*The King has been captured by Magic*
Big Baller Enterprises
Lakers Exceptionalism gathers around, having just witnessed the King’s press conference.
Hart: He really grows on you, doesn’t he?
Ingram: Magic really did it. So, now how do we play?
Deng: He’s bringing in army called Playoff DNA. They’re not from this world. I’m talking JaVale, Lance, Rondo, Beasley. Magic hopes they will win King another title. In return, I suspect, for starting roles.
Ingram: Veterans? Taking our spots?
Kuzma: So he’s trying to build another super team. That’s what he needs Magic for.
LaVar: Nah. Aint no body betta than what we got. I don’ care if he got Magic under a spell. These cats aint coming in here and taking my spot.
Hart: We shouldn’t worry about LeBron playing GM. Just got to do our job.
Lonzo: LeBron has made eight straight Finals appearances. During his first tenure in Cleveland, he had the front office trade for Wally Szczerbiak, Ben Wallace, Shaq, and Antawn Jamison. In Miami, he deliberately teamed with two All-Stars and then had the team sign Shane Battier, Ray Allen, Mike Bibby, Jerry Stackhouse, Zydrunas Ilgauskas, and Juwan Howard. Back in Cleveland, he shipped out Dion Waiters and Andrew Wiggins for Iman Shumpert, J.R. Smith, and Kevin Love. Plus, the Cavaliers signed Dwyane Wade, Jeff Green, and Derrick Rose. And are we forgetting about the Kyrie Irving trade that turned into Jordan Clarkson and Larry Nance Jr.?
Am I the only one that checked Wikipedia?
Ingram: How could they give all that power to one man?
Kuzma: No one man should have all that power. The clocks tickin’ I just count the hours.
Lonzo: Finally, someone who speaks my language.
Lonzo and Kuzma engage in a rap battle that goes on two bars too long. It ends with the two hugging. Deng walks out.
Hart: Guys, we need to focus on the problem.
Lonzo: You think we aren’t? Why did LeBron come here? And why are we all mentioned in trade rumors?
Ingram: You think LeBron is really going to have us all traded?
Lonzo: He’s a spy. Brandon, he’s a spy. His secrets have secrets.
Lonzo: He’s the only clean name in Lakers history. An all-time great that fears greatness? Historically, not possible.
Lonzo: LeBron is here to takedown Kobe’s legacy.
LaVar: LeBron is only here to stand around and look semi-pretty. He old. All them dudes old. They saw what we did last year. Undefeated when everyone was healthy. Un. Dee. Fee. Ted.
Hart: LaVar is right.
LaVar: Course I’m right. Why they gonna trade four for one? That’s posterous. Media actin’ like they gonna trade all you for Kawhi Leonard. Nonsense. Only fair trade involving you four is for them All-Stars in Golden State. And even then the Warriors would have to throw in multiple first-round picks.
This the greatest young talent ever assembled. Why else LeBron come here?
Ingram: I don’t know. Things aren’t exactly adding up.
LaVar: Aint no math in basketball. Don’t ya’ll worry ’bout Bron, Playoff DNA army from space, Luke Walton making poor decisions, fake trade news, or nuttin’. Things gonna be just fine long as LaVar is around.