Buhler’s Way Off: Antonio Brown slinging coolers, Cardinals LOVE overtime
By John Buhler
Antonio Brown not only twerks and Facebook Live’s like an almost winner, but he can almost Bobby Knight a water cooler. Also, the Arizona Cardinals LOVE OT.
Week 4 of the 2017 NFL season was neat. The Kansas City Chiefs are Runnin’ Down a Dream as the best team in football. Rob Riggle, Paul Rudd and Matt Verderame have never been happier. Sprint sales have been through the roof and Arthur Bryant’s can’t make enough delicious barbecue ribs fast enough.
Though they Won’t Back Down from their 4-0 start, the Chiefs are living proof that Even the Losers get lucky sometimes. That is unless you picked the Washington Redskins and the under. Then You Don’t Know How It Feels to be swindled out of some Straight Cash, Homie in the last six seconds of a game. Thanks a lot Kool-Aid Man/Tron Guy/Andy Reid! You Wrecked Me!
But Don’t Come Around Here No More with “the NFC East is the best division in football” sass. Your best coach in that division is either that guy that claps a lot, that Gruden Grinder’s kid brother or that sideburns/visor imitation crab combo you wish was Andy Reid in Philly.
While KC is Learning to Fly, the Eli Manning Face New York Football Giants are Free Fallin’ with Odell Beckham Jr. and Ben McAdoo power slick. The G-Men are 0-4 and will face a quarterback in Philip Rivers that has more kids (8) than wins (5) in the last two football seasons combined.
The winner of this week’s Stupid Bowl in Jersey gets to go to the American Girl store in Manhattan doesn’t have to live like a Refugee no more. Let’s Breakdown all the dumb stuff we need to talk about in the week that was in the NFL.
Antonio Brown Bobby Knight’s that water cooler for sure
He can dance when he wants to, he can even Facebook Live. But do you realize that we have our next Olympic discus champion right here in America? It was clearly a tantrum-riddled spite throw, but that water cooler that Antonio Brown slung in the Charm City was almost charming.
Like we’re still glad he’s on our fantasy team racking up yards and TDs, but that Gatorade cooler toss was next level Bobby Knight having enough of that chair stuff. No, Brown doesn’t live in Cleveland but that about-me Gatorade toss was so good that Big Ben Roethlisberger had a press conference about it.
Brown might be a good NFL wide receiver, but could he be a Champion of Life like his former college coach? Why set your set up with a Team 121 trash can when you can be Ron Swanson doing Bobby Knight, but with a Gatorade cooler ’cause a chair wasn’t available.
It is debatable if Brown has one of three acceptable haircuts and if he is a strict follower of the Swanson Pyramid of Greatness. What is not debatable is that it’s okay to cry while staring into the Grand Canyon and that Brown might have a future in the Olympic discus. That cooler went at least a fathom, if you can believe that.
The Arizona Cardinals LOVE overtime and need it to beat bad football teams
Since Kansas City has the best football team, it’s only logical for other teams to pick up on some of Andy Reid’s greatest coaching tactics. Not only is Arizona Cardinals head coach Bruce Arians a red hat kind of guy, he also needs more time to get things done.
In line with the Reid School of Clock Management, Arians has his geriatric football team playing in overtime all the time. Guess what? They LOVE it. To Arians, and probably most people, taking forever to beat a bad team like the Indianapolis Colts or the San Francisco 49ers all the more enjoyable.
You really get to savor a win when you need more than 60 minutes to get it. Arians is clearly Jedi mind tricking Chuck Pagano and Kyle Shanahan into thinking their bad football teams are going to beat his bad football team but, NO! How dare you try to think you can beat the 2001 Heisman Trophy winner and the guy that lost to Jason White in 2003.
Essentially, if you were in school when Dubya was in office, you deserve to win every overtime forever, especially against millennials like Jacoby Brisett and possibly Kyle Shanahan. He COULD be a millennial, maybe? Here’s to the old guy Cardinals playing 70 minutes every week. The more minutes you play, the closer you’ll get to 70 because that’s how time works.
That LA traffic is definitely getting the best of Philip Rivers
Don’t let anybody ever tell you that professional athletes are different than you. Sure, they might have taken Gifted P.E. in high school, but they definitely hate sitting in traffic like you do, too. Just ask Philip Rivers, the reluctant Angeleno quarterback of the winless Los Angeles Chargers.
His commute is worse than yours. Though he’s probably being chauffeured the whole time, he has to leave his eight kids behind in San Diego to go play for the Chargers in Los Angeles and lose in a soccer stadium all the time. Are his pets head falling off? Maybe, he did scream at his helmet like that kid in Little Giants.
The biggest question besides how good Rivers has gotten at sudoku in his two-hour daily commute is if his new head coach Anthony Lynn is familiar with The Annexation of Puerto Rico. Hate to say it, Phil, but Junior Floyd has a superior throwing motion, so that play might get audibled at the line of scrimmage.
Losing stinks, but sooner or later Kroenkeland will open up in Inglewood and it will be better than Wallyworld. Let’s just hope that Becky The Icebox O’Shea isn’t there to John Candy you and prevent you from riding on the roller coaster you deserve to be on.
Might as well kick it: Raiders, this is why you punt
When all else fails, you might as well kick it. That might have been the right call there Cap’n Jack Sparrow of the river, as the King of punting came up short on this delicious fake versus Denver in Denver. The air is thin up there, but did you Ginuwine-ly think that was going to work?
It wasn’t like that time Mike Mularkey decided to see me on the 50-yard line with the Raiders in the opener, but come on, man! This is not how Marquette King is supposed to entertain us. He is there to boom some kicks off his foot, then do cowboy celebration stuff and make us happy.
Clearly, Oakland French fried when the should have pizza-ed. That’s why they had a bad time in the House of Elway. Fortunately, Brandon McManus missed the field goal on the ensuing possession, but only did it as a goof. Thankfully, it wasn’t as bad of a special teams debacle as this Chuck Pagano/Griff Whalen versus the Patriots masterpiece.
7-9 BS: How does a quarterback hurt his hamstring?
When they call somebody a dual-threat quarterback, they usually mean that guy can beat you with his arm and his legs. Well, it turns out they can get hurt in two ways, too: with their arm and their legs.
Can you recall the last time a quarterback had to leave a game due to a hamstring injury? Well, if you don’t know, now you know. The Flying Hawaiian Marcus Mariota couldn’t stop running for his life on Sunday and had to go to the locker room in favor of Matt Cassel.
Let’s just say, America would rather have Richard Castle out there trying to solve the mysteries of the Houston Texans defense than that one guy that had that one good season with the Patriots back in 2008. Houston didn’t have any problems putting up over half a hundred on the Titans at NRG.
Next: Best NFL player from each state
Where’s the fifth Followill bro-cousin in Clipboard Charlie Whitehurst? He’s on tour, man. You know that the Titans could Use Somebody to play quarterback for them, but the Kings of Leon’s Black Keys don’t play themselves without YOUR TOUCH!, Charlie.
It’s cool, it’s hockey season in Smashville anyway, where catfish are the best fish.