Ice Cold Takes: A super accurate preview of the NHL playoffs

Ice Cold Takes is a weekly humor column focused on what is trending around the NHL. Spoiler alert: This week will lay down exactly how the first round of the NHL playoffs will play out.

The NHL playoffs are less than a week away, which is exciting but also terrifying for hockey fans who just want to get through these final games without any significant injuries (Please sit Bandon Carlo). The season ends on Sunday, but the playoffs only start on April 9th, so fans from the still ridiculously close Central Division will have a few days to cool down.

The rest of the NHL playoffs are pretty well set. The Columbus Blue Jackets are set up to lose in the first round, the Canadiens will be on the outside, looking in and fans will be treated to another Boston Bruins vs. Toronto Maple Leafs

media sh*t storm

first round series.

Things could change in the final game, but let’s predict based on the predicted match-ups for simplicity’s sake.

Eastern Conference

1. Tampa Bay Lightning vs WC2. Columbus Blue Jackets

Not much to predict here. The best NHL team in recent history will enter the playoffs against the team that is sworn to lose in the first round every season. These two should just shake hands and move on. It’s sad for Columbus, who sold their souls for half of the Senators roster and will likely be losing all of their good players (so… just Panarin) in a couple of months. They still have Adam McQuaid though, so you can’t fully rule them out.

Prediction: Tampa Bay Lightning win series 4-1

2. Boston Bruins vs 3. Toronto Maple Leafs 

The series that Toronto media has feared for months (because it’s been locked in for months). The Toronto Maple Leafs will try their best to get over the hump that is the Bruins this post season. The series has been a dramatic coin flip in past meetings, but the Bruins have always had the upper hand. They are a more rounded team with more veteran leadership and two starting goaltenders. Still, this series will probably go to seven games and take years off my life.

Is it time to change the playoff format? Definitely. It’s ridiculous that if the Bruins beat Toronto they’ll be rewarded with a date in Tampa Bay. What a stupid schedule. The Metropolitan Division gets to dick around for three weeks while the top three teams in the East battle it out for a shot at playing the rested Capitals. It “creates rivalries” or whatever, sure, but it’s stupid. You know what else creates rivalries? Making up your own house rules to beer pong and only using them when you are losing. I SEE YOU, JEFF WILSON!

Prediction: Boston Bruins win series 4-3 (The FanSided curse is NOT REAL)

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1. Washington Capitals vs WC1. Carolina Hurricanes 

The Capitals are coming off a Stanley Cup win, playing a younger team that’s spent a lot of time in the media spotlight this season. This should be a fun series. The ‘Canes’ storm surge took a lot of heat from grumpy old men this year but for most of us regular folk, it was pretty fun to watch. Hopefully these “bunch of jerks” can steal a couple of games from the champs and make this interesting.

Prediction: Washington Capitals win series 4-2

2. NY Islanders vs 3. Pittsburgh Penguins

I love the Islanders. They have the hottest guy in the NHL (looks-wise), Mat Barzal, they have a Stanley Cup winning coach and possibly the two best goaltenders in the league this season. Here’s why they will lose: They play the Pittsburgh Penguins. Pens/Caps round two match up is inevitable and if you were smart like me, you’d jump back on the “Caps will choke” train. Last year was a fluke. Phil the Thrill will score 11 goals in four games and the Islanders will try again next year.

Prediction: Pittsburgh Penguins win series 4-0

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Western Conference

1. Calgary Flames vs. WC2. Colorado Avalanche

The Calgary Flames have been a bit of a surprise this year. They were supposed to be good, but not this good. The Colorado Avalanche are less surprising, relying on their top line to claw them into a playoff spot. The Flames roster looks like the cast of the damn Bachelorette. Bunch of good-looking young men. Seriously, the Sean Monahan glow up pictures are insane. Look at this kid on his draft night:

And look at him today:

Prediction: Calgary Flames win series 4-2

2. San Jose Sharks vs. 3. Vegas Golden Knights 

This is the only series in the West that is set in stone. The best part of this series will be the pregame introductions. Vegas is obviously in a world of their own when it comes to this but let’s not forget that San Jose does that thing where they get Celebrities to open the door and let the players in! The low-camera angle turn around is ELECTRIC!

Prediction: San Jose Sharks win series 4-3

1. Winnipeg Jets vs WC1. Dallas Stars

This is a complete crap-shoot. The Central Division and wild card spots in the West could be any combination of the five teams involved. One of Nashville, St. Louis or Winnipeg could take the top seed and either Dallas or Colorado could end up in either wild card spot. Let’s just say it’s Winnipeg vs. Dallas. It doesn’t matter because we’re heading for Winnipeg vs. Nashville part two in the second round.

Precition: Winnipeg Jets win series 4-3

2. Nashville Predators vs. 3. St. Louis Blues 

Again, either one of these teams could be first, second or third in the Central so just pretend this is how it works out. If not, substitute the names accordingly because if this is Winnipeg and St. Louis, the Jets will win and play the Predators in the second round. The hockey Gods love watching two Stanley Cup-caliber teams beat the hell out of each other in the second round of the NHL playoffs.

Prediction: Nashville Predators win series 4-3

The NHL playoffs are the greatest playoffs in any sport. Sit back, relax (yeah right) and enjoy the magical months that are these playoffs. If you’re a Canadiens fan, you won’t be in the NHL playoffs and I’m truly sorry for your heartbreak…

NOT. Keep wasting Carey Price, losers! Maybe next year, eh? At least you won all those Cups back in the 1800’s…

Keep your head up.