Choose Your Character for the NBA’s new age fights

This season, ESPN debuted a commercial to promote the NBA games on their network with a video game theme. The commercial opens with the logo for a fake arcade-style game called “Basketball Battle,” and then fades to a character selection screen. There, it cycles through images of the game’s biggest stars:  Russell Westbrook, Kristaps Porzingis, Kyrie Irving, etc. The players have nicknames (i.e. “KAT” for Karl-Anthony Towns), and even stat bars for each player. It eventually settles on the headliners for whatever game they have coming up. It’s a neat idea, and it’s executed perfectly.

The commercial has the aesthetic of a classic game like Street Fighter or Super Smash Brothers — a combat style game where two characters are set to duel. This is how we often view the marquee matchups in our league, so that isn’t surprising. However, this has definitely been an ironic year to pick an “NBA players doing battle” theme.

2017-18 is the year that legitimate beef returned to the NBA. Through a cocktail of players changing teams, locker room fall-outs, long-standing grudges, and years of nudges from the NBA’s former legends that the game had gotten S-A-W-F-T soft, the game has seen conflict taken to an entirely different level this year. It started with Bobby Portis breaking Nikola Mirotic’s face in a preseason Bulls practice, and has blossomed into full unadulterated chaos this week, with a James Johnson/Serge Ibaka rope-a-dope and last night’s instantly regretted thrown punch from Arron Afflalo towards Nemanja Bjelica sandwiched around the season’s signature Twitter moment,  the Clippers/Rockets showdown in the secret tunnel.

This is a rapid departure from year’s past, which had seen fighting and even skirmishes like those we’ve seen this year on the decline. But tensions are high this season, and while there thankfully hasn’t been anything on the level of the Malice at the Palace or the famous Knicks/Nuggets brawl, we at least appear to be flashing back to a time when it wasn’t too crazy to see a couple of punches thrown on the court, even if it involved one of the league’s stars.

Today’s fights are certainly not exactly in the vein of some of the league’s most famous battles — no one is getting two-pieced in the lane in the Eastern Conference Finals, I’d hope — but they’re almost more interesting. NBA fighters of yore usually had two backgrounds — either the big, burly “enforcer” types like Bill Laimbeer or Rick Mahorn, or the scrappy, pit bull-like hotheads, like Dennis Johnson or Chris Childs. That meant you usually either had guys throwing each other around like rag dolls, or getting a few jabs in before teammates and refs came in to separate.

Today’s league is much more diverse and nuanced, and far less physical. That means that the “fights” are more diverse and nuanced, as well. NBA player beefs don’t just feature punches anymore — there’s a wide variety of build-ups, encounters, and post-conflict pettiness that has been present this year. The league has tried very hard to distance itself from its brutish past, and that’s meant diversity in how these fights are held.

In today’s NBA octagon, there are more than just your brute power or pugnacious rage masters. A new cast of characters has been brought out for this arcade game, and it’s much more entertaining. Using this year’s many conflicts as a guide, let’s take a look at who you can play as in your new 2017-18 Basketball Battle game.

“Tactitian”

Case Study: Chris Paul

Attributes: Strategic Planning, Opportunism, Public Relations

Getting creative in today’s NBA starts with Paul, who orchestrated a World War I-style swinging gate maneuver to try to settle some grievances with his former team. Using his advanced knowledge of the terrain, he guided a team of combat specialists through an alternate route to his enemy, under the guise of sending a diplomat “just to talk.” It didn’t work out, but that’s innovation at work, and that’s very commendable.

Today’s NBA media landscape also makes keeping your beef under wraps difficult. It’s a perilous time for players who want to feud, but stay on the court, and situations like last night, which may have gone unnoticed by the public at large in decades prior, are on view for all to see. That’s why anyone with this character profile needs to be ready to cover his tracks, which Paul also excels at. To survive today, you need someone who can lead troops in the old-fashioned methods AND save face when it matters, and props to CP3 for controlling the narrative.

See other: LeBron James, Gregg Popovich

“The Pacifist”

Case Study: Nemanja Bjelica

Attributes: Reaction Time, Hidden Strength, Previous Experience

The pacifist does not want this fight. He didn’t start this. He’s very sorry if he may have shoved you earlier, or gone a little too hard for that rebound. He has especially bony elbows, see, and he realizes it isn’t pleasant when they make contact with a rib. He understands your anger, Arron, and wants you to know that he’ll be here to talk after the game if you need him.

The pacifist also knew that punch was coming before you did, Mr. Afflalo. He has seen this situation develop before, and knows that it probably doesn’t have a pleasant outcome for either of you. The pacifist understands how anger develops, and the negative effects it has on man. He’s seen armed conflict destroy his entire home region as a young child. At age 21, he saw a teammate throw a chair during an exhibition game and get arrested. He has seen anger, and really would just rather you not. Like, seriously, please do not throw this punch. He doesn’t want to put you in this headlock.

But, if you insist, he will, and it’s going to be uncomfortable. He’s sorry, again, for the neck pain. But he’s not sorry for those extra few seconds of the hold. Those were to protect your head from his teammates rushing in. The Pacifist is here for you, Arron, because despite you being mad and him being able to dodge a punch and get you in a vicegrip in an instant, he really just wants to be casual acquaintances, or at least not make more of a scene than this has to be. YOU’RE WELCOME.

See other: Mirza Teletovic, Jimmy Butler

“Bloodsport”

Case Study: James Johnson

Attributes: Strength, Knowledge of Obscure Martial Arts, Strength

Let’s not forget that the brute power guys are still around, though fewer and further between. It doesn’t even pay just to be a big dude with combat muscles, although those certainly help. Instead, you have to both have the strength and be trained in advanced techniques how to use it.

Note the quickness of the jabs here — these aren’t just random punches thrown from former Raptor to current Raptor. No, Johnson’s striking to connect with vital parts of the face here — note how he looks off Ibaka before delivering the left straight to the point of the jaw, the weakest spot in the bone. Once clear Ibaka is unphased, he eschews continued strikes and attempts to make himself bigger and in closer proximity to keep his opponent at bay. That’s textbook martial arts, and it’s what makes Johnson one of this league’s prized conflict managers. Today’s true enforcers aren’t just brawlers — they’re specialized warriors trained in ancient disciplines. Another reason to love where the league is headed.

See other: Steven Adams

“Kamikaze”

Case Study: Kelly Oubre

Attributes: Acceleration, Blinding Rage, Confidence

It’s not about the size of the dog in the fight, it’s about the dog’s willingness to get in the fight and end it before anyone realizes how bad an idea this is. That’s Oubre’s specialty. He’s going to fly in guns blazing, and take care of this whole thing, consequences or no. He’s a beneficial teammate to have because he’s willing to accept the role of protecting your ability to talk endless trash, and he’ll defend you to the death. He might be the one that hurts you, but know his heart was in the right place.

See other: Nicolas Batum, Marcus Smart

“The Cerebral Assassin”

Case Study: Joel Embiid

Attributes: Wittiness, Memory, Words per Minute

I’ve already mentioned how beefing in the NBA requires more finesse than ever before, and that stretches into the value of the other new piece of the NBA feuding landscape: Tech. With Twitter, Instagram, and Snapchat all available for fans to connect with their favorite players, Embiid has harnessed these weapons for the extremes of both good and evil. He’s one of the most physically imposing players in the NBA (when healthy), but he doesn’t need any of that to eviscerate you. All he needs is his phone, a photo, and an idea, and suddenly you’ve been dunked on 300,000 times by people all over the planet before you even knew he had an issue with you. Cross Embiid, and know that you’re going to wake up with a crater where your phone used to be because your mentions burned a hole right through it.

See other: Damian Lillard, Enes Kanter

“The Voodoo Doll”

Case Study: Bradley Beal

Attributes: Stealth, Revenge, Acting Chops

It’s not the fight that’s what’s maddening about Bradley Beal — it’s the hour and a half it took to get there that makes him one of the NBA’s foremost feuding champions. Beal’s been involved in two of the league’s better scuffles this year in the battle with Draymond Green above and this hit from Matthew Dellavedova. Why is he a popular target? Because he makes the feud happen, and then turns your anger back against you.

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He’ll rile you up with comments about your basketball worth to the media, and an endless array of leg kicks on jumpers, hip checks on screens, and elbows on the boards, and then when you’re good and irate, he sells contact like the Rock selling a Stone Cold Stunner (not that Dellavedova didn’t absolutely wreck him with that closeline). He’s managed to do this to two other players who are also very deserving of this place on the video game roster this year, and that’s a testament to how mad Bradley Beal can make you without ever throwing a punch.