Yes, Michigan are the bad guys in their Final Four match-up against Loyola, but try to resist the charms of this delightful bunch of weirdos.
The Loyola Ramblers are quite likable. A good group of dudes, who also happen to make for a wonderful underdog. The Michigan Wolverines, however, identify as a different type of dog: a pit bull. Pit bulls have a terrible reputation as mean fighting dogs, a bully breed, but if you’ve ever met a pit bull raised by the right person, they are cuddly and adorable and awesome. Yeah, they’re forever going to be scrappy, but they’re also goofy little guys. Maybe it’s a love-em-or-hate-em thing, which is also kind of fitting for a Michigan team.
In any case, John Beilein’s 2017-18 Michigan Wolverines are the latter form of pit bulls, which is to say, they are a bunch of goofy weirdos. A collection of misfit toys who have adapted to Beilein’s harder-than-calculus offensive system and formed arguably the coach’s best defensive team, ever. They bicker, they roast each other, they love each other. It’s great.
Here is a litany of fun things to know and tell about the Michigan Wolverines men’s basketball team.
Muhammad-Ali Abdur-Rahkman
- a.k.a. Ham
- a.k.a. MAAR
- Is the calm, quiet and unquestioned senior leader.
- Is the subject of constant and infinite old-man jokes.
- Is very superstitious.
- Wears pink Jordan 31s shoes because “I feel like I have a bit more swag when I wear them” but also because they were the only shoes he had access to after Michigan’s plane crash last year when the team went on to win the first of back-to-back Big Ten titles and they are good luck.
- Soft-spoken monotone humming is “mostly an act.”
- Has become more confident on the court over his four years at Michigan, and it’s just really sweet to watch kids grow into their own.
- “He’s just giving me positive outlooks and positive vibes. That’s the kind of person he is. You can go to him for anything.” – Jordan Poole
- “If you have any questions, he’s been in coach (Beilein’s) system for, like, 12 years, so he knows everything.” – Jordan Poole again, grinning
- Is named after Muhammad Ali.
- Is a lifelong Philadelphia Eagles fan.
- Supports the #FreeMeek movement.
- Knows that the correct answer response “how are you” is “I’m well” and not “I’m good.”
Moritz Wagner
- a.k.a. Moe
- Talks a lot of trash.
- Talks a lot of trash in both English and German.
- Is very…demonstrative, on the court.
- Is a bit of a loose cannon, but whatever.
- “No, they hate me everywhere. I obviously sense that. No, I know that. They hate me. That’s fine. I kind of embrace that role. And I’ve got to be honest: I would hate myself, too.”
- Thrives on the boos.
- Is a little bit repentant: “Sometimes I feel my expressions are a little too dramatic. And I don’t even necessarily mean it the way they look. But that’s something my teammates know and my coaches know and the most important people know.”
- “When he tries to talk fast, stuff doesn’t come out the right way.” – Isaiah Livers
- Goes by his middle name but was once mistakenly called by his first name when an announcer butchered the German pronunciation of his last name and ended up with Victor, which is his first name.
- “He thinks everything on social media is hilarious. Everything. Every video that anybody puts laughing emojis by, he’s going to show people. [He] laughs at it, even if it’s not funny.” – Isaiah Livers
- Makes frequent trips to Chipotle.
- Is a Werder Bremen fan.
- Is afraid of scary movies.
- Wears very hip, very German round wireframe glasses.
- Is 2 for 2 when his mom flies in for Michigan games.
- Would enjoy the power to fly, “survive underwater” and read minds.
- “Kevin Garnett was my idol growing up. Just with his intensity and energy, obviously he’s a little crazy in the head. But I appreciate that because I’m a little crazy out there too.” – in ESPN
Zavier Simpson
- f.k.a. Xavier Simpson
- a.k.a. X
- a.k.a. Z
- Changed the spelling of his name in the fall of 2017 from X to Z, but the guys still call him X.
- Is easily aggrieved.
- Is always angry on the court.
- Is in your shirt.
- Has a very active Snapchat, with which he constantly films his roommate Duncan Robinson.
- Doesn’t think it’s fair if Robinson gets to go to bed before him. (“So true.” – Wagner.)
- Would cross over kids in grade school games and send them falling to the ground, then he would score, then he’d point and laugh and get a technical.
- Prayed to be humble but it didn’t happen.
- Ran a bike crew in grade school.
- Speaks and has always spoken in a baritone.
- Per The Athletic’s Brendan F. Quinn: “When he was 4 years old, he walked into a room and said, ‘Wassup,’ and a group of uncles and cousins exploded in laughter; one yelling, ‘Man, get this grown-ass man out of here!'”
- Never forgets a slight.
- Is still in your shirt.
Jordan Poole
- a.k.a The Microwave
- a.k.a. The Poole Party
- Is best described as a “sashaying, shit-talking, shot-making star.”
- Is also very well-described as “wonderfully unhinged.”
- Has an overdose of swag.
- Feels more “free” in short shorts.
- Is convinced short shorts allow you to jump higher and run faster.
- Believes he started the short shorts movement at Michigan.
- Wears capri pants and cat t-shirts around campus.
- Accessorizes with a “surplus of confidence.”
- Loves cats.
- Loves talking.
- Loves talking about cats.
- Grew up with a cat named Bling.
- Was confused with Jordan Peele after The Shot 2.0, because the internet is dumb.
- Prefers Keanu to Get Out, because cats.
- Loves animals.
- Volunteers at the Wisconsin Humane Society.
- (Is from Milwaukee.)
- Led the student section cheers for women’s basketball and volleyball in high school.
- Lives for cameras, lives for the headlines.
- Started the season on the scout team.
- Routinely beat the first team with buzzer-beaters much like The Shot 2.0 while playing on the scout team.
- Has hit almost identical shots as a senior in high school and as a freshman at a different high school.
- “The first time I met Jordan, we were at a King James Tournament and he was like 8 or 9, and I was like 12 or 13, he just kept talking crazy, like, ‘I can beat you one-on-one.’ I was like, bro, you’re 8 years old, get outta here.” – Duane Wilson, Jr., AAU teammate and friend since forever.
- Is not named after Michael Jordan.
- Has made 40 3-pointers as a freshman.
- Can shoot. Will shoot.
Best of the Rest
- Charles Matthews (f.k.a. Turnover Matthews) does literally everything and is very well acquainted with section 212, from the days before he could do everything.
- Duncan Robinson apparently needs to have the TV and lights and all noise turned off at 10:30 p.m., according to Zavier Simpson.
- Isaiah Livers asked to trade shorts with Simpson for shorter shorts.
- Livers also could have gone pro in baseball but made a deal with his father that if he got five offers to play NCAA basketball, he could stick with basketball. He got exactly five.
- “The long shorts are out of date. If they can touch your knees, they’re way too long.” – Ibi Watson
- Watson believes he was the first to bring the short shorts movement to Michigan.) (Where is the respect for D.J. Wilson??)
- Watson described himself as “unconsciously incompetent” before this season, which seems a little harsh
- C.J. Baird was a student manager, became a walk-on, later hit a 3 in the Texas A&M blow-out, sending the bench into fits.
But, honestly, words do not do these goofballs justice. Enjoy this elite scrolls of official and behind-the-scenes photos of the team from the Sweet 16/Elite Eight, first two rounds, and the Big Ten tournament.
However, there is another element of their goofiness that just comes from watching them play. Luckily, they will be playing Saturday evening, 6 p.m. ET, in the Final Four against Loyola. You might just find yourself rooting for the villains.
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