Ice Cold Takes is a weekly humor column covering what is trending around the NHL. Usually dumb, often laughed at, occasionally lucky ā The Peter Chiarelli of sports columns.
The NHL is a different place in a post-Chiarelli world. Who will the New York Islanders poach from when building up their roster for a playoff push? Who is going to keep Milan Lucic employed after his contract runs out? Who is going to roll the dice with the most ludicrous one-for-one deals in history? Weāre going to miss the gambling man who was Peter Chiarelli.
Like with any gambler, though, the house always wins. In this case, the house is Edmonton. The Oilers start the process of revamping this team into a playoff contender today. Because the bottom half of the Western Conference is such a dumpster fire, the Oilers still have a chance to make a run.
This weekās column has a pretty distinct theme, but thatās only because I truly believe this will be the last time I can go in on Peter Chiarelli. Unless another team in need, full of precious assets, has a look at his resume and seeās the big, bolded ā2011 STANLEY CUP CHAMPIONSā and thinks āHmm, Letās roll the dice.ā In which case, this house will win.
Trending Up
Team puppies
Team dogs are a full-blown thing now and I canāt help but think Iām partially responsible. Not actually, but hockey and dogs were meant to be together and Iāve been posting dog videos in here every damn chance I get.
The NHL is all over this and thereās a growing list of NHL dogs that is getting longer every day. Some of these dogs are service dogs, some are mascots, some are just there to be adorable in social media posts, which is perfectly fine.
Keep Gritty away from these little guys. Canāt trust that animal. Not because heās the most untrustworthy looking mascot of all time, no.
Heās from Philly.
The Brad Marchand guyĀ
Thereās a guy who lives somewhere far away that everyone always jokes is Brad Marchand. If you simply Google āLittle angry manā youāll find him, but chances are you already know where Iām going with this because everyone on hockey Twitter compares this man to Brad Marchand.
Everyone says this guy is Brad Marchand. This man from Turkey (I think) probably has absolutely no idea who Brad Marchand is. Does this guy even know heās famous? Does he know that he is compared to one of the NHLās best players on a daily basis?
I would love for him to get to a Bruins game. The pictures of him and Marchand would be hilarious. It would also force more people to like him, which they should. You think comparing Brad to this guy hurts him? Have you seen Brad Marchandās Twitter responses? Youāre not hurting his feelings.
The Edmonton OilersĀ
The Edmonton Oilers fired Peter Chiarelli yesterday.Ā Itās bittersweet, because half of hockey Twitter was fueled by his content.Ā This was a long time coming, though, and whoever takes his place is in for a hell of a ride. Thereās one potential solution that would solve everything immediately, though. Stay with me.
Chiarelli decimated this team. He messed up their cap situation, gave away half of their good players and right as he was leaving, signed an untested goalie for an absurd amount, given heād only played a handful of NHL games. Now, the Oilers have to somehow fix this problem and compete.
Firing him now is like watching your wife crush a bag of chips then, just as she holds the bag upside down to get all the crumbs, asking āHey, you want to go get some food?ā What were you thinking? Thatās terrible timing! You knew she was hungry, why didnāt you ask before she cracked open the bag?
Hereās how you fix it: Trade Connor McDavid. Heās the best player in the league and the haul youād bring in would be ridiculous. Edmonton has done this before with Wayne Gretzky and they went on to win a Stanley Cup two years later. Gretzky never won again. Imagine whatĀ they would get for McDavid? Theyād have so many first round picks that it would be impossible to fail!
Edmonton fans reading this:
Okay thatās enough ripping on Edmonton. Poor Oilers fans have been through enough already.
Trending Down
Peter ChiarelliĀ
Psych! Weāre back! Chiarelli is getting dragged so much on Twitter that even a former player chimed in to let everyone know what he thought of this whole ordeal.
When the Oilers brought in Chiarelli, he was credited with bringing a Stanley Cup roster to Boston. This is like a random citizen being on the same plane as a doctor performing an emergency open heart surgery and then a hospital hiring him and asking him to do what the doctor did.
PC: āUhh yeah. So I think this little thingy gets attached to that one and we move this over hereā¦ā
Nurse: āSir, the patient is coding.ā
PC: āDamn it! Just take out all these organs out and give them away to anyone who needs help.ā
Anaheim DucksĀ
Speaking of Yikes, the Ducks are atrocious. There was a stretch earlier in the season where they won a bunch of games and it felt like they were going to be actual contenders. That feeling is so far gone it seems like it happened years ago.
Whatās crazy is that they are still only two points out of a wild card spot. Theyāve lost 14 of their last 16 games and sport a horrifying -33 goal differential (which looks out-of-place given they are only two spots back of a playoff spot and surrounded by teams in the -10 range) but the Western Conference is so top-heavy that they still might get in.
After Calgary, Nashville, Winnipeg, San Jose and Vegas thereās a 7 point drop to Minnesota, then another gap between them andĀ the teams fighting for a wild card. The three conference bottom dwellers: Edmonton, Chicago and Los Angeles are only three, seven and eight points out of a playoff spot. This is ridiculous. The gap between the top and bottom groups of the Western Conference is as wide as the gap in most hockey playersā teeth.
Hereās to hoping Peter Chiarelli has a job by this time next week so we can all benefit from the yard sale that is to follow.
Keep your head up!