5 big questions about time travel and NBA All-Star Weekend
We have questions about the NBA. Luckily, we also have answers. Some of them might be useful. A few might even turn out to be right. This is Five Big Questions and this week we fantasize about All-Star weekend.
You have been given a time machine. Assemble the four-player field for your perfect NBA Dunk Contest.
Ben Ladner (@bladner_): 1988 Dominique and 2000 Vince are locks. I would probably put 1988 Jordan in the mix as well, in part because of his rivalry with ‘Nique but also because he was just an incredible (and probably slightly underrated) dunker early in his career. It feels like recency bias to put pre-injury Zach LaVine in this group, but damn, did that guy do some awesome stuff in 2015 and 2016. I also considered Dr. J, but didn’t include him because I’m afraid he would seem a little underwhelming compared to these other guys’ explosiveness, flare and style. If that’s the case, I don’t want to find out.
Paul Centopani (@PCentopani): I agree with Ben’s first three picks. 2000 Vince put up a seminal performance in dunk contest history, Nique is legendary, and MJ is the GOAT. LaVine is a great choice and probably deserves it with what he did in 2015 and 2016, but I’ll opt for 2009 Nate Robinson as my fourth. Seeing a guy who’s my height be able to jump out of the building is always fun. Maybe the Krypto-Nate thing was a little kitschy, but anyone who keeps Dwight Howard from winning something gets major points with me.
Philip Rossman-Reich (@philiprr_omd): This is easy. Spud Webb, Nate Robinson, Dee Brown and Fred Jones. Everyone loves short people who can dunk. It gives us all hope that we too can one day fly. Also the judges would not know what to do because they always have an incredible bias to guys shorter than 6 feet who can dunk. Can’t we let them all win? Who cares how many attempts it took Fred Jones to make that 360 windmill?
Rory Masterson (@rorymasterson): ‘Nique, Vinsanity, Dr. J and Michael Jordan. Wilkins is the Human Highlight Reel; he’s a lock. 2000 Vince Carter (and, hell, maybe even 2018 Vince Carter, honestly) put on probably the single greatest dunk contest performance ever, single-handedly upping the standard and revitalizing a contest that had not been played since 1997 (due to the lockout in 1999 and the WNBA-NBA 2Ball Contest in 1998). Jordan’s a fierce competitor, and his omnipresence as a teary meme in 2018 is perhaps only surpassed by his omnipresence on the walls of college dormitories in silhouetted dunking form. If I’m not worried about Wilkins and Jordan’s creativity being underwhelming, I’m not worried about Dr. J. He’s the original master of the form and, if push came to shove, could certainly concoct something dazzling on a moment’s notice.
You have been given a time machine. Assemble the five-player field for your perfect NBA 3-point Contest.
Ladner: Steph, Klay, Bird, Ray Allen and Kyle Korver. Reggie Miller, J.J. Redick and Jason Kapono were all tough cuts, Reggie being the toughest. (I thought about including myself, because that would be super cool and fun, but then I realized I’m not an NBA player and would probably never recover from being completely humiliated in front of the masses.)
Centopani: Bird, Ray Ray, Steph, Klay, and Steve Nash. Korver, Mark Price, Dale Ellis, Dell Curry (for the father-son factor), Dirk (because everything’s better with Dirk), and Jamal Crawford (ditto) were my hardest omissions. Reggie was my easiest (I’m a Knicks fan).
Rossman-Reich: Stephen Curry, Larry Bird, Dennis Scott (personal favorite) and Jerry West. Curry for obvious reasons. Bird for obvious reasons. Dennis Scott made the 3-pointer OK for generations of college shooters and then was a knock-down shooter in the NBA. It is a shame he never won a contest in the NBA. And Jerry West would have been a killer 3-point shot if it existed when he played. The dude made a full-court shot in the Finals to tie the game. It was worth two points.
Masterson: Larry Bird, Steph Curry, Ray Allen, Reggie Miller and Kyle Korver. Bird’s legendary trash talking alone gets him in, and having prime Bird go against prime Reggie is a necessity in that regard. Curry is the greatest pure shooter of all-time. Ray Allen in a Lincoln High Jesus Shuttlesworth jersey would increase the wow factor and was the pre-Curry GOAT. Korver’s got the record for 3-point shooting in a single season and made an All-Star team almost incidentally. This is good television waiting to happen.
You have been given a time machine. Assemble the starting fives for each team in your perfect NBA All-Star celebrity game.
Ladner: Team 1: Kevin Hart (not very good at basketball, but the four MVPs speak for themselves), Win Butler (a heady NBA diehard with a smooth jumper), Jason Sudeikis (a lefty whose floor-spacing would be crucial), 1992 Woody Harrelson (obviously) and Terrell Owens (clearly the best player in the history of this event).
Team 2: Barack Obama (never played in the celebrity game, but a big basketball fan who can play), Arne Duncan (smart and crafty, has great chemistry with Obama), John Krasinski (as long as Jenna Fischer is in the stands), 1992 Wesley Snipes (obviously) and Usain Bolt (his length and athleticism would be crucial against Owens). (I didn’t include any retired players or WNBA players here because they were/are actual professional basketball players, which isn’t as fun.)
Centopani: Barry O would obviously be my first pick in a celebrity game, but I’ll keep my starting fives to those who’ve partaken in the exhibition before and who aren’t former NBA/WNBA players.
Team A: Nelly (is a playable character in NBA Street Vol. 2, one of the best video games ever made), Nick Cannon (Nick Cannon’s hilarious), Jason Sudeikis (fun fact, I once saw him in a restaurant in Brooklyn), Michael Rapaport (need a grade-A trash talker), Michael B. Jordan (Vince Howard always has a spot on my team)
Team B: Kevin Hart (sure his four MVP awards haven’t always been warranted, but you can’t argue with the hardware), Terrell Owens (arguably (maybe inarguably) the best athlete that’s been in the celebrity game), Win Butler (his name literally means victory), Master P (stretching my ‘no former NBA players’ rule here, but “Make ’Em Say UGH” is a phenomenal song), Anthony Anderson (if you don’t like Anthony Anderson, there’s something wrong with you)
Rossman-Reich: Can’t we just have whichever celebrities show up line up and dunk on Kevin Hart repeatedly on a Little Tikes hoop? Hart probably still can’t touch rim on that (it’s a short joke). Also, I don’t get Kevin Hart and hated how he hijacked the All-Star Game for several years. Did I mention I don’t get Kevin Hart. You can replace Hart with Dane Cook or Skip Bayless. I just want celebrities to dunk on someone everyone hates.
Masterson: None of my comrades are getting pancakes.
Team one: Quavo, Barack Obama, Arne Duncan, Michael B. Jordan and Justin Timberlake. The first four are, or were once reputed to be, actually decent-to-good basketball players. I’d want Timberlake on this team because he once crossed up Kenny Smith and then directed some insults in his general direction, which I’d love to see him try to do against the opponents here, because…
Team two: Prince and The Revolution, in stage apparel. Since there are six of them total, Dr. Fink can come off the bench. Prince deserves to bury Timberlake on the hardwood, and he absolutely could. Game, blouses.
You have been given a time machine. Assemble the eight-player field for your perfect NBA Skills Challenge. Just kidding! No one cares about that nonsense. Think of something better to replace this slot on All-Star Saturday night.
Ladner: Maybe it would be lame, but I’d be intrigued by a retired All Stars game. Just get 10-12 former All Stars who are still in decent shape and play a game similar to the celebrity game. That could get sad really fast, but some of these guys could probably still play. If nothing else, we’d get to see brief flashbacks of old individual rivalries. Do you think Kareem can still get up for skyhooks?
Centopani: Ooooo, I like the idea of a retired all-star game. You ever go down to the Y and see an old man game going on? Lots of set shots, up-and-under post moves, limited running… It’s pretty great. But I’ll throw this into the ring: eight-man halfcourt knock-out. Remember playing knock-out in gym class or at open rec? The strategy and skill needed to win, the chicanery and subsequent mayhem, and all the excitement that built with each progressive elimination? I even have the field ready: Lance Stephenson, JR Smith, James Johnson, Matthew Dellavedova, Russell Westbrook, Mario Hezonja, Draymond Green, and PJ Tucker. A dozen fights could break out in the first twenty minutes. Tell me you wouldn’t watch this!
Rossman-Reich: I know there were injury issues and all that, but can we bring back the Old-Timers Game? Maybe that is what the Celebrity Game has become. But nothing eliminates the backwash of nostalgia like a bunch of former players reminding us how old they are. Wait, that is definitely the celebrity game. Let’s do HORSE. Or, and this is my actual suggestion, a King of the Hill one-on-one competition. They do this in hockey with shootouts and it is amazing. Miss the shot and you are out. Make the shot and you survive. Same thing for the NBA. Make your shot and you stay in. Miss it and you are out (offense goes to defense after every possession, etc.). It’s like one-on-one knockout!
Masterson: For whatever reason, I have a soft spot in my heart for the dearly departed Shooting Stars Competition, which showcased a current NBA player, a retired NBA player and a current WNBA player shooting from all over the floor in a race against the clock (shout out to three-time champions Team Bosh, who will forever be the title-holders unless this thing makes a return). It was fun, it didn’t take too long (like the ultralight dream, hypothetical one-on-one tournament would) and it put gave an audience to the WNBA that likely wouldn’t engage with it otherwise. Call me crazy, stupid or foolish — I’ve been called worse things by better readers, I promise you — but bring back the Shooting Stars.
You have been given a time machine. Which NBA All-Star game do you go back to watch in person?
Ladner: 1998. Duncan and Kobe’s first appearances, Jordan’s last (real) season, both Hardaways, and actual competitiveness.
Centopani: 1987, the year of my birth. The game itself was great — the West beat the East 154 to 149 in overtime – but look at the rosters:
East Starters: Moses Malone, Larry Bird, Julius Erving, Michael Jordan, Dominique Wilkins. Reserves: Kevin McHale, Isiah Thomas, Charles Barkley, Jeff Malone, Bill Laimbeer, Robert Parish, Maurice Cheeks.
West Starters: Magic Johnson, Tom Chambers, James Worthy, Hakeem Olajuwon, Alvin Robertson. Reserves: Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Rolando Blackman, Sleepy Floyd, Joe Barry Carroll, Mark Aguirre, Walter Davis, Alex English.
That’s a total of 14 hall of famers and 15 who made the NBA 50 — including the East’s entire starting five. It was also ranked the No. 1 all-star game according to a little site called FanSided.
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Rossman-Reich: I would love to experience the pure drama of the 1964 NBA All-Star Game. The players nearly went on strike before the game for a new labor deal. And this game was going to be on TV. They used maximum leverage to get what they want. The owners actually caved! And the fans got to watch Oscar Robertson, Bill Russell, Jerry West, Elgin Baylor and Wilt Chamberlain. A more modern game you say? The 1992 All-Star Game had to be real special. I mean, I got to meet Cap’n Crunch and the Kool Aid guy as a kid at All-Star Saturday. Four-year-old me didn’t even know what a Magic Johnson was.
Masterson: I think I’d pick the 1985 All-Star Game, just to watch Isiah Thomas jeopardize his Dream Team candidacy in real time. Even if this whole tale is apocryphal, it’s peak-everybody-involved. In directing the freezing out of Michael Jordan, Thomas inadvertently contributed to his own, eventual demise and, legend holds, froze himself off of the 1992 U.S. Olympic men’s basketball team. Throw in an MVP performance from Ralph Sampson, and you’ve got me spinning Purple Rain while waiting outside the Hoosier Dome.