Ice-Cold Takes (playoff edition): The #ALLCAPS column

Ice-Cold Takes is a weekly NHL humor column covering what is trending around the league. It’s also the official column of wildly inaccurate postseason Washington Capitals takes.

THE WASHINGTON CAPITALS WON SO WE ARE DOING THIS COLUMN IN #ALLCAPS.

No, just joshing. That would be a nightmare to type, edit and read. When you read this, pretend every word is being SHOUTED OUT LOUD WITH EXCITEMENT.

Well, Washington? We did it! Together, we reversed the curse. I am taking as much credit for this as any player on the ice, as the opposite of anything said in this column comes true. We’re owning the column name, “Ice-Cold Takes,” by continuously providing you with false prediction after false prediction.

More than any other take, this column has been especially hard on the Washington Capitals. Now, Washington, you see the big picture. ICT has single-handedly fueled your beloved team to the Eastern Conference finals, and you are so very welcome.

In honor of the Capitals breaking the curse and ending the evil Penguins regime, let’s celebrate Washington’s independence day with an #ALLCAPS column. This is for you, Washington fans. Enjoy it.

Trending Up

1. YOUR Washington Capitals

Seven straight meetings. The Pittsburgh Penguins beat the Washington Capitals in seven straight playoff meetings prior to Monday night’s big win (including every time during the Ovechkin/Crosby era). Regular season stats, talent, injuries, everything was thrown out the window when these two teams met, until Monday’s Game 6.

Evgeny Kusnetsov scored the game winner on a Pittsburgh turnover in overtime on Game 6. Had the Capitals not scored, it would be hard not to think the Penguins would have won Game 7 and returned to the Eastern Conference final. But they didn’t! Take that, Pittsburgh!

It’s hard not to treat this like the Stanley Cup in Washington but it’s important that this team stays focused. No one wants to see the Tampa Bay Lightning in the Stanley Cup final so please, Washington, stay focused.

2. Alex Ovechkin

Is it too

late

early to revisit the age-old argument of who we’d rather have between Sid and Ovi? Look at them now. Crosby is on his way home and Ovechkin is one step closer to the Cup! I don’t know about you, but to me it’s pretty clear that I’d rather have the guy heading to the 2018 Eastern Conference final than the guy who is probably golfing right now.

Ovechkin was animated after their Game 6 win on Monday, with a very honest depiction of what was going through his head in overtime (excuse the language, NSFW):

This is a man who was long overdue for a win against a rival team. Good for him, good for us, good for everyone that gets to see another round (or two) of Ovechkin work his magic.

3. Australia

Australia is a beautiful country located on the other side of the world where far less hockey is played. Home to just about every animal, reptile or insect that can kill you, Australia boasts a very diverse range of wildly dangerous wildlife.

Let’s have a look at some Australian facts before assuming the country is actually deadly:

This is from a legitimate tourism website. Notice how they casually sneak the dangers in?

“An Emu can run fast. THE PLATYPUS WILL MURDER YOUR DOG! Wombat poo is shaped like a cube. THE BOX JELLYFISH KILLS EVERYONE! When you’re being eaten alive by a crocodile, just poke it in the eye, no big deal!”

Amazing. To just work these deadly facts in with the generally informative ones makes for a funny read, but I see right through you, Australia. One great thing that made it out of Australia alive is Capitals winger Nathan Walker!

Not only did Nathan Walker become the first Australian to play in an NHL postseason game on Monday night, he became the first one to collect a point in the same game. Good on ya, mate!

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1. Phil Kessel

Hey Phil, the only thing you’ll be eating hot dogs out of this summer is sadness!

The truth is, Kessel could not contribute in the Pens second round series with the Caps because was already at home when all of this went down. Wait. He wasn’t? He was playing in the series with the Capitals? Oh.

Phil Kessel had no goals and only four assists in the second round. He was a -5 through those six games. Let’s chalk it up to an off year for the usual playoff titan, but he could not have picked a worse time to fall off the edge of this flat Earth.

2. Kris Letang

Speaking of guys not showing up, the Penguins might have been better if Letang actually stayed home for this series. Many Penguins fans, including Letang himself, put the blame for their Game 5 loss on the veteran defenseman after a mistake he made cost them the game. He was also on the ice when Kuznetsov flew by him to score the Game winner in Game 6.

To add insult to injury, Letang was pumped by Capitals angry little guy T.J. Oshie in a fight at the end of Game 4.

https://twitter.com/camden_wise/status/992230619492044803

It wasn’t as if Letang didn’t see the punch coming. No excuses here as they mutually dropped the gloves before Letang threw a wild right, giving up any and all position he may have had. Oshie ended it with one right hook square to the face that put Letang to the ice. The fight might as well have been a metaphor for Game’s 5 and 6 in that one dumb mistake led to the end.

3. FanSided contributor, Bruin Belisle

Can we list all the things this guy has gotten wrong? Yes, we can.

• Columbus Blue Jackets will sweep Washington Capitals (Capitals won in six)
• Vegas Knights will lose to L.A. Kings (Knights swept Kings)
• Bruins will beat Leafs in five games (Bruins won in seven)
• Knights will lose to San Jose Sharks (Knights beat Sharks)
• Pittsburgh Penguins will sweep Capitals (Capitals won in six)
• Bruins will come back from 3-1 deficit and defeat Tampa Bay Lightning (Bruins lost in five)
• Caps will lose Game 6 to Pens (Caps won Game 6)
• Jets will close out series with Nashville at home (Jets lost Game 6 at home)

Ice-Cold Takes is an understatement. Get it together, idiot. Aside from a few toss-up betting lines, almost everything that’s ever been listed in this column has been wrong. But it’s true to the column name, and we’re going to stick with it.

Betting Locks of the night

Seeing as there are no games tonight, bet on yourself! Whatever it is you’ve been putting off, do it! We believe in you!

Just kidding. Let’s cross the border into the realm of football for today’s betting.

Baltimore Ravens (+4500) to win Super Bowl LIII: Yes, seriously. Throw a few dollars on the Ravens. They still have a champion-level defense, they are the only team that can go in to Foxborough or Pittsburgh and beat the Patriots and/or Steelers in the playoffs, they added much needed receivers and their drafted players that will make an immediate impact. The Ravens are going for it. Considering they have the same odds as the Tennessee Titans (no), Arizona Cardinals (NO) and Detroit Lions (HAHA, obviously not); they are a good value bet.

If that doesn’t convince you, legendary Ravens general manager Ozzie Newsome is stepping down after this season. He’s been known to make moves when he needs to and I wouldn’t be surprised if they do everything they can to win a Super Bowl this season for him, and for Joe Flacco who will eventually be replaced by Lamar Jackson in what will be a new offense. Ravens are in win-now mode.

(The Bruins lost and the Raptors got embarrassed in the same week. Let me have this one).

Next: Which Game of Thrones characters would make the best hockey players?

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Odds according to Oddshark.