Ice Cold Takes Special Edition: It’s all about the goalies

Ice Cold Takes is a weekly humor column about what is trending in the NHL. The official column of the weirdest human beings on Earth – goalies.

There’s a conversation that no parent really wants to have with their child. It’s uncomfortable and most parents avoid it as long as they possibly can. The fear that one day, their sweet, innocent child will come up to them and say “Mom, dad… I want to be a goalie.”

There goes your retirement. Not only is goalie equipment extremely expensive, you might as well kiss any free space you had in your basement or garage goodbye. Money and space aren’t the only problems. At worst, you are consoling your child after they get blamed for every loss. At best, you are watching your loved one take 100 mph slap shots to the face 30 times a night in the NHL.

This one is for you, goalies. You and everyone in your life that has to go through the emotional ringer because of your strange obsession with both physical and mental pain.

Trending Up

Pulling your goalie

Some of the wildest things that can happen in a hockey game happens when a goalie gets pulled. Whether that is a last-minute game-tying goal, TWO last-minute game tying goals, the empty net goal that hits the over for you or a potential once-in-a-lifetime goalie goal, every possibility gives you a tingle of excitement.

Pulling the goalie usually happens in the last two minutes or so of the game. In case you stumbled into this column accidentally, pulling the goalie allows the team to put another skater on the ice, creating a six on five situation, which allows them to control the puck in the opposing teams end and potentially score a goal. Occasionally, if teams are down a few goals, they will pull the goalie early. Never this early:

What the hell is going on here, Cornell? You’re an Ivy League school, right? Is there something you smart people aren’t telling the rest of us? Three minutes into the first and you pulled your goalie? What happened?

After diving into this, it was a delayed penalty call and Penn State Hockey’s Twitter account probably should have mentioned that. Context is important, sometimes. The Penn State Women’s Hockey Twitter account is a fun follow, though. Check this out:

What was that? Are they dusting her? Is her nickname Dusty? Am I missing something new in hockey lingo? Whatever the case, Penn State is our new favorite women’s hockey team.

Tuukka Rask 

A visual representation of Rask haters every January would be the Simpsons meme where homer slowly backs into the bushes. Rask gets peppered with more criticism than he sees shots on the ice all through October, November and December until he turns it on in January and everything starts to go quiet.

After recording a shut out last night, 2019 is off to a ridiculous start. Rask’s save percentage in 2019 is currently .972. While that isn’t sustainable, it’s once again put him back atop the all-time NHL save percentage leader board, tied with Dominik Hasek at a .922 career save percentage.

https://twitter.com/NHLBruins/status/1082830588267163648

Say what you will about Rask, but he does this every season. He starts average, the Bruins play their very good, very qualified back up a ton, then he turns it on for the back half of the season. At 31 years old, he’s in goalie prime and isn’t making the mistakes that earned him that “he’s not clutch” badge early on in his career.

With Jaro Halak still playing at a starting goalie caliber level, the Bruins are once again set up to grab a loaner player at the deadline to boost secondary scoring and make a deep playoff push. It almost worked with Rick Nash last season. It’s going to work with whoever they pick up this season.

The point is, Rask is great. Next.

Field hockey pads

Goalie Twitter is a strange place. It’s about 75% “fans” destroying their team’s goaltender, 20% incredible saves and 5% of what can only be classified as “huh?” This clip of a field hockey goalie practicing falls in that category.

Can we do this in the NHL? Let’s replace NHL blockers with these hulk hands. There’s a hole for the stick and everything. Second, now that there’s no need for a blocker on the stick hand, might as well move it to the glove side! And add a little target for fun.

Rebound control is now paramount because goalies won’t have gloves, the NHL is happy because more offense equals more money and the league also draws in more casual fans because goalies look like crabs now.

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Gritty hates goalies 

You best believe Gritty set the new bar for NHL mascots, which means any new mascot coming into the league has to be at least as crazy as Gritty is. As a member of the Philadelphia Flyers organization, it’s no surprise that Gritty hates goalies.

This is Christmas Gritty! Imagine how he acts when it isn’t the holidays. It’s no wonder the Flyers are dressing their seventh goaltender of the season this week. They are on pace to use more goaltenders this season than most franchises see in 20 years. Not good, Philly. At least you still have the Eagles.

Goalie shoot outs 

NHL goalies are great. They are incredible athletes with the precise timing of a jungle cat and the flexibility of some type of animal that is very flexible. But when it comes to regular hockey maneuvers, they don’t look very athletic. Cut to what I look like in a shootout:

Hey, at least he scores the goal, right? It’s not about how you get there, it’s about scoring the goal. Or something like that. I’m paraphrasing that quote.

Carter Hutton has been a big part of why the Sabres have been successful this season. He finished last season red-hot for the Blues and he’s continued that success with this rejuvenated Buffalo Sabres squad. His 2.63 GAA isn’t incredible, but it’s enough to have the Sabres currently in the playoff picture. They won’t be looking to him for any shoot out advice, though.

Caring

We’re so done with this goalie stuff…

https://www.instagram.com/p/BsBn3WgA3vGprWgerhxql5XoqgQZ3v9hmscJw40/

The betting section will be put on hold until later in the season due to the NFL playoffs currently holding all of my future winnings. If you aren’t betting on the NFL this month, you should be. Take everything you have, your savings, 401k, take out a second mortgage if you have to and put it all on Nick Foles and the Philadelphia Eagles.

Keep your head up.