Ice Cold Takes: The Western wild card war, NHL milestones, Blackhawks are legit

Ice Cold Takes is a weekly humor column covering what is trending around the NHL. Happy birthday to Steven Stamkos (and me).

As we approach the NHL trade deadline, several key names are being tossed around. Perhaps the most important of those is the breadman, Artemi Panarin. Whoever lands Panarin is likely going to be making a playoff push and until checking the stats moments ago, I didn’t realize that team could be Chicago.

Yes, that Chicago. The bottom-dwelling Blackhawks are currently five spots back of a wild card spot (13th in the western conference) but only three points out of said spot. Obviously that means anyone in the West right now is still in play, but the ‘Hawks have won five straight and breadman absolutely loved playing with Patrick Kane before going to Columbus.

What would be even crazier is the Kings (dead last but only six points back) making the playoffs. There’s a boatload of playoff experience at the bottom of the Western Conference. If Chicago doesn’t stay hot, one of these other bottom-of-the-West teams, with a piece or two added at the deadline, could make the playoffs. Insane.

Not you, Edmonton. It won’t be you.

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Patrice Bergeron 

The greatest two-way NHL player of all time notched two goals in his 1000th game. What a special moment for Patrice and for the game of hockey. Bergeron’s second goal came on one of the classiest pasta dishes you’ll ever see served:

A lot of players, especially those near the top of the scoring leader board, would have taken that goal. Not David Pastrnak. He could have walked it in but looked back to make sure his leader was there and dropped him the puck for his second goal of the game. Class act.

Alex Ovechkin 

A week of milestones in the NHL wouldn’t be complete without Alex Ovechkin breaking some sort of record. On Tuesday evening, Alex Ovechkin passed Sergei Federov to become the highest scoring Russian NHL player of all time.

Ovechkin’s 1,180 point came as an assist on a T.J. Oshie goal in his 1,055th game. This apple put him above Federov (and counting) and by the time he’s done, he’ll likely remain the highest scoring Russian player of all time forever. It’s worth noting that Ovechkin hit this mark in 193 fewer games than Federov. Ovi leads the Caps this season with 37 goals and 21 assists.

The letter from Ovechkin’s parents after he broke the record is adorable. Read it if you have a few minutes to spare (which you obviously do, if you are reading this column). Once finished, answer this question for me: Are all Russian’s nicknamed Sasha?

This guy 

Christ, man. Calm down.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BsjuFbeBwR7/

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Anaheim “Mighty” Ducks

The Miami Marlins have decided to enhance fan enjoyment by adding new foods, an in-game host and “Marlins Mermaids.” Basically, they are dangling a shiny bauble in front of fans so that they don’t look at the trash on the field. Many think that this is a relatively new idea, but the Anaheim Ducks have been doing this all season.

Thank God the Mighty Ducks franchise wasn’t about the Kings or Coyotes because Anaheim has been milking every ounce of fandom from this franchise this year to avoid any commentary on how terrible their team is playing. They invited the Ducks cast to a game, brought back the old jerseys and recently, released these posters of the current players in Mighty Ducks movie uniforms, along with meet-and-greet opportunities.

https://twitter.com/AnaheimDucks/status/1093222463909982210

I’m sorry but you haven’t earned the right to wear those. Ducks fly together, but the only ones flying for Anaheim this season are the teams lucky enough to play against them.

Edmonton Oilers 

Uh oh. We have our first jersey toss of this Oilers season. It’s not surprising and we’ve seen it before with franchises like this who just can’t seem to get it together. Still, everything seems to really sink in once that first jersey hits the ice.

Look. There are a large number of team officials, players, media members and fans who scoff at this. They say it’s stupid, disrespectful, wasteful, etc.

Here’s a solution: Be better. How many times do you see Tampa Bay Lightning jerseys being thrown on the ice? Never. “But they don’t care as much about hockey.” Okay, fine. Look at the Detroit Red Wings. A team with a long history of good management and success is currently in a rebuild. Fans understand this and refrain from throwing jerseys because they know their team is in good hands and/or they’ve had a ton of fun winning in their lives.

The best way to stop jersey throwing is to not run a franchise into the ground like the Edmonton Oilers are doing. If you don’t like jersey throwing or burning, that’s fine, but don’t complain when someone chooses to waste their own money doing this. Just be better.

You know what? It was probably one of those knock-off jerseys from overseas. ARREST HIM!

Anaheim Ducks 

Oh? Did we mention the Ducks already? Too bad. Anaheim has lost five straight games and judging by the scores, you’d think they were playing baseball, not hockey. Over their past five games, the ducks have been outscored 27-6. TWENTY-SEVEN TO SIX! They lost to the Jets by a score of 9-3. Scoring nine goals in an NHL game is almost unheard of these days.

How the hell is this team only three points back of a playoff spot? The West is in a weird place right now. Anaheim could easily turn it on and end up in that second wild card spot. Crazy, crazy stuff going on this season.

It’s okay, Ducks fans. If they don’t turn it around (they probably won’t) you can still go hang out with the one guy who will never graduate from Saturday Night Live, Kenan Thompson.

Keep your head up!