Ice-Cold Takes (playoffs edition): Kissing, fighting and catfish

Ice-Cold Takes is a weekly NHL humor column where we visit what is trending around the NHL. It’s also the official column of sad Washington Capitals fans everywhere.

“I told you so” is what I would say to Washington Capitals fans if I wasn’t such a nice person. We’re a week into the playoffs, and the Washington Capitals have somehow been eliminated after only playing three games. The Caps play Game 3 after this column gets posted, so they have not lost that game yet, but who are we kidding? I won’t need to edit this.

The Capitals aren’t the only team getting rocked in these playoffs. The Western Conference is showing us that all you need to beat a King is a couple of experienced Knights (checkmate!) and to the delight of just about everyone, the San Jose Sharks are embarrassing Corey Perry and the Anaheim Ducks.

The NHL Playoffs are providing no shortage of storylines, so let’s dive into the trends from this past week:

Trending Up

1. Soft, sensual kisses

Nothing says “good game” like a soft caress. Brad Marchand showed his softer side in Game 1 of the Bruins vs. Leafs series by giving his friend Leo Komarov some affection:

After the game, Marchand told reporters: “I thought he wanted to cuddle, so I was just trying to get close to him.” Obviously, he was being truthful and genuine. It’s Brad Marchand we’re talking about here. The Maple Leafs aren’t showing Brad the same kind of love in the hard-fought series. Sad.

Fortunately for Brad, he plays on the greatest line in recent hockey history so he can get over his heartbreak by scoring an obscene amount of goals with his linemates. The Bruins’ top line had 20 points in the first two games of this series. Toronto won Game 3 of the series, but only because David Pastrnak missed three open nets. Don’t expect that to happen again.

2. Auston Matthews’ mom

Auston Matthews finally showed up on Monday against the Bruins. He had what ended up being the game-winner in Toronto, playing a solid game for the first time in the series. The crowd of millionaires (and those who took out loans to buy tickets) were extremely happy, but none more than his own Mother, who wore a shirt with a bitmoji (“cartoon” if you are older than 30) version of his face on it:

This has to be the ultimate Mom move. I love it. She now has to wear this at every game. Maybe Mrs. Matthews can get more of these bitmoji shirts made: Matthews scoring a goal, Matthews celebrating and, by early next week, Matthews with a golf bag.

3. This Capitals fan

While most Caps fans are definitely not trending up, this child isn’t old enough to fully understand the lifetime of heartbreak her team is going to put her through. Though she did experience a taste of it for a minute:

A pretty special moment indeed. Let’s first point out that in true Capitals fashion, Brett Connolly had some trouble getting the puck to go where he wanted it to. Something about the month of April that just gets to these Washington players. Secondly, this girl shows the two emotions she will experience in her lifetime as a Caps fan. First, sadness:

Then when the Capitals try, try again, and fail, she experiences anger:

This was a glimpse into her future. This is what Caps fans look like every postseason. The video did have a happy ending when the little girl got her puck. Maybe this is foreshadowing for the Capitals. Probably not, though.

Trending Down

1. Mikhail Sergachev

Brian Boyle got into it with a few of the Tampa Bay Lightning on Monday evening, most notably Mikhail Sergachev, leading to what will be one of the most shared New Jersey Devils playoff clips:

Terrifying for Mikhail. Fun for the rest of us! Sergachev is most likely nervous and scared, like a kid who was just called out by the toughest kid in class to meet at the flagpole after school. Now he has to sit there all day and think of ways to get out of the fight. “I’m going to *expletive* kill you.” Boyle said, multiple times, as the refs pushed him away from the action. Yikes. Good luck, Mikhail!

The minute the gloves came off, Boyle was smiling more than a kid on Christmas morning. Even as he was piled on by a scrum of players, he was smiling. Then as he was being dragged out by referees, he made a promise to all of us that

he is going to murder an opposing player

Game 4 is going to be exciting!

2. Catfish

The Nashville Predators have arguably the best fan base in the NHL. They are loud, they sing, they chant and they throw catfish on to the ice. Every game, several fans will hide a full-sized dead catfish, occasionally dressed in Predators gear, somewhere on their person. It’s part of a long-standing tradition in hockey.

What a terrible time to be a catfish. Imagine this: You are minding your own business, meandering down the Cumberland River. Suddenly, what you thought was a snack turns into a lip piercing followed by death and an embarrassing public display in which you are dressed up (fish don’t wear clothes!) and thrown onto a sheet of ice. There you are, dead, dressed up for a team you may not even cheer for, sitting on an inaccessible version of your old habitat! Talk about disrespect.

I wish we could start doing things like this in everyday life. Imagine if your boss was in the middle of a meeting and Jared from accounting threw a dead salmon onto the conference room table. Maybe he dresses the salmon in a little three-piece suit. I don’t know about you, but I’m going hard for the rest of that work day.

3. The Rogers Center in Toronto

The Toronto Blue Jays Twitter account thought it would get sassy and fire a shot at opposing open-air stadiums that were having to reschedule games due to the mess of a storm that is hitting most of Canada and the United States right now. The Jays account tweeted “Due to our stadium having a roof, today’s game will be played as scheduled.” Cheeky!

Hours later, chunks of ice fell from the nearby CN Tower onto the Rogers Center roof, forcing the Jays to reschedule their game and own up to the internet:

Hopefully the Blue Jays learned a lesson. The best form of protection is always abstinence.

Betting locks of the night (4-6):

Pittsburgh (-140) over Philadelphia: Someone explain to me how Philly won a game in this series? Chalk it up to luck I guess. Pittsburgh in 5, by 5.

Colorado (+149) over Nashville: Like a needy baby that won’t fall asleep without music, Nashville can’t win unless they are being sung to by their home crowd. Colorado will tie this series up at home in Game 4.

That is all for this week. As always, keep your head up!

Next: 30 best NHL jerseys of all-time

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