Gabe Kapler, that rogue eagle made baseball fun this week
By John Buhler
Gabe Kapler may not be a good MLB manager…yet, but he’s keeping it real interesting. He and that rogue eagle in Seattle made baseball fun this week.
It’s been about a week since baseball started doing its thing this year. You know, what so far, so good. It’s been really nice seeing America’s pastime get weird a little bit in early April. Though Opening Day has come and gone, baseball is doing enough interesting stuff to distract us from the fact that no, this is not the Year of the Tiger at Augusta. (He doesn’t have the Eye of the Tiger.)
The Boo Birds have been in full effect in early April. It’s been a long, cold lonely winter, but you know what? Here comes the Sun and it is giving us the energy to leave Netflix behind and start booing some multi-millionaires! If you can’t make as much money as them, boo them incessantly until they probably break down and cry. It’s the only way.
Nothing gold can stay, Ponyboy and if you liked it, well, you should have put a ring on it. Even if you did, I think it’s going to be a long, long time before Houston has a problem with championship banners. Seven Seconds or Less works for about Seven Seconds or Less in the NBA Playoffs because LeBron’s LeBron. Just don’t make him sue you. He’s Team Barbershop, as he has to have that ebb and flow hairline on fleek fo sho.
Opening Days continued this week and some were more glorious than others. Odds are, they grabbed our attention if they involved banners, eagles, formerly bearded closers and of course, coconut oil. So this week, we’re going to give baseball an A for entertaining us. Here are some YouTube Videos, some FanSided links, some pictures to look at and other things to click on. Together, we make baseball fun this week.
Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you manager Gabe Kapler
With calf tats for days and enough coconut oil to make you think that you’re secretly living in an Almond Joy factory, I present to you the greatest thing to happen to managerial styles since Michael Scott in Philadelphia Phillies skipper Gabe Kapler.
After playing for half as many teams in the big leagues as Matt Stairs, Kapler learned everything Mad Scientist Joe Maddon taught him. As a person that has a managerial degree, I endorse everything Kapler does for the Phillies. If he’s bad, well, then that helps out my Atlanta Braves. Should he be good, well, that gives him more opportunities to entertain us.
The guy is so ripped, he would have a better time being a washboard player for Beck than Bender that one time on Futurama. With abs like that, you can’t possibly be a pededor, even if you are a Loser, baby. In terms of managers, I Think I’m In Love, but I feel kinda nervous to say so. He’s E-Pro, fo sho.
That Eagle decided to go ‘Murica all over Canadian James Paxton
There is nothing more ‘Murica than a bald eagle. NOTHING…NOTHING!!! Chill out, Jacobim, as I got you that not foamy latte your body craved so you can work on glamorizing the Derelicte Campaign. Speaking of trash, let me tell you about what happened at the Seattle Mariners’ Opening Day.
So pitcher James Paxton was probably singing some Alanis Morisette song in his head during the playing of the national anthem because he’s Canadian and all. Isn’t it Ironic that this bald eagle that wasn’t Sleepless in Seattle decided to go rogue and “land” on the M’s hurler?
That eagle tasted freedom after he busted out of his Rusty Cage…and run flew. Clearly, Paxton has Fell on Black Days since America’s Greatest Bird mistook him for a tree. Opening Day was a Day Paxton Tried To Live, but how could you ever account for that rogue eagle being so alive in the Superunknown? Make the playoffs this year, M’s. It’s time.
Giancarlo Stanton, you know what, man? BOO!
It’s not just me who is having the hardest time adjusting to northern climate lifestyles. Unlike me, I’m 30 percent sure that Giancarlo Stanton has never seen snow before. It’s just part of the job when one takes his talents from South Beach to the Big Apple. Welcome to New York. It’s been waiting for you.
Waiting for Stanton was a fantastic Flock of Seagulls, and by that I mean Boo birds. The guy saw snow earlier in the week and absolutely panicked, as in struck out all the time. I have not been more let down since Mayfield/McGregor during a television spectacle. No wonder Conor went rouge on that bus the other day. Let’s hope Stanton’s problems in The Bronx don’t get that bad.
Turns out, it can only go up from here. Together, Stanton and I have combined to make the MLB playoffs exactly zero times. Our combined ages are about 60, which is slightly more than twice the amount of World Series rings the Yankees have won all time. Let’s just say they are pros about winning championships. I’m looking at you, Astros.
The Astros’ banner unveiling abilities are a total disaster
I DO NOT CARE how many fake diamonds you put on that ring or what they even remotely symbolize, you had five months to figure out how a tarp works. Houston, you have problems, as winning championships is something you’re not used to.
For those that don’t feel like paying attention to Houston until the playoffs, their championship banner unveiling went about as well as the intro at the 2014 Sochi Games. Just be happy Putin wasn’t in attendance. It was a total Left Shark botch job.
Clearly, the ‘Stros got so Crazy in Love with that ring design of theirs that they couldn’t execute their Precious unveiling of said championship banner. For years, the Astros tanked and gave Houstonians a bunch of lemons. They found the technology to turn it into Lemonade. Truthfully, if the Astros liked their banner, then they should have put a ring on it, because that’s all they clearly care about.
Dexter Fowler really needed a hit that day
For about three days, there was no worse hitter in baseball than Dexter Fowler of the St. Louis Cardinals. He started the year out in a gross 0-13 hole and tweeted out “I will get a hit” exactly 13 times. You know what? It worked.
100 percent Stompin’ in his Air Force Ones into the batter’s box, Fowler hit a fair baseball and drove in something called Jedd Gyorko to get off the schneid. E-I-E-I uh oh! Guess who now has a hit this year? This guy, as in Dexter Fowler.
After the game, he was rolling down the streets of St. Louis in his Range Rover. This hit clearly meant a lot to Fowler. Otherwise, why would have tweeted about it before the game? Other guys might have had more memorable first hits of the season, but this one’s the best.
Brian Wilson wanted to rage right now in full uniform
Wouldn’t It Be Nice? if we were younger, as in seeing the greatest closer the Giants have ever had all time in spirit pitch again. No, you don’t have to make Pets Sounds and lie in your bed at 300 pounds to make that happen. Yes, Brian Wilson just randomly showed up in full uniform to throw out the first pitch for the Giants and it was the greatest thing ever.
I feel like I want to rage right now just thinking about it. He may have been beardless, but you’re technically only a few minutes away from having a beard if you have a can of nifty black spray paint. Now how does The Machine feel about this? Never prouder, but it needs its sugar to you know, do Machine things.
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Perhaps the Giants could have used Wilson last year? Then again, he might have been stranded on that island with Tom Hanks and not Walking in Memphis because FedEx sucked back in 2000. If Tim Tebow can play minor league baseball, Brian Wilson can “pitch” for the Giants. Make it happen, ‘Frisco.