10 great NBA players and the conspiracy theories they could make you believe

1. Kawhi Leonard: Dolphin Illuminati Autism Plot

To be clear: Vaccines do not cause autism and the conspiracy theory that vaccines cause autism is a reckless and patently false conspiracy theory.

That said, that the Dolphin Illuminati is plotting to weaken the human race and produce an eventual hybridization of the species through the use of autism-inflected vaccines is a wild and fun conspiracy.

Those in the know will tell you that Dolphin Illuminati — dolphins that perform the type of world-control typically associated with human Illuminati — are in cahoots with LeBron’s Reptilians and the plebian, human Illuminati to lord over humanity. (Dolphins obviously need humans and lizards-in-the-guise-of-humans to carry out their wishes on land and in society.)

One of those wishes is the autism-vaccine plot. Per a Deadspin comment from Matthew Eaton:

"So, the Reptilians, the Dolphin Illuminati, and the subservient humans all hatched a plan to convert the human race into something more manageable by infusing every vaccine on the planet with trace amounts of dolphin DNA, thus causing autism. The critical part of this theory is that the man who spent TWO DECADES of his life studying this noticed that when dolphins were around autistic children, they grew more sympathetic and understanding, almost as if they knew these children would become hybrids themselves one day."

What makes this conspiracy so elite is that it contains multiple other elite, high-insanity-level conspiracies. The Dolphin Illuminati builds off the Illuminati theory and functions in conjunction with the Reptilian theory. (And, deep sigh, the reckless vaccine-autism theory.) It is the most complete, all-around conspiracy theory on this list.

Kawhi Leonard is also so elite because he contains multiple elite skills. He’s good at literally everything you could ever feel compelled to do on a basketball court, including but not limited to shooting, rebounding and stopping other players at whim yonder on the perimeter. Extremely athletic with a high basketball IQ and very large hands, he’s frequently called the league’s most complete, all-around player.

Kawhi Leonard is Dolphin-Illuminati-autism-plot good.

Next: Meet the 25 best NBA players under 25

If you’re bummed we did not mention your favorite conspiracy theory and/or your favorite player, here’s a small consolation. Setting aside the truly concerning and dangerous conspiracy theories (Sandy Hook truthers; Obama birther truthers; AIDS truthers), enjoy this incomplete and not-at-all thought out list of NBA players and conspiracy theories with which to play at home.

• Is Paul George “New World Order” good?
• Is Jimmy Butler “Khloe Kardashian is O.J. Simpson’s daughter” good?
• Is Karl-Anthony Towns “Katy Perry is JonBenet Ramsey” good?
• Is Chris Paul “Elvis is alive” good?
• Is Draymond Green “Tupac is alive” good?
• Is John Wall “Tupac was assassinated by the FBI” good?
• Is DeMarcus Cousins “Ted Cruz is the Zodiac Killer” good?
• Is Isaiah Thomas “Lewis Carroll, author of Alice in Wonderland, is Jack the Ripper” good?
• Is Klay Thompson “Avril Lavigne was replaced with a body double” good?
• Is Carmelo Anthony “Paul McCartney is dead” good?
• Is Damian Lillard “a yeti is responsible for the Dyatlov pass incident” good?
• Is Marc Gasol “grassy knoll” good?
• Is Lonzo Ball “Beyonce faked her first pregnancy” good?

Discuss amongst yourselves.