Buhler’s Way Off: Purple Leapfrogs and the Kraken Iowa Beast
By John Buhler
The Minnesota Vikings had the best celebration ever. It made Teddy Bridgewater cry. Chaz Green might have cried, too. He was destroyed by Adrian Clayborn.
This week was so much fun in the NFL this week, I can barely contain myself. WOOO!!! No, I did not think that life was going to get better after that Ric Flair 30 for 30, but it was a pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty good week of NFL football action in Week 10.
Sure, there were great performances. Like Kirk Cousins had to carry the DeadSkins on his back only to lose to the Purple People Eaters at home. Ooh Wee! Nobody wanted to lose more on Sunday than Sir Blake Bortles. Then again, London’s Finest was playing the San Diego Los Angeles SuperChargers and they love nothing more than concocting up new ridiculous ways to lose.
We saw the worst QB sneak ever in Motown by the one team in football that can’t win on Sundays. You do realize that last Christmas Eve was on Saturday, Cleveland Browns fans? I’m gonna pick against you on the moneyline all the time. Tu eres pededores. Just chill out wit the CheezWiz, umkay?
John Fox sucked at that challenge. He should have leaned on Mr. Biscuits from the one. I mean, y’all did trade up to No. 2 from No. 3 to draft a guy that cruises down the street in his grandma’s Camry for a reason. Mitchell Trubiscuits Time!
And these are just some of the games that I’m not going off the rails on this week. Just about every game had something so stupid happen in it, I’ll probably break down and cry in the cold November Rain. I’ve clearly got an Appetite for Destruction, so I have to sink my teeth into whatever happened in football this weekend. It’s a six-course meal this week. Like Augustus, I will NOT save any room for later.
The Minnesota Purple Leapfrogs brought tears to Teddy Bridgewater’s eyes.
When you’re 7-2, you’re pretty much better than everybody. Just look at those Minnesota Vikings. They lost Teddy Two Gloves over a year ago. Floppy Sleeves got hurt…again. Now, they lean on Jared Goff’s former co-star from HBO’s Hard Knocks Case Keenum. This team in Minneapolis is anything but 7-9 BS. So Let’s Go Crazy!
The Purple People Eaters scored a touchdown and became them in the end zone. It was so scrumtrulescent that of course Teddy Bridgewater got emotional. While he appreciated being on the sidelines, he appreciates a good leap frog session a bit more, especially if it is perfectly choreographed to Purple Rain. I mean, I’m crying just thinking about it. You can’t not be Thielen this. I’m Thielen This.
It takes me back to an unforgettable night in college when I was majoring in leisure studies. My dude Eazy-E and I went to the wrong PBR kegger. We were having such a good time. Man, we were having a ball. Then all the sudden, E grabs me by the shoulder and says, “This is great and all, JB, but you do realize it’s raining purple frogs?”
No, I didn’t see the lavender amphibians falling from the sky, but I trusted his judgement 100 percent, so we went back to our crappy Athenian apartment and watched some Trailer Park Boys for like six straight hours (RIP Jim Lahey). I told myself one day I would get on that level and see those violet toads in my own view of the universe. Thank you, Vikings. You got me there. I needed that win, so thank you.
Richard Sherman HATED that Lime Green Poop Fest on Thursday. Like, he told y’all last year!
So far this year, we’ve learned three things that NFL people HATE. Jerry Jones HATES Roger Goodell. Matt Ryan HATES playing in the rain. On jueves, Richard Sherman reaffirmed that he HATES Thursday Night Football.
I mean, he tried to tell us this last year. He called the mid-week bonanza a Lime Green Poop Fest. Truth be told, he wasn’t wrong. Yes, his laissez-faire injury report Seahawks beat those ancient flip phone geriatric Arizona Cardinals, but now we lost Sherm and that ain’t good.
Turns out his Achilles’ Heel’s Achilles’ Heel was playing on Thursday night. Jupiter was angry that day, my friends. The stars were not aligned for Sherman. Hopefully we can rebuild him. But do we have the technology?
Newflash!: Nobody’s Burfict, especially not Vontaze. He ain’t close!
It finally happened. Bengals linebacker Vontaze Burfict finally got ejected from a game, but he didn’t do anything wrong. Shouldn’t the Nissan Stadium staff have kicked out that nice lady pointing at him with the wrong finger? Again, nobody’s Burfict.
They were Burfict Strangers. I mean, everybody is a Burfict Stranger for Burfict because he’s not your friend, buddy and he’s certainly not your buddy, guy. Fate would have it that Burfict would get ejected only a week after the quieter A.J. Green got tossed. Green is a better football player than Burfict, but we all know that unnecessary altercations are clearly Burfict’s territory. Did he do anything wrong though? Once again, nobody’s Burfict.
Hey, Miami! You’re banished forever from primetime television. Please take Eli Manning Face with you. KThanksBye.
NFL, you just to stop! Stop trying to sell us the stinky fish Dolphins on primetime. I mean, they’re not even fish. They’re mammals. How dare you! The only logical thing for putting the Dolphins on Thursday Night Football, Sunday Night Football and Monday Night Football in three consecutive weeks is that somebody in scheduling office is really trying to get a cameo in the Miami Vice reboot that isn’t happening.
No, Roger Goodell you aren’t slick enough to be Don Johnson in this remake. Technically, Jay Cutler would be more qualified for that high of an hour. 1.) He already kind of lives in Miami. 2.) His wife was on The Hills and that means he has acting chops strictly by association. 3.) Wasn’t he going to be a less talented version of Tony Romo on tv for FOX anyway?
The NFL needs to outsource its scheduling people to somebody who knows what they are doing. No more stinky fish ‘Phins games, no more Eli Manning Face being unatheltic on TV. Just stop. I’d rather watch Blake Bortles throw picks or Hue Jackson not win games than ever see the Miami Dolphins on a primetime game ever again. They need to be banished to London and only play 9:00 a.m. ET games so that we don’t have to watch them in case we forget about NFL in London. It happens.
Man, did Brock Osweiler Uncle Rico that football!
The last time the Denver Broncos won a game, Derek Carr broke a bone in his back. Also, I was wearing shorts that week because it was October 1 in the ATL and that’s what us ATLiens do. We can’t handle cold weather, snow on I-285 or terrible quarterback play. I’m looking at you, Broncos.
Return of the Brock was once again so horrible. The best part in that terrible Sunday Night Football loss to the Evil Empire was that on-field impression Osweiler did of Uncle Rico from Napoleon Dynamite.
He tried to throw that football over one of them mountains over there. You know, the one that has best kind of high country barley that Sam Elliott’s mustache likes. Yeah, that one! Well, Brock missed horribly and threw some Canned Heat into Jamiroqui Jabroni’s face. If that guy didn’t break every bone in his face, well, he’s got a stronger face than Kyrie Irving and that means something Round Here.
7-9 BS: Chaz Green unleashed the Kraken Iowa Beast and Jason Garrett just clapped the whole time.
Clap, clap, clap, clap your hands. If I need an NFL head coach to pretend to be a percussionist, I’m getting in touch with Jason Garrett. His rampant palm strikes are stuff of legend. Fairly sure the Jason Garrett clap is an option on your FakeBlock app. However if I need a coach to make an in-game adjustment, I’d give Ben McAdoo a buzz before Garrett.
Why you ask? Because Garrett let Chaz Green get devoured by the Kraken Iowa Beast that is Adrian Clayborn six times on Sunday. Green has about as much business playing left tackle in the NFL as I do making commentary about a sport I never played. I mean, we’re both doing it, but at least I didn’t get my ass kicked by the Predator Monster on semi-national television.
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Clayborn claims to have one move. Touche. It’s not the Dwight Freeney spin move, but I loved it. You know who else has one move? Garrett and that’s clapping. Blue Steel, Ferrari, Le Tigre. It’s all the same look. When you can’t feed Zeke and you can’t attack with Dak, you’re gonna have a bad time. The Dallas Cowboys are having a bad time.