Ice-Cold Takes is a weekly humor column covering what is trending around the NHL. This week, we prep you (and your bank account) for the upcoming NHL season by providing you with fool-proof betting strategies.
First, let’s cover the busy week in NHL news. As we get closer and closer to the season, the league hits us with more and more breaking news. None more terrifying and awesome than the arrival of Gritty, the new Philadelphia Flyers mascot.
FanSided NHL has covered Gritty extensively, so catch up on all your Philly mascot news here and here. The site covers more than Gritty as well, obviously, but it’s safe to say we have a bit of an obsession.
The biggest news out of the NHL this week is not good news. Two pretty catastrophic knee injuries took place recently, to Seth Jones of the Columbus Blue Jackets and Corey Perry of the Anaheim Ducks. Let’s hope for a quick recovery in both cases.
With that covered, we dive into the betting preview. Sound the horn, Ryan!
Ice-Cold Takes betting preview
The Ice-Cold Takes NHL betting preview is the first of two featured previews. Next week we will preview the season, with incredibly accurate division standings backed by advanced analytics and science.
What would you do if I told you I could provide you with free money? To quote trustworthy temp Ryan Howard from The Office, would you rather have $50 now, or $5,000 a year from now? Well, I don’t have an algorithm that predicts the outcome of hockey games, but my super advanced genius brain is the next best thing.
To those of you who have been reading this column since it’s inception last March (Shout out to Mom, Dad and my editors), you will remember the betting section that was included during the season. This will be returning as the season starts in a couple of weeks.
Today, we’ll provide a preview with some general degenerate tips for your guaranteed success this season. I know that last year was a little rough, but the past is in the past and our bank accounts have recovered since then.
Disclaimer: If you choose to gamble on hockey games, please do so responsibly. Taking anything in this column seriously will likely lose you money. It might also make you wildly rich, but realistically, it will probably lose you money.
If you want some legitimate gambling advice, follow the new @FanSidedBets account on Twitter.
Here are four tips for guaranteed success. Let’s make some money!
1. Bet any and all futures immediately
The best thing about the weeks leading into the NHL hockey season is the building excitement that comes from reading everything you can find about your team. In doing so, you already know your team is winning the Cup and your favorite player is winning the Hart Trophy.
Brad Marchand is going to win the 2019 Hart Trophy. Bet on him now, before the line starts to inevitably move. Marchand sits at +2,800, which is a great value for someone who was as good as last year’s winner, Taylor Hall, last season.
Here’s me telling you about Marchand and you not listening:
Better yet, Marchand’s 22-year-old phenom line-mate David Pastrnak is +10,000 to win the award. Hedge your Marchand bet with a Pastrnak bet and you’re basically guaranteed a win.
On that note, Pastrnak has been 22 for five years now. It feels as though Google forgets to update his age each time I double-check my “23-year-old” or “24-year-old” guesses about Pasta. HOW IS HE ONLY 22?
In 2015, The Hockey News predicted that the Winnipeg Jets would be the 2019 Stanley Cup champions. This is well before Patrik Laine was in the system. This is going to happen, make your bet now.
At +1200, it’s basically free money. The Jets were a few games away from the Cup final last season and everyone on the team is back and better than last season. Sure, the Stanley Cup is the most difficult trophy to win in all of sports, but a hockey writer called this in 2015. Who are we to mess with fate?
2. When two non-Vezina caliber goalies face off, bet the over
It’s simple physics. If two goalies that have not been in the Vezina Trophy conversation meet up, it’s going to be a high scoring game. People love offense. The league wants more goals. Players are more skilled than ever. If Edmonton is involved, bet the over every time.
If two Vezina goalies are playing each other, you bet the under. The only problem with this strategy is if the team has a good goalie but doesn’t have the offense capable of scoring any goals. Looking at you, Montreal.
The above link now needs to be updated with Gritty at number 1.
3. Diversify your portfolio
Smart finance people on commercials always say this. Listen to them and diversify your betting portfolio. That way when you lose all your money listening to this garbage advice, you can win it back in other ways!
You can bet on just about anything these days. Last year, I won back all of the money I lost betting on Olympic curling on a last-ditch desperation bet on the NBA celebrity all-star game (Thanks, MVP Quavo).
Sure, there are lessons to be learned here, but there’s really no need to learn them as long as you’re winning, right? Diversify your portfolio, bet on random entertainment props, win back more than you lost. It’s so simple!
Disclaimer: This is wildly inaccurate and stupid, please don’t do this.
Game of Thrones‘ Arya Stark is still +4,000 to end up on the throne…
When the season starts, we’ll provide you with a lock and an upset each week. This was a big part of the column last season, however I wasn’t often taking my own advice. This season will be different, as there will be actual money on the line (until I run out and/or my wife threatens divorce).
A message to you, the modern bettor, in advance: You’re welcome. Brunch at the country club is on you when we all live in whichever gated village is the most expensive.
Until next week, Keep your head up!
Odds provided by Oddsshark.