Ice-Cold Takes is a weekly humor column covering what is trending around the NHL. This week, we look at a fit old man, bad training practices and a new way to get lost in a corn field.
Kids are heading back to school, fantasy draft dates are being set and the smell of pumpkin spice fills the air. We’re getting closer to NHL hockey.
With just over a month to go, hockey talk is heating up. Players are getting back in shape and talks about next season are heating up (some of which are pretty damn stupid).
As NHL fans, we’re all at the point where we start convincing ourselves what the best case scenario for our respective teams is. For most, it’s a Stanley Cup. “We’re going to win it this year, I just know it!” For fans of the bottom 10 teams, it’s an amazing prospect pool. “We’ve got 2020-2025 basically locked up!”
For everyone, it’s usually false hope.
Trending Up
1. Zdeno Chara
The last time you climbed up a rope was probably in gym class. If you’re under 30, you have probably never even attempted this because I don’t think anyone does this in gym class anymore. It’s all about the dreaded “beep test” now.
Still. Climbing up a rope, especially one this high, is a difficult task. 41-year-old possible robot Zdeno Chara makes it look like a walk in the park.
https://www.instagram.com/p/Bm_omeaBAM1/
Chara is known as one of the fittest guys in the league. He took only three days off before getting back into the gym after the 2017-18 season ended. To be training like this at 41, though, is pretty wild.
The hardest part about these ropes isn’t going up, it’s coming back down. Your hands are torn to shreds from the rope as you lower yourself down. Your tired arms want to let go but you can’t just drop because you’ll break your ankles. Not fun.
Next time you’re at your local crossfit gym, give this a shot so you can truly appreciate big Z here.
2. The Charlotte Checkers
Checking in with our favorite AHL team, the Charlotte Checkers, who have just released their promotional schedule for the 2018-19 season. Here are the games I have circled but unfortunately will not attend as I live about 14 hours away.
Jan. 11 vs. Wilkes-Barre/Scranton – The Office night.
Feb. 1 vs. Providence – Harry Potter night.
Mar. 15 vs. Rochester – Beach ball night. (I wonder what will happen on beach ball night…)
Every Wednesday home game – Dollar beer nights.
Here’s the full promotional schedule for the team, if you live in the area. More of this sort of thing in the NHL please! No one actually wants bobble heads or t-shirts. We want dollar beers at stadiums and a reason to wear our jerseys over wizard outfits.
3. Momma Backstrom
Nicklas Backstrom’s mom is way cooler than your mom (unless your mom is Jennifer Lopez because she is a national treasure and absolutely stunning/shredded).
Looks son, no hands! That’s it. It’s all over! Until someone’s grandmother wants to do a Cup stand, the Cup stand has officially been retired.
Trending Down
1. Old school corn mazes
With fall on the horizon, corn mazes start popping up as a way for farmers to make a few extra bucks after harvest (that sounds right, let’s go with it). A public service announcement to regular farmers who run regular corn mazes: The game has changed.
https://www.instagram.com/p/BnCzPjphBuq/
First, that Winnipeg maze looks like a legitimate nightmare. It’s massive, there are no patterns, some of the lines make no sense and your chances of getting out are about as good as you chances of handling Dustin Byfuglien in a post-whistle scrum.
Imagine being in a coma since 2005 and waking up to see a picture of this maze. “What the hell is this? Winnipeg has a team? Why is there a pound sign before WPG Whiteout?” Even worse, imagine waking up from a coma in the middle of this maze? Just put me back to sleep. This maze is far too complex and difficult for me.
The Caps maze is phenomenal. The lines are perfect, the maze makes sense and the Cup looks gorgeous. Caps fans are soaking in every second of this Cup victory, as they should, seeing as the team isn’t going to win again for another 100 years.
How did they cut the stars so perfectly?
2. Jacob de la Rose
If there was a metaphor for the Montreal Canadiens lately, this would be it.
https://www.instagram.com/p/BnB1wyCFgeY/
Ouch. Here’s a lesson for all the kids out there. Make sure that elastic band is tightly secured before you start your skating drills, they can be a real pain in the butt.
3. Mikhail Sergachev
Sergachev’s training regimen is as bad-ass as the Rocky training montages and there’s not much of a negative to the exercise itself. The problem here is that he chose a very busy hill to do it on, forcing everyone around him to move out of his way.
Again, the style of training is great. He looks like a beast here and it’s awesome. The problem is that he’s leaving a cloud of dust in his wake and these poor pedestrians are walking up and down the uneven grass on the sides of the trail.
The world has no shortage of hills, Mikhail. Did you really have to pick this one? Given that he doesn’t live in Saskatchewan or Manitoba, I bet there are at least five less-busy hills within a mile of your location. Were you forced to use the busiest one? Probably not.
Aside from an abundance of hills on the planet, Sergachev also has access to just about any world-class training facility he wants. Social awareness, Serg. Look it up.
NHL talks are sure to heat up in the coming weeks and I’ll be here to cover anything and everything that falls through the cracks of the important stuff. Enjoy your pumpkin spice lattes, everyone. #WinterIsComing
Keep your head up.