Ice Cold Takes is a weekly NHL humor column that is just about done ever hearing the names “William” and “Nylander” ever again.
After this column, William Nylander will never be mentioned in ICT again. William, we’re not on a break, we’re done. Canadian NHL media has been treating Nylander like the next Wayne Gretzky and the attention and focus on this slightly-above-average player is sickening.
Other things are happening around the league. PSA to the folks at TSN (Canadian ESPN): We don’t need a full-on announcement from all social media platforms that Nylander hit the ice for his first practice. That’s a text-only tweet at best.
Seriously. You’re feeding a fed horse here and it’s distracting us from the true stories around the NHL. To help the Canadian media, Ice Cold Takes has developed a PETA-like “Anti-Maple Leafs” conversation chart for the ethical treatment of hockey fans. Here’s the original, followed by the Leafs equivalent.
Instead of: Auston Matthews is the GOAT.
Say: Patrik Laine scored another hattrick!
Instead of: Mitch Marner is a surefire hall-of-famer!
Say: Mikko Rantanen might win the Hart Trophy this year.
Instead of: Willy Nylander is skating on the top line in practice!
Say: I wonder who Seattle will score in the expansion draft.
Instead of: UHHH something something John Tavares UHHH.
Say: How good does Jeff Skinner look in Buffalo? He was a steal!
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1. Teddy Bears
Normally, a barrage of flying bears would be a horrible, terrifying thing to see. In the case of the Hershey Bears annual toy drive though, the more the merrier.
https://www.instagram.com/p/Bq55w77BZsU/
Hershey really took the flower by the thorns for their toy drive this year, smashing the world record for bears thrown on the ice with a whopping total of 34,798. Imagine counting these? There were more bears on the ice in Hershey that night than there are bears on the ice in the world.
Seriously. There are only 20,000 to 25,000 polar bears on Earth. This column has taken a sad turn so let’s get back to hockey.
2. Rink-side hot tubbin’
This is either the greatest hot tub promotion of all time or this kid’s dad owns the rink that the local Junior A team plays at. Either way, add this to your bucket list: Watching a hockey game rink-side in a hot tub.
This is equal parts shocking and incredible. Shocking that it hasn’t been going on for years and incredible because we’re about to see so much more of these set ups. How long before the Arizona Coyotes mimic their baseball counterpart and set one of these up in the arena? A week? A month? They Coyotes would be a good test tube for this type of thing.
3. Michael Grabner: Hockey guy
I scrolled by this initially thinking it was a character from Red Dead Redemption II that got beat up in a good old fashioned Western bar fight. Nope. This is Arizona Coyotes forward Michael Grabner after taking a stick to the face in a game last week.
Grabner signed a three year $10 million deal with the Coyotes in the offseason, so it’s fair to say he’s bringing home the bagels. He has six goals and five assists through 25 games in this, his 11th season. Let’s hope he can play with one eye.
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1. Wayne Gretzky
Wayne may have all of the NHL records in the world but there’s one thing we can all do better than him: Text. This is hardly a slant to Wayne, who is even more likeable now that he probably reminds you of your dad.
2. Mascots
Ice Cold Takes is a pro-mascot column. Gritty alone has provided half of the content for this column since his emergence (birth?) in September. Every other mascot, though, needs to step up their game.
Covering the same mascot for an entire season is redundant. Other fanbases are probably upset at the amount of Gritty coverage in this column (and everywhere else) but there’s something everyone can do about it. Tweet your mascot and tell him or her to be better.
Ice Cold Takes would ideally feature all cool mascot things, but the problem right now is that they are all coming from the same mascot. It would be inconsistent with the brand to ignore something like this…
…or this…
…just because it’s Gritty. Call me the Toronto media of mascots, I don’t care. Until your local NHL mascot steals an over-sized novelty check from charity, don’t @ me. Gritty is king.
3. Ice Cold Takes
My own mother, a rabid Winnipeg Jets fan, scolded me on Facebook for brushing over the coolest NHL story last week. Patrik Laine scored five goals and won a million dollars for a random Winnipeg resident.
Winnipeg, Edmonton and Vancouver all run a contest through Safeway (grocery store in Western Canada) in which a random name is drawn at the start of each game. If one of the players from the home team scores five goals during the game, that person wins just over $1 million. The full story can be found here.
There’s a good chance this won’t be the last time Laine wins a cool milli for a Winnipeg fan, but it is the last time ICT will let it go unnoticed for some trash Toronto coverage. Laine > Matthews. Goals win games. Goals also win millions.
Sorry, mom.
Betting with Bruin (6-10)
1-1 last week but the Edmonton game was later so we’re officially on a win streak! Let’s keep it rolling this week with a couple of bets that are sure to hit. Reassuring fun fact: I’ve never lost an NHL bet on December 6th, 2018.
Lock: Toronto vs. Detroit OVER 6.5 goals (-125). The Red Wings have scored at least four in four of their last five games. No need to look into any details on that, just go with it. Oh, and the Leafs are the Leafs, so… offense.
Upset: Boston (+150) to beat Tampa Bay – They aren’t playing their best hockey but you best believe they also aren’t forgetting who outed them from the playoffs last season.
If you’re really smart, you’ll parlay these two bets and win even more money. Feed two birds with one scone.
Keep your head up.
Odds presented by Oddsshark.