After suing Louisville what exactly is Rick Pitino up to?

Everyone within the college basketball community knows the story of Rick Pitino by now. Fired by the Louisville Cardinals after the billionth scandal during his tenure, the now unemployed legend is suing the university for unjustly kicking him to the curb.

Basically, Pitino’s lawyers are demanding over $37 million in compensation for the university supposedly breaching contract.

Get that money, Ricky!

Legally speaking, and I am no lawyer, it appears as though Pitino was actually fired in the same way people receive lifetime achievement awards. He wasn’t being shown the door for this specific FBI issue, but it was that still-happening controversy, coupled with other tomfoolery, which finally resulted in Louisville realizing that it could no longer employ him.

If we are being honest about the entire debacle, Louisville gave Pitino one of the longest leashes in the history of shenanigans in college sports.

He could have been fired for the most famous 15 seconds in a chain restaurant; or for either not knowing or being too naive to know there were women being used to entice high school recruits; if not those, for the awful white suit he would wear from time to time.

Louisville never showed him the door for any of those, or other, mishaps. Instead, thanks to Pitino being great at his job, the Cardinals purposely looked the other way — because money via the basketball program trumps all ethics.

Anyway, we aren’t here to argue Pitino’s legal merits. Nor are we concerned about Louisville’s ethical practices. After all, the latter employs Bobby Petrino and slept on Pitino’s going-ons, so we already know the about the latter.

What exactly is Rick Pitino up to now that he has all that free time on his hands? Knowing that he is willing disregard reports from the FBI that he actually knew about using shoe company money to lure top high school prospects to campus, it does help shed some light on what he’s been up to lately.

That, and well, this stuff is obvious.

Al Pacino cosplay talent

Hooah!

Al Pacino is one of the finest actors of his generation. Unfortunately for those who have been fully functioning since the 1990s, he’s currently most known as the guy playing a caricature of himself by just yelling loudly at stuff.

Hooah!

Also, he starred alongside 50 Cent in a movie because why in the hell not?

If a movie is ever made about Pitino’s career, Big Al is the easiest choice to play the embattled coach in his later years. This much is a given. That being said, there is more to this story than what is shown on the surface-level.

What might be unknown to those who have followed Pitino’s career is that he is an avid cosplay enthusiast, going to many a Comic-Cons donned as Pacino in The Devil’s Advocate. There’s just something about playing the devil, as opposed to being portrayed as it, that makes Pitino happy. At least that’s what someone told us.

Pitino is not doing this solely for some giggles with friends. He’s secretly hoping his stellar portrayal of John Milton/The Bleeping Devil Himself will land him some friends in Hollywood.

Honestly, knowing what we know now, he would probably fit right in.

Hooah!

He’s a The Great Giana Sisters truther

If you ask some video game hipsters, Super Mario Brothers is a rip-off of a game called The Great Giana Sisters.

Listen, things get tricky here, as we should note that the video game industry during the time of Mario’s peak was much like the Wild West. There were no real rules or regulations, just plumbers disturbingly attacking a giant gorilla who just wanted to finish his job as a barrel hurler.

Aside: How has PETA not attacked Mario for his constant physical violence toward a gorilla and a bunch of harmless turtles?

The Giana Sisters game is awful. It also came out in 1987, two years after the original Super Mario Brothers game release.

We know Pitino’s true goal here, anyway. He’s not attempting to force some justice on behalf of two downtrodden sisters who missed out on some 16-bit glory. Nope. He is clearly jealous of Luigi.

Luigi, the better of the two Mario Brothers, is tall, can rock about any form of clothing well, and is always the correct character choice while playing the horrific Super Mario Brothers 2 game. Pitino? You just know he’s Bowser’s boy, and likely an admiral in the Koopa Troopa Army.

Another aside: If Luigi and Mario are the Super Mario Brothers, is Mario’s name Mario Mario? No … I will not look it up.

An aside within an aside: Mario has a lot of nerve assuming Princess Peach wants his help and/or wants anything to do with him.

Hot-take: Mario is the worst. Long live Luigi.

Moonlights as a vampire

Listen, making fun of Rick Pitino is a pretty easy thing to do. He’s self-righteous, despite scandal hanging from him like flies on poop, to the point that it is like shooting fish in a barrel. Being so indignant and condescending, while clearly being a hypocrite, allows us to do so without much guilt being attached to it, either.

Life can be awesome.

Somewhat recently, there’s been a push to the idea that he is a vampire. That, due to some unholy pact with (probably) Dick Vitale, he is roughly 5,000 years of age.

Outing Pitino as the vampire he is has been spearheaded by the wonderful Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz.

In fact, with the obvious dangers of a vampire attacking them out of vengeance looming, all the people on the radio show should be given some sort of award. Sneakers, maybe, as a way to show appreciation for everyone’s heroic attempts to save mere mortals from the wrath of Count Pitino-acula.

Pitino — whose only obvious redeeming quality is being good at coaching basketball —  being a vampire makes a ton of sense.

He has aged well, doesn’t appear to be slowing down, and somehow convinced at least one woman to do the hanky panky with him in one of the least romantic places to do such an act on the planet.

Normal humans do no such things.

You may have noticed, even with recent reports painting him as one of the “few bad actors” he was always whining about, several prominent college basketball media members continue to defend him. This is not because they still naively believe he is innocent. Rather, it is because they know, that without basketball, Pitino is a vampire with innocence lost.

Hell might have no scorn like an angry ex-lover, but even the devil shrinks in the corner when Pitino is flying around at night without anything to lose.

Aside (again): If you never hear from me again, know that this column was my undoing. Pitino is probably right behind me now, just waiting to take a bite out of m…

He’s my new dad

No. Guys, for real. I am not currently a vampire. I simply love Rick Pitino and think he’s been treated unfairly. Since you’re here, though, please do me a solid and watch the above video until you agree with me and my dad.

We just need to see things from his point of view.

Despite being heralded as King of the Micromanagers, he had zero clue that one of his assistants was using hookers to lure players to campus while another used sneaker money to do the same. That is it. And that is all he has claimed since the start of all of this.

Those damn bad actors, I am shocked by how they betrayed my father!

Next: March Madness: Best Gus Johnson Calls

A few more things worth noting: He’s handsome, a family man, and a jack-of-all-trades when it comes to solving puzzles in our castle.

Not all real heroes wear capes, but mine does.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, dad is putting me to work on some nifty carpentry project. Something about building a few new beds that have a door on them or whatever.