Ice Cold Takes is a weekly NHL humor column. The hockey column where everything is made up and the points don’t matter.
That’s from Whose Line is it Anyway? Remember that show? I always liked Wayne Brady the most. I don’t think he was the funniest of the four but he was definitely the most charismatic. That man could light up a room. Whoops, we’re off track. Let’s get into the NHL stuff.
Oh my God! The NHL had an exciting trade deadline! Sure, 90% of the day was slow and boring (as usual) but in the final 5 minutes before the deadline, everyone went wild. Just about every big name that was teased on everyone’s trade bait board ended up going to a contender. All but Artemi Panarin because the Columbus Blue Jackets decided they were going to try to
win a Stanley Cup
get out of the first round this post-season.
This week, we’ll run with NHL trade deadline winners and losers as opposed to the regular trending format.
Winners
Winnipeg Jets
The Jets added a second line center and about 15 other random players you probably haven’t heard of. Kevin Hayes was a huge addition to this team and they got him without giving up Jack Roslovic. Big win for the Jets.
Unfortunately for them, half of the teams in the West also got stronger. The Vegas Golden Knights picked up arguably the best player available in Mark Stone, the Dallas Stars landed Mats Zuccarello and the Nashville Predators bolstered their line up with both Wayne Simmonds and Mikael Granlund. Have fun in the playoffs, Western Conference.
Boston Bruins
The Bruins added Marcus Johansson, Charlie Coyle and noted suitcase Lee Stempniak. Top six forward, third line center and the guy who is contractually obligated to pack up and move every NHL trade deadline. Oh, and don’t worry about MoJo’s history with Brad Marchand. He feels the same way you do.
Vegas Golden Knights
The Knights landed the player of the day in Mark Stone. He goes from the horrid dumpster fire that is the Ottawa Senators to the team that everyone on Earth wants to play for, the Vegas Golden Knights. Imagine how incredible he must have felt hopping on an escalator out of hell and riding it all the way up to the pearly gates of heaven. The Knights might well be back in the Stanley Cup final again this year.
Even though the Senators gave up everything, they managed to add a future star player in Erik Brannstrom. A stud Swedish defenseman playing for the Ottawa Senators. What could go wrong?
This goaltender
This guy is sick of your team and your fighting and it’s time he takes things into his own hands. This is the ultimate petty goalie move. Good on him for knowing how easily the stick would break by angling it that way in the net.
Gary Bettman
Old people, you’re on notice. There are a bunch of NHL old timers and grumpy old men who dislike the Carolina Hurricanes’ postgame storm surge celebration. The celebration is widely loved by fans and players in the organization but many are quick to call it “gimmicky” or “disrespectful.” Don Cherry (who I usually tend to agree with) went as far as to call them all “jerks.” Here’s a quote from Gary Bettman, who recently spoke at a press conference in Raleigh:
"“I happened to talk to some of the players this morning about it, and we had a fun conversation. The players enjoy doing it. That’s important. The fans enjoy seeing it. To me, that’s the most important element as to what goes on after a game when there’s a win,” Bettman said. “I consider Don Cherry a friend, and I respect him, but we can agree to disagree on certain things. The fact is, how fanbases connect with our game evolves over time. What might work in an Original 6 city might not work in a city or market that’s newer to the game. Think back to the Mighty Ducks of Anaheim on Opening Night and Wild Wing propelling from the rafters. People said, ‘Oh, my. How could you do that?’ Think about Nashville with the chants and rituals they have and involving country music. That’s different. Think about what goes on now in Las Vegas. What each team does to connect with its fans is going to be tailored for their fans and their market. As long as the people involved are feeling good about it, then who’s to complain?”"
Gary f*****g Bettman, ladies and gents. This is the second cool thing I can remember Bettman ever saying. I don’t remember specifics on the first but I do remember being disgusted to write praise about him in ICT last year. Yuck.
Losers
Toronto Maple Leafs
The Leafs made their big trade to acquire a D-man at the start of the month. Boooooring! You lose the deadline because we’re judging solely based on one day. That being said – Thank you, Leafs, for not making this deal on Monday because it would have stolen 95 percent of the headlines.
Columbus Blue Jackets
The Jackets added a ton of talent to their roster at the deadline. After landing Ryan Dzingel, Matt Duchene, and our favorite defenseman Darth Quaider, they have successfully built the best Blue Jackets team ever that will exit in the first round of the NHL playoffs.
You can’t fault a team for going for it but the Jackets are in the loser category because after their first-round exit, everyone is going to leave and they’ll be out a bunch of draft picks. Props to going for it, though. We’re all cheering for you to get to round two!
TSN (Canadian ESPN)
TSN (ESPN+ in the States) hosts a day-long trade deadline special in which they fill 12 hours of television by interviewing Nik Stauskas, playing dumb games and checking their phones. This year, they tried to cash in on Gritty love by bringing in their own degenerate loser mascot. Enter: Tradey.
This is quite possibly the most “how do you do, fellow kids” moment that has ever happened on a sports television network. Ugly, rude mascots are cool? Okay, let’s make a very ugly, very rude one and piggyback on Gritty’s success. “People will love it,” said some out of touch middle-aged man.
People hated it. Gritty rose to the top because he was introduced (birthed?) naturally. He came out of nowhere. Gritty wasn’t grasping for attention or trying to spice up an otherwise boring day solely for ratings. He was just there, being Gritty, from day one. You can’t force Gritty. That being said, some of Tradey’s tweets were gold.
Okay, Tradey is pretty funny. It’s the way he was used that wasn’t. Maybe he can move to Ottawa and take over mascot duties there. What’s left of their team is the only thing uglier than Tradey himself.
Every team in the NHL not named the Lightning
The Lightning are winning the Stanley Cup. This is… I’m offended by this.
In the end, a bunch of teams won the deadline but all it took was this Nikita Kucherov highlight to show us why the Tampa Bay Lightning weren’t active on deadline day and none of the other moves mattered. They’ve already won the Cup.
Keep your head up.