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10 great NBA players and the conspiracy theories they could make you believe

By Shea Corrigan

TOPSHOT - A commercial plane of German airline Lufthansa leaves a contrail on the sky on April 3, 2017 above the Swiss Alps resort of Verbier. / AFP PHOTO / Fabrice COFFRINI (Photo credit should read FABRICE COFFRINI/AFP/Getty Images)
TOPSHOT - A commercial plane of German airline Lufthansa leaves a contrail on the sky on April 3, 2017 above the Swiss Alps resort of Verbier. / AFP PHOTO / Fabrice COFFRINI (Photo credit should read FABRICE COFFRINI/AFP/Getty Images) /
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CLEVELAND, OH – NOVEMBER 01: LeBron James /

4. LeBron James: The Lizard People Elite

Lizard people, formally known as Reptilians, are a breed of shape-shifting lizard-humanoid hybrids who live, walk and rule among us in the form of most (all?) of our world leaders and otherwise popular, powerful people. Lizard people have manipulated humankind since the dawn of time, and are often in cahoots with other conspiratorial and sometimes synonymous groups, such as the New World Order, the Illuminati and the Dolphin Illuminati.

According to prominent lizard people experts, you may identify lizard people by their green eyes, red hair, unexplained body scars, love of space and “a sense of not belonging to the human race.” They may also drink blood, eat flesh and be responsible for the underlying truth behind other cover-ups (the Holocaust, Oklahoma City bombing, global warming, 9/11, etc.). People frequently suspected of being lizards in disguise include Barack Obama, George W. Bush, Bill and Hillary Clinton, Queen Elizabeth II and her entire family, Britney Spears (?), Bob Hope, Angelina Jolie and Katy Perry. “Key bloodlines” include the Rockefellers and Rothschilds. As of 2003, 43 U.S. presidents were suspected of being lizard people, which at that time was all the U.S. presidents. The lizard ruling class also controls the United Nations, the International Monetary Fund, the CIA, the internet, the media and the London School of Economics, among other organizations.

What makes the lizard people conspiracy insane is it takes your classic secret-societies-rule-the-world theory and ups the ante by saying, hey, what if that secret society was actually full of mutating malicious reptiles? What if modern lizard people are actually a third generation, evolved from a Babylonian alien-god that’s more lizard than human, and their goal is a microchipped population and fascist one world government? And here you thought the Knowles-Carter-Kardashian-West alliance was intimidating.

Also insane and intimidating? LeBron James. James is, obviously, a great basketball player. When you’re the focus of a neverending debate for the title of great(est) (of all time) this does not require proof. But James is great in a particularly unreal, inhuman way. He’s great in a way that makes it impossible to rule out the impossible. If LeBron is on the court, there is always a chance that he will snatch the soul of someone who is otherwise an All-Star and/or pluck a championship away from the jaws of a 73-win juggernaut. At any age. At any time. With any workload. It doesn’t make any human sense, but here we are. And like the fine wines he so loves, LeBron is getting better (??) with age.

James becoming an improved shooter and a more efficient scorer is like the part of the lizard people conspiracy where it’s explained that the lizard people elite draw energy from human anxiety as well as the mass slaughter of animals (it’s why we eat meat!) and “sexual perversion” and you’re just like, yeah, I mean, of course, he’d add a 3-point shot to his game.

LeBron James is lizard-people good.

P.S. Approximately twelve million Americans believe in lizard people. Twenty-two million Americans watch the NBA. Did he convince a little more than half of them?  Was it his “sense of not belonging to the human race” and the singular scar on the back of his head? You do the math, sheeple.

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