s not going to come from something antiquated like a “basketball team” but from a lanky Canadian funnyman.

Gary Payton/Karl Malone

Karl Malone’s and Gary Payton’s tenure with the Los Angeles Lakers could be seen perhaps as a ring-chasing proto super-team, especially considering the hubris culminated in a whooping by Darko Milicic and his Detroit Pistons. Gary Payton eventually got his ring with the Miami Heat, but poor (dead-beat dad, jerk) Karl Malone never got the opportunity to finish riding the coattails of younger stronger men all the way to the promised land. In a few years Steve Kerr — who may remember Karl Malone — may be forced to get this duo back together as a consolation prize for when Jerry West abducts Klay Thompson and forces him to become something called a “Clipper.”

Charles Barkley

The Warriors should bury the hatchet with Charles Barkley, sign him to a non-guaranteed contract, let him attempt to seize a rebound, then immediately waive him. Justice is red, Chuck.

Jolt Cola

We miss you, Jolt. The Warriors could make use of you and your caffeine.

Next: Would Carmelo Anthony actually make the Houston Rockets better?

Anthony Randolph

Anthony Randolph was the boy-man that was supposed to take the Warriors to the next level. His gazelle gait, that bizarre wending athleticism, and the obstinate fighting spirit beguiled the Bay Area, infecting their spirits with something dangerous: hope. But in the end, and mostly in the beginning and the middle as well, Randolph just couldn’t catch a break or put satisfactorily put it together. They need to bring him home. Try to imagine Anthony Randolph taking an expressionless photo with the Larry O’Brien trophy after dropping 11 hard-earned points on the 76ers in the Finals without tearing up. If you can do that, well then maybe you should join the Golden State Warriors because you are a robot.

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