Dirty Mike Trout and the boys celebrated his 26th birthday with delicious eggs, floor and Coffee-Mate in the shower. They so made baseball fun this week.
Life is always about having a good time. In the words of recently inducted Pro Football Hall of Fame owner Jerry Jones, “I don’t have time to have a bad time. It’s not on my shedule.” Cosmo Kramer went deep under cover one time to give us the best high school yearbook quote we didn’t have the guts to do, but wanted to: Here’s to feeling good all the time!
Though he wasn’t feeling 22, Dirty Mike Trout and the boys definitely took advantage of that shower in the City of Angels to ring in 26. He at least took two showers that day, possibly three. One after the game and one with assorted breakfast material. NOTHING cleanses the scalp like succulent hazelnut flavored Coffee-Matte. Delish.
It’s a super good thing that Trout follows the Swanson Pyramid of Greatness when it comes to appropriate hairstyles: high and tight, crew cut, buzz cut. The scissors are not broken in his house, son, but just maybe in that New York Mets pitcher who is not about them Cowboys.
Non-dairy creamer in that luscious mane of the House of Syndergaard would not be copacetic for them GoT peeps. Sure, the redheaded step child of the House of Cards that can sang pretty good would have totally been cool with even delicious catsup in his locks. To him, it’s hair coloring and smells alright. When Winter is Coming, who needs shampoo when ketchup conditioner is better.
Stop looking at me, Schwan, grab your snack pack, go back to school, pretend you’re Miles Davis, avoid the lacrosse team, looking at these pictures, clicks on some YouTube videos. We about to make baseball fun this week fo’ sho.
Dirty Mike and the boys don’t need a Prius or talk radio to have a good time
For Dirty Mike’s birthday, the boys couldn’t steal Will Ferrell’s Prius in time. They were afraid that Mark Wahlberg would cap their collective knees like he did Derek Jeter, probably because he can’t contribute to the Players’ Tribune ’cause Jeets don’t want No Scrubs.
The boys heard Cap’n Gene’s unforgettable “Be Smart” speech, so they’re commandeering a shower to celebrate good times, come on! You only turn 26 once. It’s a pretty meaningless number, unless you live to iron your own shirt while wearing it like that accordion jokester John Smoltz.
To ring in the new year for Dirty Mike, the boys didn’t go chasing waterfalls. They just cascaded all the bacons and eggs they had on their leader’s noggin. Just look at the video. You know who else is looking at the video: Baseball IFC. Lambda Alpha Alpha was already on double secret probation. Dean Manfred already had a horse die in his office. Word on the street is Dirty Mike and the Boys are gonna have a toga party. Lambda Lambda Lamba and Omega Moo for life!
Though he didn’t get traded, baseball Clay Matthews a.k.a. Thor a.k.a. that pitcher dude that hates them Cowboys decided to join a winning team/house before it gets cold ’cause Winter is Coming. He’s clearly decided that he’s just gonna steal Chris Hemsworth’s career because his American accent is better.
So he’s just straight up chilling with the swords peeps and the dragon dudes doing stuff that doesn’t require an HBO subscription unless you want to watch them on something called a TV or whatever. If Dirty Mike and the boys taught us anything it is that talk radio, poodles and Priuseses are the way to be a Champion of Life.
That English singing ketchup dude tried to one-up the son of Odin. How dare you! Thor could come from the House of Matthews for all we know. Noah is the ark that drives that ship docking new the Island of Manhattan. He IS the King of Queens. The Doug and Carrie Song is the best song ever written, but if you play it at a wedding it might be a red one, maybe?
Give yourself a pat on the back by giving yourself a nickname!
Who needs friends when you can give yourself your own nickname. Nobody knows you better than you. If even you claim to be someone’s bro like that Seager guy, nobody knows how you enjoy your Old Time Rock and Roll like you do.
You don’t have to be clever, you just have to own it. All Rise for Mock Trial with J. Reinhold. Miggy, Miggy, Miggy, can’t you see how Cutch’s jersey is hypnotizing. There will be no Jesus Shuttlesworth this year, or blood ’cause drank your milkshake and you’re just not going to be able to bring Dirty Mike and the boys to the yard because their Coffee-Mate is better than yours.
Johan Camargo can’t even get on the field right.
Rule No. 4 in life: you only hurt yourself getting on the baseball field if you’re doing it as a goof. Claiming it was a goof is semi-defensible in the court of law if you practice Bird Law like Charlie Kelly, esquire. He is an expert on spaghetti policies, rat sticks and kitten mittens.
Not sure if that helps Johan Camargo tried to go all Powerline from the cinematic masterpiece known as The Goofy Movie. Camargo was doing a good job with the tomahawk dudes, as he was a reason Ron Swanson’s son had to be banished somewhere off 316.
Next: Every MLB team’s Mount Rushmore
The younger Swanson doesn’t follow Pops’ haircut protocol, but still gets to make coffee pot ramen with not Dirty Mike and the boys in the ATL. Did Camargo do this as a goof? Probably not, but at least he’s not Christian Hackenberg being banished to the Meadowlands swamps because he can’t ever break the huddle right.