Apparently, millennials and their smartphones are ruining college basketball
By Ian Levy
According to one coach, his team may have lost in the NCAA Tournament because those darn millennials are always on their phones.
This morning (11:01 AM is still technically the morning), I woke up in my parent’s basement. Stumbled over the pile of dirty laundry my mother had yet to wash for me, I went upstairs, fired up the cappuccino machines and began spreading avocado on my toast. As is my way, I pulled out my phone and began scrolling through memes and social media to find out what the universe had been up to in the 14 hours I had been asleep.
It was at this moment I was shocked to discover that I, and the wonderful piece of technology in my hand, might be responsible for the impending destruction of college basketball, or at the very least, the NCAA tournament fate of the Stephen F. Austin Lumberjacks.
The Lumberjacks were waxed by a late surge from the Texas Tech Red Raiders in their first round matchup on Thursday. Sure, the Red Raiders are ranked 12th in the country by KenPom.com with a +21.95 adjusted efficiency margin. Yes, the Lumberjacks are ranked 112th with with a +5.59 adjusted efficiency margin. But apparently, if their millennial players had just been able to pull themselves away from Candy Crush and Failblog they would have had the leftover mental energy for actually scouting their opponent, which surely would have been the difference.
This of course, presumes that Texas Tech’s millennials would have themselves been too busy Snapchatting to do any scouting themselves, less the advantage melt away like so much lightly foamed hemp milk.
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Given that he referred to those “cats” on the Texas Tech team, we can only assume Lumberjack head coach Kyle Keller is a member of the beat generation. Maybe if he hadn’t been so busy grooving out to Coltrane and turning on, tuning in and dropping out, he could have recruited some slightly older players to avoid this issue.