Ice Cold Takes: Beat it Santa Claus, Gritty is here and GRITmas is taking over!

Ice Cold Takes is a weekly humor column covering what is trending around the NHL. ICT includes a side of Phil Kessel and a dash of Gritty with every order.

It’s been a whole two weeks since we talked about either Phil Kessel or Gritty, the only NHL mascot to be charged with assault in his first month with the league. Obviously, we’re going to cover our founding fathers in today’s article.

First, there is some important NHL news to get through. The NHL inducted five all-time hockey greats into the Hockey Hall of Fame this week, and one that probably should have happened 10 or 20 years from now.

Congratulations to 2018 Hockey Hall of Fame inductees Willie O’Ree, Martin St. Louis, Marty Brodeur, Alexander Yakushev, Jayna Hefford and “Scary” Gary Bettman. I know they are all avid Ice Cold Takes readers and they will definitely see this.

Bettman was not only a surprise inductee, but he is also a surprise upward trend for the first (and only) time in Ice Cold Takes history. Let’s start there.

Trending Up

Gary Bettman

Full disclosure, Gary Bettman should never be in the “trending up” category. He’s hockey Satan in human form. That being said, this quote was actually kind of funny and his self-awareness is becoming somewhat charming.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BqGn4QWhtZ_/

Full apologies for giving Gary love, but I’m not completely hating this new, funny Gary. Self-deprecating humor is always a win so props to him on that quote. That being said, I highly doubt he’d be “going into corners,” given the lack of seriousness the NHL has been dealing with concussions under his tenure.

Phil “The Thrill” Kessel

How hasn’t this been done sooner? Some genius and devoted fan of everything awesome went out and got a Phil “the Thrill” Kessel tattoo on their leg. Whoever this is, they are living a better life than the rest of us.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BVnojqZhdDI/

There are only a handful of players in the NHL that are tattoo worthy: The Thrill, a caricature of Brad Marchand, Alex Ovechkin and maybe one or two others. Phil easily tops the list. Show this at your next job interview if you want to lock in the position before even saying a word.

“Mr. Jones, it says on your resume that you’ve spent the last six years selling drugs in an alley, what makes you think you can become a doctor?” BOOM! Show the Phil tattoo. “When can you start, Dr. Jones!”

Frank J Selke – Certified “ass. man.”

Assistant (to the) general manager, obviously. What did you think I meant? NHL, please bring back this wonderful abbreviation for all future Stanley Cup trophy engravings.

Trending Down

Christmas

What?! How could Christmas be trending down? It is the most wonderful time of the year?

Christmas is so 2017. Hit the bench, Santa, because you’re about to be replaced by a newer, better, grittier gift-giver. Welcome to GRITmas.

https://www.instagram.com/p/Bp8cS7XBIQq/

That’s right! Santa is out, Gritty is in. Sleep with one eye open, children, because instead of sneaking down your chimney and placing gifts under the tree, Gritty is going to kick down your front door at 2:00 a.m. and try to fight you.

It was the night before GRITmas, when all through Philly,
All the locals were stirring, drinking themselves silly. 
The fridge was stocked full of ice-cold beer,
In hopes that St. Gritty would soon be here. 
The children stayed awake, way later than they should,
Watching Gritty stumble through the neighborhood.
With a sack full of empties and exemplifying “grit,” 
Partying with the faithful and eating horse shi…

Philly gets it. No need to go on.

GRITmas isn’t about nice presents and things you want. It’s about getting down in the dirt and working hard. Then taking the world by storm and using your new-found fame to wreak havoc on the NHL. GRITmas is a work hard, play hard holiday.

Kids don’t get presents on GRITmas. They get a cold beer and a pair of boxing gloves. Strap those babies on and fight your siblings! The winners get a warm dinner, the losers go to bed hungry! DEAL WITH IT, IT’S GRITMAS!

(For legal purposes, assume the “kids” noted above are over the required drinking age in your respective country. Please do not practice GRITmas at home)

William Nylander 

Toronto media’s obsession with Nylander has gone on too long. Instead of hearing about all of the incredible things going on in the NHL, Canadians are forced to hear about Nylander scenarios, situations, potential trades and YMCA’s he’s working out in. He has become the Le’Veon Bell of the NHL (kind of).

Enough already. Put this poor kid out of his misery (figuratively). Willy, you aren’t going to get 8 million with David Pastrnak lighting up the league for six and a half. Kyle Dubas, you probably aren’t going to sign Willy. Just trade him and end this nightmare.

Betting with Bruin (3-7)

The NHL is hard to bet on, right? Maybe not for actually informed bettors. Here are a couple of sure locks for tonight’s slate.

Upset: Maple Leafs (+120) to beat Sharks – It isn’t often you get to pick the Maple Leafs for an upset these days, even if only by a slight margin. You know what they say, offense wins regular season out-of-conference games.

Lock: Islanders (-130) to beat Rangers – The battle of New York! The Rangers have won six of their last seven games, but the Islanders are doing things like this:

Keep your head up.

Odds presented by Oddsshark.