Ice-Cold Takes: Crosby the baseball player, Scott Foster, Laine update

Ice-Cold Takes is a weekly humor column where we visit what is trending around the NHL. Voted “best new column” by the NHLPA among weekly NHL humor columns named Ice-Cold Takes.

Disclaimer: This column was not voted “best new column” by the NHLPA or any of its affiliates

It’s a well known fact that if you write a disclaimer after a claim, you are permitted to write anything you want in the preceding paragraph. To be honest, I have no idea if this is actually true or not, but if you are reading this it made it through the editing process and therefore is the correct use of a disclaimer.

It’s been a very busy week in the NHL. We saw an accountant become a star goalie, several more teams clinch their respective postseasons and multiple goal-of-the-year candidates. Three of those are held by Sidney Crosby, who has been celebrating baseball’s return by creating a crossover sport in which you score by batting the puck out of the air into the net. We’ll start with Sid this week.

Trending up

1. Sidney Crosby’s batting average

Top athletes play at such a high level that the game can get boring for them. Michael Jordan left basketball in his prime to pursue a career in baseball, a failed venture and general waste of time that would be met with far more scrutiny if it happened in the era of social media.

Sidney Crosby has found a way to quench his hockey boredom without leaving the game: Just play baseball on ice!

The first goal should have been in last week’s column. When it happened a second time, I made a mental note to write about it. Sid then went and did it a third time. Three dingers in a week is great for an actual baseball player. For a hockey player, it’s downright ridiculous.

Crosby is currently batting 1.000 this MLB season, with three goals on three at-bats. The Pittsburgh Penguins, as they do, are unveiling a new bag of tricks for the playoffs and Crosby’s hand-eye coordination is atop the list. The only goalie that can stop this is a goalie who is perfect through his NHL career, which brings us to trend No. 2.

2. The Accountant

The Accountant may be one of the most underrated movies of this decade. Sure, it “doesn’t make sense,” the story line may be “full of holes” and the plot is “dumb” but who cares about all of that.

Just kidding. That movie was terrible. We’re going to discuss Hollywood’s next hit movie named The Accountant, which will be the story of Scott Foster.

By now you’ve definitely heard of Foster, an accountant by day and Chicago Blackhawks emergency backup goalie by night. As of last week, he can add “household name” to that list. Foster was called up when Chicago Blackhawks goalie Anton Forsberg injured himself in warmups. When back-up goalie Collin Delia went down in the third period, Foster was the last line of defense against a high-scoring Jets team.

Foster stopped all seven shots he faced. He currently boasts a perfect career save percentage of 1.000 and goals against average of 0.00, thus making him the greatest goalie to ever play the game. The 36-year-old Foster also showed that he is a seasoned veteran when dealing with the media:

Nothing but love for Scott Foster, the new king of beer-league hockey.

3. William Karlsson

Before this season, if you heard the words “Karlsson” and “highlight” there was a 100 percent chance that it was about Ottawa Senators defenseman, Erik. This season, William Karlsson of the Vegas Golden Knights has taken the league by storm. His most recent highlight is most likely the goal of the year:

Most people don’t know how to perform this move in a video game, let alone in real life. Even those who do often don’t have the gall to pull it off in a game.

Karlsson did this against a playoff-bound team, shorthanded, in the third period, to clinch the division. What?  The pair on this kid. It’s shocking that Karlsson could even fit his stick between his legs.

Trending Down

1. Regular concerts

Love concerts? Love hockey? Well, the Music City has you covered on both!

https://twitter.com/BarSouthNCelly/status/980481363605209089

Why go to a regular concert when in Nashville, you can attend a hockey game and be a part of a concert at the same time! The Beatles are great and all, but how many Beatles concerts have you been to that also had world-class athletes skating into each other at 30 miles per hour?

Nashville sits second on my list of cities in which I want to see a game (Boston is in first, for obvious reasons). Nowhere else comes close to these two. This may be an old wives’ tale, but apparently the bars in Nashville just stay open 24/7. People wake up, go to the bar, watch bands play, party, go to hockey games, go back to the bar and party more (please do not fact check me on this — we all have dreams)

Someday soon you’ll find me in Nashville, quoting the Goo Goo Dolls to my wife, “This is the closest to heaven that I’ll ever be, and I don’t want to go home right now.”

2. Michael Haley

I don’t care how tough you are. I don’t care how many fights you’ve had. You’re going to lose to Adam McQuaid.

Haley is widely regarded as one of the league’s best fighters. He’s a hybrid enforcer, a rare breed that can both scrap and be effective on the ice. Adam McQuaid made him look like a regular person trying to fight Mike Tyson. McQuaid rag-dolled him so hard that Haley looked like an actual blur until he hit the ice. He got punched so hard that his helmet ended up in his jersey somehow.

Think twice before you fight Darth Quaider.

3. Patrik Laine’s beard.

Seeing as we are the official column of Patrik Laine’s beard, here’s your one-month check-in. It’s still very bad.

Bonus Coverage

We’re going to end this week with a feel-good story before jumping into the betting. This story is a prime example of why hockey fans are the greatest fans in the world. Kelly Sowatsky went to see her favorite team play with a slightly different sign than what we’re used to seeing:

“I had a feeling when I took [the sign] to PPG Paints Arena, something good would come of it.” Kelly told NHL.com. “The outreach has been just incredible…. The words ‘thank you’ just don’t even begin to cover it.”

There’s no doubt in my mind that Kelly will find herself a donor. Good on the Penguins organization, fans and everyone involved for helping her go viral with this. (I will update everyone once there is a happy ending.)

Betting locks of the night (1-5)

Thankfully, that first winning bet was on a +231. If you recall last week’s column, I mentioned betting big on the underdogs to win your money back. You are welcome. Let’s keep the ball rolling and get two tonight.

Ottawa (+109) over Buffalo: Buffalo is so bad. Ottawa is playing in its third last game with Erik Karlsson. He’ll be looking to pick up another puck to commemorate his last game in Buffalo.

Chicago (+193) over St. Louis: Everything is saying St. Louis in this one, so let’s bet against them! A fringe playoff team, at home, trying hard to get in, playing against a team that is out. If any team is going to be good enough to play spoiler in these last couple games, it’s Scott Foster’s Chicago Blackhawks. Chicago by two-plus goals.

Next: Which Game of Thrones characters would make the best hockey players?

Until next week, friends!

Keep your head up.

Odds according to Oddsshark.