Nora Durst sits in the office of Mike Budenholzer, executive and coach of the Hawks. She wears subtle makeup. He does not. Still, their complexions are equally pale. She wears an earth-toned business suit. He wears a slightly darker shade. She is resolute in her line of questions, possibly even calloused or cold. One might describe her as cynical. He owns a desk calendar that offers inspirational quotes for every day of the year. Behind him is a picture of the team he coached to 60 wins and a top seed in the NBA’s Eastern Conference.
The rest of the wall is blank space, waiting to be filled.
Nora Durst: Where did it happen?
Mike Budenholzer: Against Cleveland.
ND: In Cleveland?
MB: Well, maybe in Atlanta. They swept us that year.
ND: Before or after the departure? (Durst sounds fairly skeptical of the word departure, but somehow manages to deliver the question as if such an event were also possible. She is on the fence.)
MB: Maybe that was the departure.
ND: What kind of deodorant did DeMarre Carroll use?
MB: I don’t know. Old Spice or Axe Body Spray?
ND: Interesting.
MB: Really?
ND: No, not really. One in two men uses one of those products.
MB: What does the other half use?
ND: The other product you mentioned. (She looks down her list of questions. She eyes each one with skepticism and longing.) Did he use shampoo?
MB: He had braids.
ND: Receding or not receding?
MB: Um … I don’t know. There’s not data for that.
ND: There’s data for everything.
MB: He was a 3-and-D guy.
ND: What about Al Horford? When did he leave?
MB: It could have been at the same time. Maybe after. It all happened so suddenly.
ND: I notice the win total has dropped each year. Is that because of their absences?
MB: It’s not because they were here.
ND: Were they close?
MB: What do you mean?
ND: Did they have one another’s cellphone numbers? Did they text? If they did text, did they use emojis or a language only they could understand? Did they have sleepovers?
MB: I really don’t know. We had team dinners sometimes.
ND: What can you tell me about Jeff Teague?
MB: He was our point guard. He went to Wake Forest.
ND: Do a lot of players come out of Wake Forest?
MB: Some, but they play all over the league.
ND: Have any of them disappeared?
MB: Tim Duncan retired. Chris Paul was in Los Angeles. Now he’s not.
ND: Has he been seen?
MB: Which guy? I named two.
ND: The one from Wake Forest.
MB: Josh Howard?
ND: No, the others.
MB: There was a photo of Tim at Old Navy.
ND: Were you there when he disappeared?
MB: From Old Navy? No, I don’t think so. Listen, what does something in San Antonio have to do with what happened here in Atlanta?
ND: Have you ever heard of Miracle?
MB: Look, this sort of thing doesn’t happen in our sport. We have reasons for things.
ND: Yes, and I believe you, that’s why I’m asking these questions. Did your players wear boxers or briefs?
MB: Who wears briefs these days?
ND: So the answer is boxers?
MB: I guess.
ND: Was there anyone who had it in for Jeff Teague?
MB: I don’t think so. I mean there’s Dennis, but he wouldn’t — (The man stops his answer and stares off through the doorway.) Is this going to take much longer?
ND: What can you tell me about Kyle Korver and Dwight Howard?
MB: They’re gone too.
ND: Did they leave at the same time?
MB: I mean yes and no. You’d have to scroll down to the bottom of Basketball-Reference.com for the details.
ND: Is that a website? Is it for profit or no? Did any of these players make any sudden withdrawals from their bank accounts?
MB: I don’t have access to their bank accounts.
ND: So you wouldn’t know?
MB: I guess I wouldn’t.
ND: Did any of them prefer the nomenclature y’all to you guys or you all?
MB: I’m not sure they said any of those things.
ND: Interesting.
MB: Am I getting any of these questions right?
ND: All I can say is you’re not getting them wrong.
MB: Does this sort of thing happen often?
ND: It does.
MB: But all of them at once is a lot, right?
ND: Even staggered, it would be a lot, sir.
MB: Why couldn’t it have happened somewhere else?
ND: Did Paul Millsap ever talk of leaving? Was he sad or disappointed? Did he seem withdrawn?
MB: There were rumors, I guess.
ND: Did they floss? Like candy? Did they have any cavities prior to leaving?
MB: Wouldn’t their dentists be more likely to know?
ND: But the organization does conduct physicals?
MB: Yeah, but I don’t know if we check their teeth. I mean that sort of thing reeks of barbarism.
ND: But you do monitor their diets? I mean you would know if any of the players were vegetarians.
MB: Very few athletes are vegetarians, so I don’t think that would be it.
ND: No, I don’t think so either.
MB: Is there ever a reason why?
ND: I’m just asking the questions, Mr. Budenholzer.
MB: Do you think Dennis is the guy? What about Baze?
Nora Durst starts packing up her notebook and questionnaire. She will wish Mike Budenholzer her condolences in a matter of fact sort of way that drains the moment of any intimacy or sincerity. Later in the day, she will meet with Agent Zero, who, with a team of scientists, authored the questionnaire. She will wear a bullet proof vest. He will ask, “Are you sure?” and then possibly fire the gun into her bullet proof vest. This is a typical day for someone in her line of work.
Next: We have the answer for when NBA news slows down
This dialogue was inspired by HBO’s The Leftovers, an interaction with @KLChouinard on Twitter and a suggestion by Todd Whitehead.