Adrian Beltre has more hits than you and should be able to do whatever he wants in and around an on-deck circle. Let’s make baseball fun this week!
If you were as good at anything as Adrian Beltre is at baseball, you’re darn right I shouldn’t be allowed to touch your head. Beltre HATES that more than anything. NO TOUCHING!!! You do it and he’s going to come after you like a North Carolinian lad that thinks he’s a spider monkey because he’s all jacked up on Mountain Dew. T.R., as in Texas Ranger, as in Texas Rangers.
It’s not all good in Arlington. The Rangers are down 18 games to them Rocket Boys in the AL West. It’s only almost August, but the only October Sky these boys are going be looking at this fall might be that movie with Jake Gyllenhaal and The Shermanator from American Pie in it.
I mean, is James Emanuel Levenstein playing for this team? Like they lost 22-10 to the Florida Phish Dudes on Wednesday. If the Cowboys lost to the Dolphins 22-10 that’s one thing. It probably means Dan held up his end up the bargain and kept the laces out. Ace Ventura is not answering a call from these Rangers, unless Beltre knows where Flipper is at because that darn dolphin made Hootie Darius Rucker cry.
I Only Wanna Be With You when Beltre probably breaks down and cries after getting to 3,000. Maybe then –and only then– will somebody in Texas be able to mess with Beltre’s noggin. Nah….U Can’t Touch This.
Here’s your pictures and your YouTube videos. We’re gonna make baseball fun this week.
It doesn’t matter what you think. Adrian Beltre is going to have 3,000 career hits. He’s getting into the Baseball Hall of Fame. So he can pretty much do whatever he wants, including moving around the old on-deck circle to his liking. The umpire hated that and he was tossed from the game like a pizza.
Why did he just Slide that circle thing five feet in the One Direction he felt like? Because he’s the closest thing to a champion that you can get to without winning a World Series. Keep in mind that if you’re going to play in Texas, you gotta have a fiddle in the band. For whom does Beltre troll? Clearly, that ump that talked to Flo about getting a great auto quote from Progressive. It’s the only thing that makes any sense anymore.
Hawk Harrelson isn’t buying John Lackey’s B.S.
If there is anything that is wrong with baseball, it is that you just can’t have 7-9 B.S. It’s just not mathematically possible because The Boys of Summer gotta play 162 games in the hot sun to entertain us.
Technically, at terrible team could go 71-91 and finish around that winning percentage, but whatever. Chicago White Sox colorful announcer Hawk Harrelson had enough of Chicago Cubs pitcher John Lackey’s B.S. on this pitch. He may have had enough of that Southsider Homebrew over the years for the rest of us.
I mean the dude makes Tommy Heinsohn look Al Michaels impartial. Do you believe in miracles? Yes, I Believe In Miracles because of Joey, Johnny, Tommy and Dee Dee Ramone. Hey Ho! Let’s go so Lackey can hit him in the back now. The Cubs and White Sox hate each other and that’s awesome.
Down goes Todd Frazier in Yankee Stadium!
Everything is better when you’re a Yankee, right? Right, except when you go down like Todd Frazier and hit into a triple play in your first at-bat in Yankee Stadium. It’s not been a great year for Frazier. He’s a long way away from Toms River, New Jersey and Williamsport can’t call you up ’cause you’re too old, dude.
Think about it. Can you do anything worse in your first at-bat at home playing for the Yankees? Isn’t baseball suppose to be super wonderful crazy fun time? Nah…work sucks…I know. We’re not gonna leave you roses by the stairs, Todd. Surprise triple plays let us know that this has not been a good year for your, dude. All the small things keep adding up, bro.
Don’t leave us with the Cubs babies!
About nine months ago, something amazing happened. A bunch of people on the North Side of Chicago decided to have a baby at the same time. Coincidentally, at least 48 percent of the young-ins will go by Addison, Clark, Ivy, Joe and Theo. If you’re good with Kids, it might be time to polish up on that babysitting resume of yours. The business is a booming.
I’m creating jobs here, or at least I’m telling you about them. Danke Schoen. I’m not really the kid watching type at this point in my life. It’s pretty much jingling car keys and that’s all I’ve got. The only experience I have watching kids is what I’ve seen on the cinematic classics Three Men and a Baby and Daddy Day Care. If I can be half the babysitter of Ted Dansen or Eddie Murphy, Cheers! Heh…heh…heh. Don’t leave me with the babies.
Next: MLB Trade Deadline: The ultimate 30-team trade
Disclaimer: If you have a Cubbies baby, that’s amazing. My team blew a 28-3 lead in the Super Bowl, so no Dirty Birdie Babies down in The ATL. That’s sad, but we’ve got two new stadiums and that patch of pavement on I-85 hasn’t caught on fire in like four months, so Rise Up!