World Cup Day 14 awards: Goodbye, Germany

Germany crashed out of the World Cup at the first hurdle, while Brazil beat Serbia to top their group. Let’s hand out some awards.

The big news on World Cup Day 14 is that the holders are out. After a 2-0 loss to South Korea, Germany’s awful campaign comes to the end it deserved. Their loss was Sweden and Mexico’s gain, as both side’s advance to the round of 16. Over in Group E, Brazil beat Serbia without playing to their best and Switzerland and Costa Rica played out an entertaining draw. Let’s hand out some awards.

The Defending World Cup Champions Award for Going Out In The Group Stage: Germany

Germany’s transition from “struggling to find their form” to “out of the World Cup” was so seamless most people didn’t even realize it had happened until roughly five minutes into second-half stoppage time of their final group match against South Korea. There’s plenty of precedent for defending World Cup champions falling at the first hurdle, but this was the sort of meltdown Die Mannschaft have spent the past 80 years convincing us they, of all teams, were simply incapable of. Even in light of the pre-tournament hiccups and awful opening game and only slightly better second game, the idea of Joachim Low’s side doing anything other than cruising regally through to at least the quarterfinals seemed laughable. The good news is Germany’s iron-clad reputation as the world’s most efficient footballing machine took a long overdue hit. The bad news is there’s a 99 percent chance this will lead to an extremely well-executed infrastructural overhaul that leaves the rest of us waiting another 80 years for Germany’s next disappointment.

The Fernando Llorente Award for Downgrades: Filipe Luis

Filipe Luis is fine. Sometimes Filipe Luis does things and and they’re good and sometimes Filipe Luis does things and they’re getting sent off for two-footing Lionel Messi in the knees. Fine. Whatever. Marcelo, however, is more than fine; significantly more than fine. Marcelo is a renaissance man, the world’s finest purveyor of outrageous, no-look first touches, an attacking midfielder being asked to play as a left-back and playing as an attacking midfielder anyway. Marcelo is the purest distillation of jogo bonito Brazil have produced since Ronaldinho was in his pomp. Today, Marcelo was forced off with an injury and replaced by Filipe Luis. Pele isn’t dead yet, but if he were, he’d be spinning in his grave.

The Aziz Bouhaddouz Award for Own Goals: Edson Alvarez

Word on the street is Own Goal is the leading scorer at this tournament, which makes sense considering Own Goal is all 736 at this tournament at once, and all the other players are just one player at once. Even so, Own Goal went above and beyond during Sweden’s 3-0 rout of Mexico. Edson Alvarez was the victim, bundling the ball into his own net following a truly majestic loss of coordination on what proved, after some very nervous moments, to be a banner day for El Tri.

The Barcelona Award for Mes Que Un Club: Philippe Coutinho and Paulinho

Having just watched Germany exit the World Cup at the group stage for the first time in their storied history, perhaps Brazil were a little nervous heading into their final group match, against Serbia, in which they needed a draw to guarantee their spot in the last 16. After a bright start, however, the selecao seemed to lose their way. That was, at least, until the 35th minute, when Philippe Coutinho played a lovely ball over the top of the defense for Paulinho to poke home. Paulinho may or may not be a quote-unquote Barcelona player — although he can at least take some solace in the fact he’s literally a Barcelona player — but by goodness can the man make a run from deep. Buckle up, Barca fans. This is the future Johann Cruyff always imagined.

The Russia Award for Unexpectedly Exciting Teams: Switzerland

Switzerland aren’t renowned for their free-flowing, attacking soccer. They’re mostly known, at least as far as this tournament is concerned, as the answer to the trivia question, “What team did Spain lose to when they one the World Cup in 2010?” And so they seemed set for a very on-brand tournament after fouling Neymar 10 times in a 1-1 draw with Brazil in their opener. Then they became the first team to come from behind to win at this World Cup with a thrilling 2-1 victory against Serbia, which also left them embroiled in a political controversy arising from the controversial celebrations of Granit Xhaka and Xherdan Shaqiri. And they finished the group stage with a wild 2-2 draw against Costa Rica that was level at 1-1 in the 87th minute. Way to change the narrative, Switzerland.