A Super Bowl LIII Debate: Would you rather spoon and cuddle with Bill Belichick or kiss Tom Brady on the lips?
FanSided‘s Mark Carman was at Super Bowl LIII asking the important questions, like this hypothetical mind bender: Would you rather spoon with Bill Belichick or kiss Tom Brady on the lips?
Wow. The internet has been riddled with these types of “no right answer” questions lately and this one might take the cake. Good on Carman for coming up with this brutal question in the first place. This Sophie’s choice-like question is enough to keep someone up at night.
Here’s a clip of the players answering this nightmarish hypothetical:
Carman only gets a definitive answer from one of the players asked, but all of the reactions are great. Not answering is probably the right answer, but even though most of these players didn’t give an answer, you know they were thinking about this one at the end of the day.
Let me just start by saying like Rams DE Ethan Westbrooks, I would be six feet under before doing either of those things. I have nothing against spooning or kissing anyone, in any way, but I have everything against Bill Belichick and Tom Brady. In fact, I’m slightly upset with Carman for putting the scenario in my head. Not too upset, but upset enough to resurface this video of him learning how to kick a football from Cody Parkey (hint: It didn’t go well).
Looking back and knowing what we know, this video is hilarious. Not only because Carman missed a 19-yard attempt short, but because Parkey almost doinked it from the same distance.
Sorry, Mark. Got off-track for a second. Let’s get back to the hypothetical question at hand. In a “gun-to-the-head” scenario, would you rather spoon with Bill Belichick or kiss Tom Brady on the lips. Let’s weigh out the two options.
Spooning with Belichick: The positives in this scenario is that you’re suddenly awarded a great learning opportunity. Belichick is a wealth of football knowledge and some one-on-one time with him could be beneficial to your career. You’d instantly become a part of his coaching tree, so you’d be offered head coaching jobs no matter how terrible of a coach you actually are (*cough* McDaniels *cough*).
The negatives far outweigh the positives. First, you know he isn’t going to be having a good time. The man lives with a scowl on his face and if he’s cuddling with you as part of a sports media website’s dare, there’s a 100% chance he isn’t happy about it.
In a best case scenario, he enjoys your conversation. Maybe you do too. Maybe you grow attached and the two of you schedule another cuddle sesh. The problem here is that Belichick is a known cheater. He’s probably spooning your friends, or spying on you, or deflating your tires so you can’t get to him while he spoons your friends and spies on you. What a jerk.
Kissing Tom Brady: Gisele Bundchen kisses Tom Brady, so it can’t be that bad, right? Wrong. It would be bad. It would be terrible. Did you see how long he made his son kiss him for? It was a full 15 seconds. While he was getting a massaged. There’s nothing wrong with kissing your kids, but Tom, the way you did it and choosing to have it as part of the documentary – That was weird.
The upside is that Tom is in phenomenal shape for an old man. Perhaps some of that fountain of youth he’s tapped into would automatically come your way from kissing him. That would be far easier than adopting the TB12 method. “Hey lets drink a few gallons of water so we don’t get sunburnt! Oh, and put down those strawberries – they’re bad for you.” Seriously?
The upside to kissing Tom would be that every man and woman in Massachusetts would immediately view you as a celebrity. You’d become Boston royalty and, assuming he enjoyed it, might get a parade invite the next time a Boston sports team wins a championship. Notice I said a Boston sports team and not the Patriots. That’s because they are done. They won’t win. The dynasty is over and Brady can have all the kisses he wants after he’s forced into retirement on Sunday.
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