On a scale of one to basketball: The Screenplay

FADE IN:

EXT. SUPERHERO SUPPORT AND PLACEMENT AGENCY – DAY

In a bay-area office park, a line of people flows out of a building. The camera follows along the queue to show that everyone is wearing basketball jerseys. The first guy is wearing a Marcin Gortat Suns jersey, the next guy has a Rajon Rondo Mavericks jersey, the next guy Roy Hibbert Lakers, and so on.

People in the line don’t seem bothered. They’re placid. This was to be expected.

Once the camera gets to the end of the line it pulls back to show a sign in front of the building saying “Superhero Support and Placement Agency.”

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. OFFICE OF SUPERHERO SUPPORT AND PLACEMENT AGENCY – OFFICE – DAY

Happy people in Warriors jerseys mingle about cubicles. High fives are had, water coolers are populated, and for some reason it’s pizza’s birthday so there’s pizza and cake. It looks like the set of Office Space, except replace all of the drab fatalism with high fives and Monster Energy Drinks. One man appears to breathe fire and lights the candles. It’s extremely cool. You are impressed.

The camera shimmies around to show the entrance of the building. The doors are open because it’s 72 degrees and sunny. There aren’t any bugs flying in, but if there were it would be on purpose. The line from earlier leads here. The receptionist (who is wearing a Rockets jersey) talks with some people.

INT. CONFERENCE ROOM – DAY

Two dudes meet to have a discussion. That’s what dudes do, I’m told.

On one side of the table is the interviewer ERR FRONT NUN. He is wearing an Andre Iguodala Warriors jersey and has a clipboard with some forms on it. The forms are made of paper.

On the other side is the interviewee CHIS TUSKS. Chis is wearing a Rip Hamilton Pistons jersey.

Chis is here to demonstrate his power.

CHIS
Okay, so… I don’t know if this is a thing you can help out with, but I can do something. I can take someone’s undershirt and flip it around so that if it was right-side around, it goes backwards. Or if it was backwards in the first place, it goes frontwards.

ERR
I see.

CHIS
Yeah. I understand if you’re not particularly impressed. I’m not trying to be a superhero. I’m just looking for direction.

ERR
Well, good. Your having a bit of perspective makes my job much easier.

CHIS
Right.

Err checks a few boxes here and there. There’s silence for a long six seconds. Maybe seven. Counting is frowned upon.

ERR
Well, let’s get a look at this power then, shall we?

Err turns on a radio transmitter in his tooth.

ERR
Martin? Denton? Come in.

Two extremely bro-ish bros wearing Nick Young Warriors jerseys walk through the door being all shove-y and such. I guess it’s playful. As they move past the camera, they appear to be tasing each other, but the taser is actually their fingers. They have the power of electrical manipulation. Whoa.

Unfortunately, they’re morons, and they use their power to zap each other back and forth. They say “Gotcha, bro” to each other each time this happens.

ERR
Boys. Boys. Please behave.

Martin and Denton focus on a cartoon depiction of a pizza on the opposite wall.

ERR
Alright, so Chis. Both Martin and Denton are wearing their most difficult undershirts. Show us what you can do.

Chis looks uncomfortable, but he stands up and twirls his finger in the air.

CHIS
Whoosh. Whoosh.

Martin and Denton make eye contact, laugh, then look down to see that their undershirts are on backwards.

Err walks up to Martin and then Denton. It’s true. The undershirts are now on backwards.

Martin and Denton find this to be inconvenient and are annoyed. They leave.

Chis and Err sit back down because I think they were standing before. I don’t remember. If they weren’t, pretend like they were.

ERR
So let me get a bit more detail. Is it just undershirts?

CHIS
That’s correct, yes.

ERR
So, pants or hats? Those are out of the question?

CHIS
Yes. It’s just undershirts.

ERR
Alright… what if someone isn’t wearing an undershirt? Just a shirt. Can you do anything about that?

CHIS
Not really. Well, possibly. I don’t know. Okay. I think I might be able to make people’s nipples switch places. I think I’ve done it. Unfortunately, people can’t really tell their nipples apart, so I’ve never been able to confirm.

ERR
We might as well give it a shot now. I’m not wearing an undershirt. I’ll mark my left nipple with a black marker. See if you can make them switch.

Err marks his left nipple with a black marker.

CHIS
Okay.

A few seconds pass.

ERR
Let me know when you’re done.

CHIS
Oh, my apologies. I was done a while ago.

ERR
Alright. Let’s take a look here.

Err looks into his shirt to see whether his nipples flipped. He thinks to himself that “flipple” would be a funny word.

ERR
Nope. The marker is still entirely on the left, except for the bit of ink that got on the inside of my jersey.

CHIS
This is why you should wear an undershirt.

Err elicits some combination of a laugh, cough, and scoff. It’s very confusing.

More silence follows. Err keeps checking boxes down one column, looking up at Chis every couple of seconds. Chis isn’t smiling, but he doesn’t seem upset.

ERR
Alright. Thank you once again for coming in today.

CHIS
No worries, mate.

ERR
Certainly not. We’re warriors, not worriers. Okay, so do you see that man over there?

Err motions toward a woman in a David West Warriors jersey sitting in an office twenty or so yards away. She’s eating a bag of chips, and seems generally pleased with her station in life.

ERR
She can bend ice. And over there?

Err gestures to a man next to a plant. The plant seems friendly. The man doesn’t. The man is wearing an Omri Casspi jersey.

ERR
That’s Korp. He can eat sound. Me? I can create pocket dimensions. Look.

Err draws a circle in the air in front of Chis’ face. The circle glows. Err drops a paper clip into it, and snaps his fingers. The glowing stops. The paper clip either disappeared or it didn’t. It’s extremely hard to say.

ERR
See? People in this office want to change the makeup of the world, and then the makeup of the world changes. All quite substantial. And you can flip people’s shirts.

Chis looks annoyed because he is, and oftentimes he chooses to use his face to express the emotions he’s feeling.

CHIS
Look, I said from the start I don’t think this makes me a superhero. I’m not trying to say that the thing I can do is impressive. I was just hoping someone here would have a perspective that could help me out. I can do something, right? Like, I can’t volcano a chair, but I can flip some shirts around.

ERR
You certainly can.

CHIS
Okay. So it’s not a superpower. It’s definitely not a superpower. But it’s a power.

ERR
Sure. Do you feel powerful?

CHIS
I really do not want to be mocked. This is not fun for me. If you think this is a joke, I’m just going to leave.

Chis begins to stand up. Err suddenly realizes that oh no it might be time to not be a jerk. He creates a dimension in which calmness happens, and then everyone settles down, and it’s good.

ERR
Okay, okay, I’m sorry. Okay. Nice. Pretty bird. Okay.

CHIS
Thank you. So, I’m just going to lay this out flat like a bunch of crackers. I am capable of doing something outside the normal realm of human possibility. Whether it by magic, or divine will, or some yet-to-be-understood theoretical physical quirk, I can rearrange the atomic structure of a portion of the universe. Unfortunately, it’s just exceedingly precise, and exceedingly useless. I can turn people’s shirts around.

ERR
I don’t disagree.

CHIS
And I can’t flip nips. We’ve confirmed that together.

ERR
Yep.

CHIS
Good. So let’s take away all this other stuff.

Chis begins gesturing toward the whole of the office space with his arms.

CHIS
All of that. The superteam of superheroes. Make them go away. All gone. Bye. Now you’re left with the people like me. There’s gotta be something for us, right?

ERR
Yes, you get what remains.

CHIS
No, I mean there’s a middle ground between having absolutely everything and not having absolutely everything, right? My buddy Lan can turn any TV on just by tapping his left ring finger against his right thumb. He can’t turn them off, but who cares about that.

No one cares about that.

ERR
So if I’m hearing you correctly, what you’re trying to say is that certain sorts of special can exist alongside an all-consuming greatness and not necessarily be a waste of time or a point of derision? And that these specials have stories that can be just as meaningful as a big parade and trophy?

The sharks in the aquarium across the street stop so they can hear what Chis says in response.

CHIS
Yes, but also no. So it goes, does it not? But I beg your apology for tarrying. What I meant to say was simply this:

The water cooler bubbles stop mid-gurgle. It’s that important.

CHIS
Rasheed Wallace was better than Michael Jordan.