Buhler’s Way Off: The refs love the Patriots and hate Austin Seferian-Jenkins
By John Buhler
No, the refs just couldn’t let Austin Seferian-Jenkins have that touchdown. The NFL is conspiring against us to put the Patriots back in the playoffs.
Everybody knows a good conspiracy when the see one, right? You don’t have to be a genius to know that the NFL is in bed with the New England Patriots, because why else would they win so much? It’s because they cheat every single day of their lives because they’re cheaters and that’s what cheaters do. They cheat. Like a lot.
You know who didn’t deserve to be cheated this week? New York Jets tight end Austin Seferian-Jenkins. Not only did he not get a touchdown for your fantasy team this week because you totally forgot he was still in the NFL, he got robbed blind by the referees on that awful call.
Clearly, the refs have mastered the lost art of keeping a secret. NFL and Pats, you’re sick, sick, sick. I don’t care if it’s in my head, the truth hurts so bad. If only we could mess with some the Pats’ equipment just once and get that 40-year-old quarterback of theirs suspended, that would really Deflate them, right? Basically let’s just mess with the Patriots’ footballs enough to get Tom Brady for say…four games. Anything more would be too mean. But yeah, those refs suck. So BOOOOOOOOOOOOOO refs forever.
The Patriots, the Refs and Austin Seferian-Jenkins
The Jets were feeling hella good at 3-2. They were thinking about dancing on the sidelines when Austin Seferian-Jenkins should have scored that touchdown. Then it was Pats’ ball because the refs always root for the Patriots because underneath it all, Roger Goodell’s goons are all Patriots fans.
When they tried to tell Seferian-Jenkins to settle down because no, he didn’t score a touchdown he was all like, “Don’t speak.” I don’t know what you’re thinking trying to take away his touchdown. HE DESERVED IT. Please just stop explaining to me what is and what isn’t a catch. Don’t tell me ’cause it hurts!
We’re gonna need some new commercials because everybody’s hurt!
Clearly, the NFL needs to make sturdier guys into commercial stars. So far they can’t sell us yogurt, shoes, Bose headphones, security systems and even State Farm insurance. Football is a lot less fun without J.J. Watt and Odell Beckham Jr. and Luke Kuechly and now The Greatest American Hero, Aaron Rodgers.
Believe it or not, it’s not just me who doesn’t want to cheer for never gets hurt Eli Manning face. The NFL never thought when A-Rodg was walking on air after that Anthony Barr hit that it would take like a split second for the Packers’ Super Bowl LII chances to be flying away on a wing and prayer with Brett Hundley now under center. Surprise! Merry Christmas. NO RANGZ this year.
Basically, we NEED new commercials because my phone doesn’t work too good and I have to watch these outdated advertisements from an IKEA couch. It’s getting really awkward to see Rodgers and presumably Jeff Fisher’s emotional support animal Turner and Hooch it in that truck before Ponytail Matthews decided to mess up that moment with that stupid droid.
Old as new in Glendale for AD and the birds
When the Arizona Cardinals told Adrian Peterson to walk this way to sprawling Phoenix, it reeked of 7-9 B.S. Just because you were good at something in 2008 doesn’t mean you’re still good at it. AD continues to dream on long after the Purple People Eaters People gave up on him.
You know who else gave up on him? Those J-J-J-Jaded Saints. Could you blame Sean Payton Oswalt? Nobody likes to be heckled from the sidelines when he is trying to do standup in Minneapolis. AD doesn’t have the patience for you to tell him how grossly underrated The ‘Mats were. He’s got a gold jacket to get and has no use for that other, other hall of fame in Cleveland.
No, he doesn’t live in Cleveland, Peterson lives now in the Valley of the Sun/Old People. He was rejuvenated by that fountain of youth somewhere near that figmentitious campus of that school Larry Fitzgerald claims he went to. Too good for Pitt, huh?
How does he have time to go to school? He’s always traveling like Isaiah Thomas coming up the court. Basically what you need to know is that AD beat the snot out of the Gulf Coast Old Peoples team and it was cool, like 2008 cool, which is still pretty cool.
What do you mean the Saints have a defense?
Clearly, the first step to being a kind of decent NFL defense is to tell Adrian Peterson NO a bunch. It turns out the Saints just need five weeks of saying NO to AD to figure out how to play defense. Yes, they played in a game that saw 90 total points scored, but this Saints defense is the most legit it has been since almost 2008.
The Saints having a defense is like your crazy uncle telling you he’s got a great get rich quick scheme…and it works…and you can’t believe it! While this isn’t the Miracle on Ice, the Miracle at the Meadowlands or even the Music City Miracle, we’re gonna call it what it is: The Greatest Miracle on Turf.
The Rams still gotta go to work, but they are now transplants/native Angelenos. They now play in a Pac-12 stadium, which is still better than their forced city rival who plays in a soccer stadium.
Let’s be real though. The House that Landon Donovan Built is still better than your house and the Saints defense is still better than whatever gross tragedy pillow fight we get to see in the Big 12 on Saturdays. Today, the Saints have a defense.
7-9 B.S.: Falcons lead at halftime, hold my beer
Fact: you can’t have a Super Bowl hangover if you still have a beer in your hand. While the Atlanta Falcons aren’t double-fisting Kyle Shanahan pale ales any more, you just blew another lead, guys. This is what Atlanta does. Lose when the odds are against them in doing so.
You had Smoking Jay Cutler and the Miami Dolphins that make us cry on the ropes at halftime down 17-0. Falcons, you could have won in your new, sweet delicious Arthur Blank funded spaceship and gone to the moon at 4-1. But no, this is Atlanta. So you had to be ATLiens and mess this up.
It was a Mike Smith Smittian smite fest of not scoring any points in the second half. With two hands in his invisible pockets on his teal pants, Cutler threw for 150 yards all afternoon and you still lost! Laces Out Dan Marino could probably throw for 150 yards on a fake spike on one play.
Simply put, don’t put your 401K in Falcons Leads, LLC. It’s gonna get great returns for about 2.5 quarters and then it’s gonna collapse like an I-85 bridge when you least expect it to: during Rush Hour.
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C’mon man! You do realize the Refs and the Pats are this week. That’s an L and as many L’s in L.L. Cool J on the season for the Dirty 30 Birds of 2017, still trying to admit they’re not hung over. You’ve got two L’s, as in Liar, Liar. Ace Ventura, alrighty then!