Ice Cold Takes: We’re all here for the Brian Boyle movie

Ice Cold Takes is an NHL humor column covering what is trending around the NHL. The official column of the Ottawa Senators: Everything is going wrong and no one has been paying attention for weeks.

NHL hockey is a cruel beast. It’s still early in the 2018-19 season but we’re already getting as much drama as the NBA had in, say, 2012 (it’s a full-blown reality show now). Players being filmed in Ubers, headshots, fines, suspensions and early season high-level firings.

Joel Quenneville, the second winningest coach in NHL history was let go by the Chicago Blackhawks on Monday. Now, we all get to watch teams panic as they try to find out a way to get to him first.

Put it this way, the hottest person in your high school just broke it off with their girl/boyfriend. Now is your chance. What do you do? At least half of the general managers in the NHL are trying to find a way to break up with their coaches immediately for a chance to be with Q.

Philadelphia Flyers GM Ron Hextall is on the phone with coach Hakstol like: “Look, Dave. You know I’ll always love you, right? It’s not you, it’s me. I’m just going through some stuff right now and I think it’s best I deal with it alone. Don’t think of it as a break-up, I just think we need a break, okay?”

All the while, he’s been texting winky-face emojis to Joel Quenneville. “Joel, you’re so silly! 😉 So I don’t know if you’ve heard, but Dave and I aren’t together anymore 😛 what are you doing tonight? Wanna come over? Coach against the Coyotes and chill?”

And just like that we’re off the rails. Let’s right the ship and kick off this column with something amazing.

Trending Up

1. Brian Boyle 

This was incredible. Brian Boyle of the New Jersey Devils has had a hell of a time these last couple years. In case you don’t know the story, he was diagnosed with chronic myeloid leukemia in 2017. In October of this year, he announced that his cancer was in remission. On November 5th, “Hockey Fights Cancer” night in Pittsburgh, he did this:

You just can’t make these things up. This is the plot of a great movie unfolding before our eyes. A truly incredible sports moment and a moment that Brian, his teammates, the NHL and the sports world will never forget.

2. Rec league hockey

Chances are if you play rec hockey, your “season” is now underway. With that, comes all of the drama and chaos associated with rec league hockey. TV’s hottest new reality show captures is all.

“I’ll take all the clear tape! I want it all!” What an animal! The best part about this was definitely the excessive use of the surprised look/sound effect.

On this note, seeing as you’re on the ice regularly, it’s time to show off your stick handling skills. Check out this future NHL all-star working on his greasy dangles.

https://www.instagram.com/p/Bp0G3CEB_DT/

Here’s Kane’s stick work for comparative purposes. I’d say both videos are relatively the same. Props to the zamboni driver in the video who patiently puts his job on hold while these idiots are filming.

3. Jalen Ramsey 

Talk is cheap. Thankfully, Jalen Ramsey is about that action. The NHL prospect spent his NFL bye week away from the Jacksonville Jaguars (probably a blessing for him) up in Nashville, training to become an NHL superstar.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BpvtR8hB_fV/

In case you forgot, Ramsey was the NFL player who said he could make the NHL in six months time, even though he doesn’t know how to skate. If this is one day, I’m liking his chances. He has the timing of his shot down already and looks like he’s going to be setting up an office in the same area as Patrik Laine.

Get to work on those celebrations, Jalen.

Trending Down

1. Dipping your chicken tenders in soda

Trigger warning: What you are about to see may be upsetting to some. This next clip features graphic content that cannot be unseen. Continue at your own risk. You’ve been warned.

https://www.instagram.com/p/Bp3H6QlhdUY/

Shawn Mendes’ “There’s Nothing Holding me Back” played in the background as this crazy person dipped her chicken tenders in some kind of soda. Why did she start doing this?! Why isn’t someone holding her back?

Update: After some research, this lady is trying to turn her strange habit into internet fame. This shouldn’t be surprising in 2018 and I would completely erase the story if it weren’t for the point I’m about to make.

Here’s a take for you: Dipping chicken into soft drinks makes more sense than putting mustard on anything. Who the hell is keeping mustard in business? There’s probably a group of people reading this thinking I’m insane. Listen to me. If you like mustard, you hate food.

Mustard is overpowering. It takes over every other taste in anything it’s added to. It tastes terrible, and if you put it on anything, it’s because you don’t like the thing you are putting it on.

Some dressings add to a dish, but some, like mustard or soda, mask bad food or horrible taste (in this case, for both food and/or life decisions).

2. Uber

If you haven’t yet seen the leaked Senators Uber video, it’s covered in detail here. Long story short, seven Ottawa Senators players were in an Uber, trashing their team and assistant coach. They didn’t know they were being filmed and the driver leaked the tape, presumably for money.

No one is ever going to talk in an Uber again. Enjoy your silent Uber rides, drivers, because your mans here just sold you all out. You know what they say: “Snitches get silent passengers and slightly lower Uber ratings.” Hopefully they didn’t give him a big tip.

If I were a taxi driver, I’d be all over this. I’d put signs in the window saying “won’t sell you out to the media” or “safe space to bitch about your boss.” Although, that might look more suspicious than not having anything.

Regardless of what was said and how the players acted, the Uber driver is the worst person in this ordeal. Anyone who would sell footage of others in a candid conversation to make a quick buck is not a very good person (unless the conversation is about something illegal or wrong, obviously).

Ex-NHL star Anson Carter went through a similar scenario a few years back, in which him seeing a hairdresser was mistaken by a driver for him flying in a lady-friend on the team’s dime. The lesson here is to always assume you are being watched, never talk, move about in silence and don’t trust anyone.

Remember when “uber” was just an annoying word that people used as a synonym for “very.” Using “uber” back in the day didn’t get you sold out to your team. It only meant you were a nerd. Simpler times.

3. Colton Sissons and other “actors”

As usual, the ever-so-underappreciated Brad Marchand is out there doing the Lord’s work. In the Bruins recent game against the Predators, Marchand took exception to Colton Sissons’ acting ability, then let everyone know exactly what he thought about it.

Boom, roasted! Take that, Colton! Brad Marchand would never be caught diving like this and he’s the type of world-class talent we should all look up to. Let’s keep this diving in the NBA, not hockey. Well done, Brad. Keep setting an example.

…Yes, I’m serious, why do you ask?

Betting with Bruin (2-6)

My plan worked last week and we got another point in the win column. Consider the betting back on track. Here is your guaranteed free money for tonight’s games.

Lock: Philly (-145) over Arizona – Poor Coyotes were looking so damn good for a hot minute there before goaltender Antti Raanta hit the IR with a “lower body injury.” Hopefully it’s a quick healing process for Raanta, but given hockey’s injury designations, “lower body injury” could mean a week or it could mean three years.

Upset: Ottawa (+127) over Vegas – If there was ever a week in which every Sens player was paying full attention in practice, this is it. Side note: It’s a good time to be a Lyft driver in Ottawa.

Keep your head up.

Odds presented by Oddsshark.