Every USA Olympic hockey team, ranked by miracles on ice

13. Sochi Olympics, 2014

Here’s what went wrong at the 2014 Winter Olympics for Team USA: Zach Parise was made captain.

The team was never going to win with Parise as captain. Full offense to Parise, who is best known for hustling the Minnesota Wild out of what is currently the worst contract in the league. That’s Parise’s strength. He’s a hustler. And in the NHL, you need to be able to hustle. In the Olympics, you need an actual leader.

Parise is not that guy. He was never going to be that guy. But he hustled the Team USA brass into thinking he was that guy. They gave him the “C.” And he rewarded them with one goal in six games. That’s hustle. That’s not leadership.

Phil Kessel, who is criticized as being a poor leader because he eats too many hot dogs, had eight points. Since when is eating hot dogs a bad thing? If anything, it’s the most American thing in American history. The United States holds a competition to see who can eat the most hot dogs. And when do they hold this competition? On July 4th. Eating as many hot dogs as you can is the most celebrated sporting event on the most American day of the year.

Phil Kessel should have been captain.

But, Team USA went with Zach Parise. And he led the team to a fourth place finish. Parise’s leadership was so great that the team failed to score a goal in the final two rounds. Finland waxed them 5-0 in the bronze medal game.

Parise is lucky Alexander Ovechkin exists. Because he would have been the biggest failure in the 2014 Olympics if not for the Russian assistant captain.