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The 5 reasons why you suck at Fortnite (and how to suck less)

By Bruin Belisle

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FOXBOROUGH, NY – DECEMBER 24: New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick walks the sideline during a National Football League game between the between the Buffalo Bills and the New England Patriots on December 24, 2017, at Gillette Stadium in Foxborough, MA. (Photo by Icon Sportswire)
FOXBOROUGH, NY – DECEMBER 24: New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick walks the sideline during a National Football League game between the between the Buffalo Bills and the New England Patriots on December 24, 2017, at Gillette Stadium in Foxborough, MA. (Photo by Icon Sportswire) /

5. Everyone else is cheating

Hackers! Cheaters! The New England Patriots of Fortnite (sweet gaming headset, Bill)!

Losing in anything sucks. Losing a Fortnite match is next-level pain. This game is the closest thing most of us have to actual competition since high school or college. Everyone who’s made it to the top 10 in a solo match knows the feeling. Your heart starts to race, you stand up and get a little closer to your screen, palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms heavy … (nah we’re not doing the spaghetti thing). Then, BOOM! You get one-shotted by a dude wearing a reaper skin.

“F***ING CHEATER!”

There’s no way you just got killed by that other player. No way. The shot was too clean, it dealt too much damage. It was impossible. In your fit of rage, you report him. “He’s definitely cheating, stupid hacker!”

You’re not even completely sure it is possible to cheat at Fortnite, but you know this player did, as did the next player who bests you and the one after that. The ultimate video game excuse is that the other side must be cheating. It’s easy to convince yourself of this when you are fuming in your living room, having just been eliminated by the 12-year old gamer in a “Rust Lord” skin who is now doing the “Take the L” dance over the spot you died.

How to fix this:

The world is unfair. A popular New England-area football coach who we won’t name (his name rhymes with “Fill Felichick”)  was once quoted as saying this: “If you’re not cheating you’re not trying.“ Kidding. Relax, Pats fans.

There’s a very good chance that you didn’t just get eliminated by a hacker. It was probably just a better player. As the age-old saying goes, “practice makes perfect.” Play more, perfect your craft, learn how to jump while switching between shotguns. Most of all, don’t give up. You’ll get that long-awaited dub. If that bush-hiding noob JJ Watt can get a win, you can too.

Next: As Fortnite takes over Vegas, it's time to pay attention to esports

If you suck at Fortnite like I do and you want to hear more excuses as to why I’m losing (or if you can help me get better), follow me on Twitter @TheRealBruin.