What your summer basketball jersey says about you

Michael Jordan

There’s an unwritten rule of internet basketball that says Michael Jordan and LeBron James must receive equal treatment in written pieces such as this. If LeBron was to get his own complete category and Jordan did not all hell would break loose.

Also, Jordan deserves his own category. He’s his own brand.

Chicago Bulls (23): This is the “meat and potatoes” of NBA jerseys. The “default create a player” mode for Coachella: The Video Game. It’s the most obvious choice, but that doesn’t exactly make it a bad one. The classics are the classics for a reason, and this one is about as classic as it gets. But still, you could have tried a little harder. This choice basically tells the world “I wanted to wear a basketball jersey.”

Chicago Bulls (45): This jersey sends a definite message that you think outside the box…just not that far outside the box. You’re thinking about the lid of the box, or right next to the box, or about a different but otherwise exactly the same box. In improv comedy terms the Jordan 45 would be “going from A to B” but not taking the next step to get to “C.”

North Carolina: You’re going to tell everybody at this music festival that you liked all these bands before they were popular, but you really found out about them through the same mega-popular website that everybody else here did.

Washington Wizards: This is not a particularly pretty jersey, and it doesn’t quite conjure up the image of a peak Michael Jordan. It’s a strange choice and gives off a little bit of a “desperate for attention” vibe. It’s not quite weird enough to be a strange, funny choice, but also not normal enough to go unnoticed. You’re in a weird middle ground. An uncanny valley of jersey-wearing that’s just going to make everybody uncomfortable.

Washington Bullets: This choice tells the world you know what’s up. You put a little bit of time and effort into your jersey of choice to find a beautiful combination of great player, offbeat team, throwback style, and it factor. You’re a problem solver. You can be trusted to solve a difficult problem with a strong yet creative solution. Congratulations.