Buhler’s Way Off: Return of the Brock; OBJ, are you okay?
By John Buhler
Brock Osweiler returns to the Denver Broncos. How bad is Odell Beckham Jr.’s ankle injury? Should the Buffalo Bills be laying 11 points to any NFL team?
After a spring and summer of trying to make baseball fun each week, I will pivot to have a little fun with some NFL action this season. The inspiration for this column is all the strange things that happen in the NFL that do not translate to winning in any way. This is not about the x’s and o’s, rather all the head-scratching things that the Jimmies and Joes do every week.
Each week, I’ll point out four storylines that are just too strange to be fiction. Some weeks, I’ll just go in my Musecage and get a little too stream of conscious. For that, I’m apologizing in advance. Do keep in mind that all tangents make a circle. I’ll eventually get to the crux of my argument, or not. Chasing my imaginary tail is a great way to pass time between articles.
Hopefully there will be inspiration for some fun segments throughout the season. They will 100 percent be inspired by whatever happens on the gridiron. Whether you’re part of a Dream Team that doesn’t make the playoffs or a Champion of Life that can’t win his own division, hats off to you for keeping football interesting. Just don’t hurt yourself trying to dunk a football in an oversized trash can.
Admittedly, this week is a little hard. The preseason took forever and it didn’t count, just like all those votes Governor Tracy found in Garfield County, Washington. Leave it up to Mudhoney to Rock the Vote with some sweet Seattle sound. Don’t touch them though, as they might be sick.
Heading into the regular season, it’s about giant prodigal sons returning home to their beanstalk in the sky, Michael Jackson enthusiasts with bum ankles that’ll compromise their moonwalking abilities and that Toilet Bowl of a first game that has the home team laying all the points in the world.
Return of the Brock
Not that long ago, Denver Broncos general manager John Elway doubted his son’s former college roommate ability to make $72 million on the open market. Brock Osweiler accepted the challenge like a near seven-foot Barney Stinson to rob the Houston, we-have-a-problem Texans blind.
Well, even if the Texans were blind, they could still smell the stank coming off the Texans’ offense led by Osweiler. They also heard the boos too, but the stench was that strong. After the defensive-minded team sputtered in Foxborough, it was time to say goodbye to the $72 million man.
Osweiler was traded to the lowly Cleveland Browns along with a second-round pick in what was a complete salary dump. Are we sure this isn’t the NBA? In a tough battle with Cody Kessler and DeShone Kizer, Osweiler lost in Cleveland, even though the Browns thought Bröck röcked before that one start. Detroit Rock City, Cleveland Bröck City, what difference does it make, Morrissey? I’m so sorry.
After another near seven-footer Paxton Lynch couldn’t beat out the Northwestern Skittles jacket guy Trevor Siemian, it was time for Return of the Brock once again to come on to the Mile High City. This move back to Denver may only be temporary, as Lynch is on the mend for five weeks or so. However, Osweiler is Rocky Mountain High after a top-five day of his life. I guess that John Elway guy wasn’t full of it after all.
OBJ, are you okay?
That one preseason game between the New York Giants and the Cleveland Browns was a real Thriller. That was until star Giants wide receiver Odell Beckham Jr. was struck by a Smooth Criminal on a tackle in a meaningless game. OBJ, are you okay? Are you okay? Are you okay, OBJ?
When he went into downward dog on the field, threw that helmet of his off in disgust and took a knee in front of that camera, yeah, it looked real bad. Sadly, his ankle has not been the same and he may not play in Week 1 versus them Dallas Cowboys.
There are three problems with this: 1.) Who are the preteens going to cheer for on Sunday Night Football when they stay up past their bedtime? Parents just don’t understand. 2.) How is Giants head coach Ben McAdoo run his three-wide receiver sets without the OBJ slant pattern? 3.) He might be on my fantasy team and I need him to give me 35 points in Week 1 because I was on autodraft. Help us OB-J Kenobi. You’re our only hope.
Are we sure the Bills can lay 11 points to anybody?
If you ever wanted to know the mathematical value “Hot Rod” Tyrod Taylor brings to an NFL game, he’s worth about three to 3.5 points. Once he cleared concussion protocol and delayed Nathan Peterman’s riveting NFL debut by at least a week, the Bills were now laying 11 points to the awful New York Jets in Week 1.
Wait, what? Are we sure the Bills can lay 11 points to anybody at home? We have to believe that the spread between Buffalo and the Alabama Crimson Tide would be at most Buffalo +8. Both teams have run-first quarterbacks, so don’t expect a lot of stretching the field in that NCAA/NFL crossover game.
You do have to give the Bills the edge because they did beat the New England Patriots back in Week 4 last year. That particular game featured new Indianapolis Colts backup quarterback Jacoby Brissett under center. We also got this incredible Bill Belichick tablet spike and this unforgettable Ben Affleck moment.
Las Vegas is rarely wrong, but did some sports book guy just get through watching This Is Spinal Tap. This isn’t a guitar amp and you just can’t arbitrarily have the Bills laying 11 points to the Jets. Then again, watch the Bills win over the Jets Week 1, 24-3. Bills Mafia will rejoice after their thrilling landmark victory of the season.
Let’s go, Pacific Northwest Ostriches! KAW!
I know that Charlie “Rat Stick” Kelly was busy selling out this summer wearing Falcons and Jets and Bears and Buccaneers clothes for DirecTV, but did you see what Sweet Dee did? While Dr. Mantis Tobaggon was on call, Mac was cultivating mass and Dennis was perfect his self-named breakup system, Sweet Dee inspired the new alternate logo for the Seattle Seahawks.
Sure, a Seahawk is technically an osprey or something. I mean, I don’t know. I majored in leisure studies and not Bird Law. This is exactly why Charlie “Rat Stick” Kelly needed to stop eating marmalade with those crazy pirates in that Nantucket bed and breakfast. I needed his expertise.
Ostriches and Ospreys are close enough in the dictionary where they are acceptable synonyms if you’re really lazy. Though It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, it’s mostly rainy in the Pacific Northwest. At least they got a new terrifying bird to scare us all. No, it’s not prototype of Pierre the Pelican down in NOLA. It’s Sheldon “Grown Man Football” Richardson.
7-9 B.S.: Aaron Donald is still holding out
Each week, we will pay tribute to the coaching career of Jeff Fisher. He may not have lasted the season with the 2016 Los Angeles Rams, but he taught us many things along the way in his unforgettable coaching career.
We learned how to relocate dysfunctional franchises under Fisher. Who knew that winning in the division could be that simple and every other team was tougher than Fort Knox to crack? We also learned that 7-9 B.S. was a transcendent moment in the history of HBO’s Hard Knocks. It’s not just a slight sub-.500 record, but a lifestyle choice. You do it well enough, you end up tied for the most losses in NFL history with Dirty Bird Dan Reeves.
Who doesn’t want to strive for that level of appreciated mediocrity? This week, we’re giving it to the best defensive lineman/penalty flag tosser in the NFL today in defensive tackle Aaron Donald. He held out the whole preseason and this will probably continue into the regular season.
Without debate, he is the best player Les Snead and Sean McVay have on the 2017 Rams. One would think that Stan “The Man” Kroenke would pay the best defensive tackle in football top dollar. In due time, because Kroenkeland up in Inglewood is going to be tremendous.
Next: NFL Power Rankings: 30 Most Dominant Teams Ever
Southern California will have a spaceship like Arlington, Atlanta and Minneapolis in a few years, but maybe not the best defensive tackle in football. Why explore Donald’s contract situation when you can explore space in 2020? In the words of Peppy Hare, “Sorry, guys. I gotta sit this one out.“