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Preseason Premier League interesting rankings

By Michael Harshbarger

HOUSTON, TX - JULY 20: Paul Pogba of Manchester United during the International Champions Cup 2017 match between Manchester United and Manchester City at NRG Stadium on July 20, 2017 in Houston, Texas. (Photo by Robbie Jay Barratt - AMA/Getty Images)
HOUSTON, TX - JULY 20: Paul Pogba of Manchester United during the International Champions Cup 2017 match between Manchester United and Manchester City at NRG Stadium on July 20, 2017 in Houston, Texas. (Photo by Robbie Jay Barratt - AMA/Getty Images) /
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The Premier League season is just around the corner. Here are your preseason interesting rankings.

The 2017-18 Premier League season kicks off on Friday, Aug. 11 as Arsenal host Leicester at the Emirates Stadium. We all know who the favorites to lift the trophy are. The same handful of clubs will battle it out for the right to call themselves champions of England.

And that’s OK! Chelsea, Manchesters City and United, Liverpool, Tottenham and Arsenal fighting to the top of the mountain is awesome. Hell, the relegation battles can be nearly as exciting. This may be a hot take, but the Premier League is good. It just doesn’t, however, lend itself very well to a “power rankings” type format.

Those five or six teams (if you look up outlier in the dictionary it’s just a team picture of Leicester) are always at the top. But just because a team fights for a top four spot doesn’t mean they are fun to watch, or interesting.

Therefore, we have decided to rank the 20 Premier League teams based on how interesting they are. That could be based on players, managers, fans. Or things like off-field issues, horrible transfers, pub brawls, etc. Naturally, the better teams have better players and are more pleasurable and intriguing to watch on average. But don’t expect boring-ass Chelsea to be in the top spot just because they won the Premier League last season.

What follows is a highly scientific ranking of the interesting levels of all 20 Premier League teams. And when I say scientific I mean completely subjective, based on how I feel about the teams at this moment. Let’s get started, shall we? Number 20 is quite obvious.

SOUTHAMPTON, ENGLAND – MAY 21: Peter Crouch of Stoke City celebrates scoring his sides first goal during the Premier League match between Southampton and Stoke City at St Mary’s Stadium on May 21, 2017 in Southampton, England. (Photo by Warren Little/Getty Images)
SOUTHAMPTON, ENGLAND – MAY 21: Peter Crouch of Stoke City celebrates scoring his sides first goal during the Premier League match between Southampton and Stoke City at St Mary’s Stadium on May 21, 2017 in Southampton, England. (Photo by Warren Little/Getty Images) /

20. Stoke

Stoke are like mayonnaise, but more boring. They are the Hallmark Channel as a soccer club. They are a soft rock radio station that mostly plays commercials. Visualize in your mind the most uninteresting movie you have ever sat through, and then add English weather to it. That’s Stoke.

The most interesting thing about Stoke is that they have a really tall guy and a really short guy. The really tall guy is miles past his prime and the really short guy, although pretty good, has an extremely unlikely name. That’s as good as it gets for Stoke, folks.

After somehow finishing second in the Championship in 2008, which gained them promotion, Stoke have been able to find a sweet spot in the Premier League table. They have never finished better than ninth, or worse than 14th.

For the upcoming season the Potters — yes, that is their actual nickname and, yes, it’s very boring — have added two players to their squad. One, Kurt Zouma, is on loan from Chelsea and the other one, Josh Tymon, was a free transfer. From Hull.

Here’s a final fun fact. When a team looks pretty good in the Premier League, a common question will be asked of them: yeah, but can they do it on a cold night in Stoke? That’s right, traveling to the Britannia Stadium in the winter sucks. Because of the weather, and because Stoke are a collection of stone men running around knocking things over and actively avoiding creativity.