Fansided

10 great NBA players and the conspiracy theories they could make you believe

By Shea Corrigan

TOPSHOT - A commercial plane of German airline Lufthansa leaves a contrail on the sky on April 3, 2017 above the Swiss Alps resort of Verbier. / AFP PHOTO / Fabrice COFFRINI (Photo credit should read FABRICE COFFRINI/AFP/Getty Images)
TOPSHOT - A commercial plane of German airline Lufthansa leaves a contrail on the sky on April 3, 2017 above the Swiss Alps resort of Verbier. / AFP PHOTO / Fabrice COFFRINI (Photo credit should read FABRICE COFFRINI/AFP/Getty Images) /
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383174 11: Producer Nicolas Cage arrives at the premiere of the new film ‘Shadow of the Vampire’, December 15, 2000 in Los Angeles, CA. (Photo by Newsmakers)
383174 11: Producer Nicolas Cage arrives at the premiere of the new film ‘Shadow of the Vampire’, December 15, 2000 in Los Angeles, CA. (Photo by Newsmakers) /

7. Russell Westbrook: Nicolas Cage is a Vampire

You are, hopefully, familiar with Nicolas Cage, star of such Hollywood classics as Raising Arizona, Wild at Heart, Vampire Kiss (!),  Leaving Las Vegas, The Rock, Con Air, Face/Off, Gone in Sixty Seconds, National Treasure, Ghost Rider and so on and so forth. Actor. Icon. Vampire.

Back in 2012, it first came to the public’s attention that Cage bears a striking resemblance to a man pictured in a Civil War photo. Asked by David Letterman about it, Nicolas Cage politely rejected the comparison, suggesting that the vampire was a “slowed down” version of him, whatever that means.

(The vampire explanation for the resemblance comes from the eBay listing for the photo, in which a Seattle man claimed: “Personally, I believe it’s him and that he is some sort of walking undead / vampire, et cetera, who quickens / reinvents himself once every 75 years or so. 150 years from now, he might be a politician, the leader of a cult, or a talk show host.”)

Cage also told Letterman that he doesn’t drink blood and has a reflection when he looks in the a mirror. Cage also points out you can’t take photos of vampires. Good points, Nic! If you subscribe to very rigid understanding of what vampires can and can’t do!

Moreover, other evidence (?) exists that Cage lived past lives, specifically as Emperor Maximilian I of Mexico. So perhaps it’s a Keanu Reeves is Immortal situation, in which one man lived life as Charlemagne, Paul Mounet and now, of course, the actor Keanu.

The idea that Nic Cage is a vampire has a lot of flaws, but it’s a lot of fun. Don’t think about it. Let it happen.

Russell Westbrook is an awful lot of fun to watch play basketball, but, uh, he also has a lot of flaws. The reigning MVP and unofficial face of the triple-double is scary fast and an exceptionally forceful and effective scorer, often very reasonably compared to a freight train. But back at the station, where passenger trains have been delayed in deference to the freight which is a real thing that happens to trains and not just a metaphor, there are…concerns about Westbrook’s game.

Let Russell be Russell is delightful and endlessly entertaining, but maybe more than other great players, Westbrook’s greatness is most great in a vacuum in which his performance — without regard for big picture outcomes or team-related ripple effects — is valued most. Some things, like win-loss records and mirror reflections, are more fun to ignore.

Russell Westbrook is Nic-Cage-is-a-vampire good.

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