Game of Thrones characters and their Premier League counterparts

Tyrion Lannister – Philippe Coutinho

What we have here are a couple little engines that could, and did, and still do. Tyrion Lannister was never supposed to amount to anything. His own father, Tywin, has always hated him for being born a dwarf and his own sister, Cersei, is constantly plotting to have him killed. And yet, he continually surpasses all expectations with his cunning and intelligence. A voracious reader and thinker, Tyrion’s greatest weapon is his mind.

Coutinho is similarly diminutive, but overcomes his lack of size with technique, smarts and incredible vision. Both he and Tyrion are natural leaders, equally capable of pulling the strings behind the scenes or leading the charge. No matter the environment, they can be counted on to have a giant influence on the outcome, usually in a positive manner.

While Tyrion usually bests his opponents with wit and superior decision-making, he was responsible for saving King’s Landing in the Battle of the Blackwater by rallying the troops after King Twerp Joffrey slithered home to mama. And yes, he almost got his face slashed off in the process, but he held off Stannis’ forces long enough for the cavalry to arrive.

Coutinho, meanwhile, does things like this:

Jaqen H’ghar – Marouane Fellaini

Jaqen H’ghar is a member of an assassination guild known as the Faceless Men of Braavos. He is the worst character on Game of Thrones and I hope I never see him again. Marouane Fellaini is a midfielder for Manchester United. He is the worst player on the squad and I hope he’s never on any team I root for.

Let’s list the annoying traits these two share: they have hard to pronounce names, they have stupid hair, they were supposed to be a lot better than they turned out to be, they make things worse when they are on the television screen and they suck.

Next: Ranking every Premier League season

I’m glad Arya stabbed Jaqen with Needle and I enjoy it when better, more skilled players — so every player — make Fellaini look ridiculous.

Enjoy the upcoming seasons of Game of Thrones and the Premier League y’all.