Buhler’s Way Off: Sacksonville is back and it broke Indy
By John Buhler
We MIGHT know where Sacksonville is. The Jacksonville Jaguars informed us that it could be in Houston or Indianapolis. Let Calais Campbell do the talking.
If you can remember back to what life was like in Week 1 of the NFL season, man, what a time that was. Back then, the New England Patriots dynasty was 100 percent over because they lost to the Kool Aid Man Andy Reid on Thursday Night Football. The Kansas City Chiefs were on a collision course to play the Attack Attack Atlanta Falcons in the place where the bolls tolls in Super Bowl LII.
But let’s not forget the single most important thing that happened in Week 1: Sacksonville. It was an almost very real place somewhere in the AFC South. We’re not sure exactly, but it’s Doug Marrone’s Happy place for sure.
Like Atlantis, people will one day scribe trillions of blog posts about why or why not Sacksonville is a real place. Earth to Matilda, it’s about as real as ManBearPig is in Imaginationland, which is super, super cereal by the way. Why are we this Al Gore cereal about it? Because Sacksonville came back.
Not nine times, but 10 times did Indianapolis Colts backup starting quarterback Jacoby Brissett enjoy staring at the lackluster Lucas Oil Stadium ceiling last Sunday. While it’s not Sistine Chapel, it’s the Sackstine Chapel and Calais Campbell is your Michelangelo, Jacoby!
Campbell cut your football team’s life into pieces. Frankly, trading for you was Chuck Pagano’s Last Resort. But let’s be real. Even the Losers get lucky some times. That why the Colts have two wins because they can beat losers because they know how to lose.
As the Colts continue fester playing stinky football, let’s all agree that we need timeshares in Sacksonville. Campbell is the man that will get us there because he has the License to Sell Sack.
Calais Campbell is the Peter Klaven of Sacksonville real estate
When he was playing for the less old Arizona Cardinals, Campbell dreamed of three things: winning Super Bowls, selling the Lou Ferrigno Estate and sacking the heck out of every quarterback that breathes. The Jaguars might be London’s finest football team, but they don’t have a Super Bowl either.
When he popped the question to Rashida Jones in the parking lot that one time, he saw something we didn’t see. It was better than live-work lofts and puggles named Anwar Sadat, but just not as good as Chocolat because that movie is DELIGHTFUL! Campbell saw something great: Sacksonville. And that’s why we love you, man.
He’s living on a lighted stage and approaching an unreal number of sacks this season. Campbell is sacking the bass, mon and this Jobin has got it going in the pass rush. He doesn’t need a Tevin with a sweet urinal cake hookup at TGI Fridays to tell him how to do his job. Campbell has his own rag-tag group of pass rushers like Yannick Ngakoue, Dante Fowler and not Tevin Telvin Smith to sack a quarterback with mean, mean pride.
Marshawn Lynch runs best horizontally after the whistle
Not since he narrated his Beast Quake run to snakes and iguanas have we seen a run this magnificent out of Marshawn Lynch. It was so good, it was bad, as in he wasn’t playing at the moment.
Never before have we seen a horizontal run look this good. It was everything Tavon Austin could have hoped for on an East-West pattern. When Marcus Peters almost got himself in a mess of trouble, Lynch came to the rescue Cousin Vinny style.
Too bad he shoved a ref because he wasn’t about that vertical horizontal run action, boss. Lynch won’t be available to play in Buffalo because he did get fined for his on-field incident last Thursday night. Unbeknownst to Lynch, that would have been the best designed run Todd Downing would have called all year.
Marty B wants to McFly out of Pittsburgh, like now!
When he was too busy going Jack Kerouac on the Pittsburgh Steelers last year, probably trying to find McDonald’s Szechuan sauce, Martavis Bryant wondered why Mike and Marty could be more like Rick and Morty?
Well, the amazing defending his players for being dumb press conferences that Will.i.am keeps cranking out has Marty B wondering Where is the Love? Since he can’t get enough passes thrown his way by Big Ben, Marty B might as well go on another quest for McDonald’s Szechuan sauce.
Ironically, he wants out of the condiment capital of the world because he’s never going to be Mike Tomlin’s Heinz Ward. Will.i.am has his new favorite condimentary receiver in JuJu Smith-Szechauan Sauce. Could you blame Marty B to want to McFly out of here? He’s gotta feed his family Chicken McNuggets but is running out of sauce.
The London Bridge fell down and broke Carson Palmer’s arm
There is a reason that Ponce de Leon didn’t go look for the Fountain of Youth in London. The London fog is not good for old people or old football teams. So of course the flip phone Arizona Cardinals found a way to lose to the kid that doesn’t know where the sun goes in London and it was bad.
The greatest USC quarterback ever Carson Palmer is #Broken because his wing don’t work no more. So guess what? It’s Drew Stanton time in the Valley of the Sun or Come on ride the Blaine Train! Let’s be real. The Drew Stand-in versus Blaine Gabbert ‘Zona QB battle will still be more competitive than the Phoenix Suns this year. Misery loves company.
I’m starting to wonder if London realizes that Rog Goodell keeps giving them stank football games four times a year. He can’t keep playing the, “Well, London doesn’t know any better” card. They might have the best idea of where exactly Sacksonville is. Also serious rhetorical question: if you break your arm in London, do you have to stay there?
7-9 B.S.: Four passes are enough to bring down the Mighty Cam
Nothing is more Cam than seeing Cam Newton lose to a kid who drives his grandma’s Camry to work, completes four passes in a football game and still finds a way to win on Sunday over Newton’s Panthers. Mitchell Trubisky’s grandma could not have been prouder.
This Trubisky guy is the best thing to happen to the Bears at quarterback since before Jim McMahon started Sharpie-ing the commissioner’s surname on his head band. Better than 1994 Erik Kramer and 2006 Rex Grossman. But Nothing Compares 2 U Sid Luckman and your immaculate Model T Ford.
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Though he technically threw the ball seven times, Trubisky needed just four to slingshot Cam Goliath Superman. At least the post-game hat was cool, but not as cool as your grandma’s Camry. What’s cooler than that? Maybe a Jimmy Butler minivan, but that thing is parked in ‘Sota doing Thibs things on the hardwood.