World Cup Day 2 awards: Cristiano Ronaldo is a world-class tax evader

Uruguay and Iran both won, while Spain and Portugal produced the game of the tournament so far on World Cup Day 2. Let’s hand out some awards.

The first full day of World Cup matches is complete. Uruguay stole a win with a last-minute goal against Egypt, Morocco’s Aziz Bouhaddouz scored an emphatic own goal to hand Iran their second ever World Cup win and Spain and Portugal thrilled us in the final game of World Cup Day 2. Let’s hand out some awards.

The Gareth Bale Award for Conspicuous Bench-Sitting: Mohamed Salah

A day after Egypt manager Hector Cupert told reporters Mohamed Salah was “almost 100 percent” certain to play against Uruguay, he named the Liverpool forward on the bench, then brought on one, then two, then three substitutes, none of whom were Mohamed Salah. Almost indeed. Salah, who was celebrating his 26th birthday, seemed happy enough on the bench until Jose Giminez bailed out Uruguay’s very uninspired attack (first-time Edinson Cavani volleys notwithstanding) with a 90th-minute headed winner. It was a cruel end to an otherwise encouraging game for the Pharaoh’s, but with Salah presumably even more than almost 100 percent certain to start against Russia in the next match, they still have a decent chance of advancing.

The Geremi Award for Experimental Throw-In Techniques: Vahid Amiri

Spain vs. Portugal was the day’s main event — El Iberico, or something — but after a not great opening match between Uruguay and Egypt, Morocco and Iran threatened, very briefly, to steal the show. Things got boring quickly in the second half, but the first was mayhem. All sorts of weird and wacky s**t was going on — Nordin Amrabat playing as a right-back, the Morocco medical staff’s concussion protocol, Iran’s frankly inspiring willingness to shoot from every direct free-kick, no matter the distance, etc. — but nothing was either weirder or wackier than Vahid Amiri’s throw-in in the 22nd minute.

Truly a sight to behold.

The Dennis Bergkamp Award for Last-Minute Winners: Aziz Bouhaddouz

We were treated to not one, but two last-minute winners today, with Jose Gimenez stealing a win for Uruguay in the 90th minute and Aziz Bouhaddouz, on as a substitute, turning into his own net to hand Iran victory in the 96th minute. Given the makeup of Group B, in which Spain and Portugal are big favorites to finish first and second, the stakes were much higher for Morocco and Iran. Add to that the fact it was an own goal, and that it was only Iran’s second ever World Cup win, and that it was textbook diving header, and Bouhaddouz gets the edge.

Next: The best player on every team at the World Cup

The Robert Green Award for World Cup Goalkeeping Howlers: David de Gea

David de Gea may be the best keeper in the world, but apparently that doesn’t make him immune to terrible, terrible goalkeeping when the moment calls for it. La Roja fans will presumably be wishing the moment he *decided* to use up his one mistake of the season hadn’t been quite so significant, but such is the life of a goalkeeper. The mistake felt particularly cruel given the way Spain had worked their way back into the game following Cristiano Ronaldo’s early penalty. Then again, what with all the drama around the Spanish camp in these first few days of the World Cup, perhaps we should’ve seen this coming. If I were David de Gea (and I’m almost 100 percent certain that I’m not), I’d blame it on Julen Lopetegui and move on.

The Not Neymar Award for Pleading Guilty To Tax Evasion At Just The Right Moment: Cristiano Ronaldo

Cristiano Ronaldo is a tax evader. You know it, I know it and, as we found out this morning, Cristiano Ronaldo knows it too. Still, if you’re going to start the day by pleading guilty to tax evasion, you may as well end it by scoring your first ever World Cup hat-trick against one of the tournament favorites. Ronaldo’s first may have been a penalty, and his second may have been the result by an awful mistake by David de Gea, but the third was truly stunning, the sort of goal Ronaldo presumably fantasizes about while practicing that stupid celebration in front of the mirror at home.

The end.