Premier League interesting rankings: Stoke remain the worst, Burnley soar

It was a pretty wild opening weekend for the Premier League. Let’s see how it affected the interesting rankings.

20. Stoke (last week: 20)

I have to be honest, Stoke are going to have to do something pretty extreme to move up in these rankings. Like, maybe a five-goal loss, or receiving four red cards in a match. Losing away to Everton 1-0 certainly isn’t going to do it.

19. Crystal Palace (LW: 15)

The Eagles were given the gift of playing Premier League newbies Huddersfield at home to start the season. They responded by losing 3-0. There are some things even a very cool team name and crest can’t overcome.

18. Swansea (LW: 11)

Gylfi Sigurdsson still hasn’t completed his definitely-going-to-happen move to Everton, but Swans fans were offered a glimpse of what their offense looks like without him. With the Iceland star out of the lineup, Swansea managed just four shots, and none of them were on target. They enjoyed 40 percent possession and won zero corners. The Swans better get real active in the transfer market real quick.

17. Southampton (LW: 14)

I forgot to mention Swansea settled for a 0-0 draw. They played Southampton. The Saints were much more active in the attacking third, ripping off 29 shots, but only two were on target. That is very hilarious and very sad. But not very interesting.

16. Bournemouth (LW: 9)

Who adds Jermain Defoe to their roster and doesn’t start him on opening day? Bournemouth, apparently. They lost 1-0 in a relatively dull match against West Brom, only putting two shots on target despite having 71 percent of the possession.

West Ham United’s Pablo Zabaleta during the Premier League match at Old Trafford, Manchester. (Photo by Richard Sellers/PA Images via Getty Images) /

15. West Ham (LW: 8)

How could you let this happen, Chicharito? The Hammers were hammered (sorry) 4-0 by Manchester United on Sunday. They never looked all that dangerous, putting only one shot on target. Also, Mark Noble seems very boring.

14. West Brom (LW: 13)

Yes, they beat Bournemouth. But they conceded possession to the Cherries for most of the game, especially after their goal in the 31st minute. Hanging on for 60 minutes to secure a 1-0 win? Nah. I’m good.

13. Brighton (LW: 12)

The Seagulls put up a heck of a fight against Manchester City for much of the game. And then, as was always going to be the case, they gave up two goals. To make matters worse, Brighton center-back Lewis Dunk dunked (not sorry) on his own goalkeeper, sealing the win for the other team. The newcomers appear to have a long season ahead of them.

12. Newcastle (LW: 5)

Well, that probably wasn’t what Newcastle had hoped for in their first game back in the Premier League. They lost 2-0 to Spurs and didn’t have much of the ball. Jonjo Shelvey got sent off and DeAndre Yedlin still isn’t back from injury. Sigh.

11. Manchester City (LW: 6)

Sure, they got the win on Saturday. But it was against newly promoted Brighton, one of their goals was an own-goal and Yaya Toure didn’t even play (smh). I’m sure they will climb back up the rankings, but this one was a forgone conclusion without any fireworks.

LONDON, ENGLAND – AUGUST 11: (R-L) Jamie Vardy of Leicester City is congratulated by teammates Harry Maguire and Wilfred Ndidi after scoring his team’s third goal during the Premier League match between Arsenal and Leicester City at the Emirates Stadium on August 11, 2017 in London, England. (Photo by Michael Regan/Getty Images) /

10. Leicester (LW: 10)

The Foxes were in an insane seven-goal shootout with Arsenal that they ended up losing 4-3. It was a fun match. But they get to stay in 10th place because Jamie Vardy scored two goals and I don’t like him. These are my rankings. Sue me.

9. Watford (LW: 17)

The Hornets made a big jump up the list this week, drawing with Liverpool 3-3 at home. They scored the equalizer in the 93rd minute when Miguel Britos headed the ball out of Simon Mignolet’s hands on the goal line. Watford were prevented from moving up even higher due to their colors still sucking and their crest still being nightmare fuel.

8. Tottenham (LW: 7)

Spurs are good. They won a game they were supposed to win, but only scored after Newcastle went down a man. Dele Alli scored his first of what will surely be many Premier League goals this campaign. It’s going to be tough to keep him from winning the Young Player of the Year award again. Maestro Christian Eriksen provided both assists.

7. Huddersfield (LW: 16)

What a moment for the Huddersfield faithful. While their fellow recently-promoted clubs lost like they were supposed to, the Terriers went on the road and won 3-0 at Crystal Palace. New signing Steve Mounie bagged a brace and looks to be a serious goal threat in the Premier League. Who knows how long the dream start will last, but that was fun to witness.

6. Arsenal (LW: 18)

The Gunners were another club to charge up the interesting rankings. They came from behind twice in the opening game of the Premier League season on Friday, banging four past Leicester. Record signing Alexandre Lacazette, apparently offended by my calling him boring last week, opened his Arsenal account within two minutes. Olivier Giroud continued to prove he’s one of the best super-subs in Europe, holding off a defender to head home the winner in the 85th minute. Their was the added drama of Alexis Sanchez watching from the stands due to an “abdominal injury.” Yeah, OK.

LONDON, ENGLAND – AUGUST 12: Cesc Fabregas of Chelsea leaves the field dejected after being shown a red card by Referee, Craig Pawson during the Premier League match between Chelsea and Burnley at Stamford Bridge on August 12, 2017 in London, England. (Photo by Dan Mullan/Getty Images) /

5. Chelsea (LW: 3)

LOL @ Chelsea. The defending champs opened up their season at home against Burnley. They proceeded to have two players sent off — Gary Cahill received his marching orders in the 14th minute! — and lost 3-2. Again, they were playing Burnley. At Stamford Bridge. Providing schadenfreude is one way to stay interesting I guess.

4. Burnley (LW: 19)

Burnley! Obviously me ranking them 19th in the preseason interesting rankings spurred them on to this famous win. Now, Chelsea picking up two red cards certainly helped, but they still went to Stamford Bridge and defeated the title holders. Matchweek 1 in the Premier League was very lit. The Clarets were a big reason.

3. Everton (LW: 4)

I realize it was a 1-0 win against the most boring team on Earth, but Wayne Rooney scored the game-winner in his first official match back with the Toffees. New keeper Jordan Pickford provided some evidence as to why Everton spent so much money on him, ensuring all three points for his side with some big saves as the game wound down.

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2. Liverpool (LW: 2)

While Liverpool are surely unhappy about missing out on all three points against Watford, it was an exciting game to watch. More importantly, the off-field mess with Philippe Coutinho is reaching a crescendo. The little Brazilian wasn’t in the team Saturday with an injury, and was left out of the squad that traveled to Hoffenheim for the first leg of their Champions League playoff match Tuesday. Can Jurgen Klopp keep his side focused?

1. Manchester United (LW: 1)

Glory, Glory Man United indeed. The Red Devils cruised to a 4-0 win over West Ham thanks to a brace from the next great United striker, Romelu Lukaku. His opener came after a wonderful run and pass from youngster Marcus Rashford. Paul Pogba added a goal as well, uncorking one from outside the box. Jose Mourinho coming for that title once again, y’all.

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