Corbin Explains: The Lakers might not work

You are presuming that the Lakers will make the playoffs, and as I sit around and think REALLY HARD about it, I usually find myself agreeing with you. I mean, what are you supposed to do, LeBron is the best player since Jordan, the young players look alright, the organization has the resources and the wherewithal to make any deal they might need to get making mid-season.

But there’s… something about this that gives me doubt, somewhere in the deepest chambers of my heart of hearts. Certainly, LeBron is amazing. But every other acquisition the Lakers made this summer, presumably with an eye towards being a series competitive team, was troubling.

Like, Rondo. Yeah, sure he’s been good before, but the NBA passed his non-shooting self like, mid-career. He is creative and smart, but also just impossibly weird, a  dude who tends to play at his own pace, which is honestly not some s**t you can do when LeBron is on your team. Also: kinda old!

Lance Stephenson, in addition to having been an abusive partner, has tended to swing back and forth on if he is a contributing member of a team year to year. He is an x-factor on the court, but it’s important to remember that variables can be negative numbers, you know?

And then the acquisitions get truly bizarre. What the hell is Michael Beasley doing, here? Shouldn’t he be getting buckets in China, or some other oddball place where he can just be himself? JaVale has his merits, I suppose — he’s impossibly fun to watch, and he played a role on some tremendously successful Warriors teams but also, I’ve seen that dude blow some rotations in ways that melt the mind.

Imagine this lineup: Rondo, Lance, LeBron, Beasley, Javale. That could happen! It probably WILL happen! Try to imagine this operating. Rondo brings the ball up, but then what happens? If he tries to run the offense, LeBron will just be standing there waiting for a pass or cutting baseline. And if BRON runs the offense, then, Rondo’s open behind the line, let’s ignore him and double on the Nightmare-Tank-Beast-Man who haunts our dreams and hassles us into early graves.

Lance could ball handle, but, like, he probably shouldn’t, considering the other options. Not to mention, that dude is “bad shooting year” manifest into a human being. Beasley COULD be a spot up option, I suppose, but a mediocre one, and you REALLY think my man isn’t taking two dribbles in and hoisting if someone closes out on him?

Then, the last dude is JaVale. His exploits are well known to you.

This is all to say, that if the idea is LeBron and Every Insanely Unreliable Veteran Available on the Market, I really think that could end up being a s****y idea.

But, in fairness, that isn’t the idea! There are some young dudes on the team, London, Ingram, Kuzma, who project well and seem like they could be contributors this year, the dude who flank Bron and make sure none of the lunatics they signed get too much playing time.

BUT! The only thing more unpredictable on an NBA than a cadre of notably unpredictable NBA veterans is any cadre of any young NBA Players. Truly, who the heck knows what is gonna happen with these dudes when the pressure of playing with LeBron manifests on their hearts. Certainly, they could be immaculately disciplined and under the shepherding hand of Luke Walton, perfect basketbots ready to listen to daddy tell them how to win. But it’s just as likely that the stress of performing night after night will get to them and make this a hard year. And if that happens, they’ll get benched, because the team thinks they have to win, and their minutes will go to THE PEOPLE WHOSE MALFEASANCE WE HAVE ALREADY DISCUSSED and the Lakers will maybe spend the year slowly bleeding out and scraping together the 10th seed in a conference LeBron has never played in before.

I truly don’t know why, but it seems like people are filling in the Xs on this squad with tens just because Bron told them to.