Ice Cold Takes: Cuplumbus, burning jerseys, the Mitch Marner hype train

Ice Cold Takes is a humor column covering what is trending around the NHL. The playoffs are underway and Columbus fans already have their hopes up.

The NHL playoffs are underway and night’s one and two have already provided more buzz than a random Meryl Streep movie you’ve never heard of suddenly popping up during awards season. Surprisingly (or not really surprisingly at all), the most buzz has come from the Columbus Blue Jackets on night one.

Columbus started the NHL playoffs exactly as we expected. They were down 3-0 to the Tampa Bay Lightning and looked as though they were headed for a game 1 route. All of a sudden, the Jackets were reminded that this was Game 1 of a series they were destined to lose. They fired off four unanswered goals and won the first game of the five-game series by a score of 4-3.

The rest of night one was as insane. The Winnipeg Jets thought hitting the post was scoring in their loss to the St. Louis Blues and the New York Islanders treated their wild, raucous fan base to not one, but two overtime winning goals. Dallas also won.

On Thursday The Washington Capitals beat up on the Carolina Hurricanes, who were clearly too focused on post-game celebrations and not on winning hockey games. The Calgary Flames dominated the Colorado Avalanche by a score of 4-0 and other than that, no other games happened. There is nothing else to report.

Trending Up

Cup-lumbus Blue Jackets 

If I could go back in time and find the ICT I wrote right after the Blue Jackets went up on the Capitals 2-0 in the first round of the playoffs (I could definitely do this but it would take some time and I’m lazy). I’ll summarize: “Haha! The Caps stink! They are choking again!” Replace Caps with Lightning and you have 2019. I’m not the only one who thinks the Lightning are finished…

Looks about right. Tampa Bay sports fans have awoken for the playoffs so they can get upset about their team that always chokes. You can rack up 200 points in the regular season, it doesn’t matter if you can’t show up for the Stanley Cup Playoffs.

Michael Scott 

Not the one from the office. Philadelphia 76ers forward Mike Scott is obviously aware of the other Michael Scott and showed this with an A+ Office reference for the beginning of the playoffs on Wednesday. Sure, it’s a Wilkes-Barre Scranton Penguins jersey but it’s still deserving of a spot in this column.

https://twitter.com/sn_nhl/status/1116164052332490752

Office references this good deserve recognition. Props to Mike Scott for posting this and I guess paying a lot of money for a jersey that says “From Dwight” that can really only be used for this one reference…

Mitch Marner 

Wow is this kid ever good! Mitch Marner, ladies and gentlemen! The NHL’s first future $13 million dollar superstar was in one on Thursday night, torching the Bruins almost single-handedly in route to a 4-1 Maple Leafs win in game 1.

If you live in Canada (and maybe parts of the States) you also got to see his child-like face during EVERY SINGLE COMMERCIAL BREAK. The newest Visa commercial features Marner trying to feed a $5 bill into some kind of machine on the back of his phone to pay to listen to Imagine Dragons.

Consider me triggered.

If you haven’t seen the commercial, Mitch Marner is in the dressing room listening to trash music when his GameBoy-sized phone cuts out and asks for more money. He flips it over and tries to feed a $5 into it but it’s too crumpled. He and William Nylander then try to flatten it. It’s possibly the least relatable commercial in television history.

No one on Earth who isn’t clinically insane would pay $5 to listen to that “Lightning and the Thunder” song. Also, a contraption on the back of a phone that collects money like a vending machine… Did I miss a few years in the early 2000’s where this was a thing? I’ll be cutting my Visa in half as retaliation to this (and not paying off the balance. Fight me, Visa).

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Nazem Kadri

As is playoff tradition, Toronto Maple Leafs scumbag Nazem Kadri has already done something dirty. It took all of a period and a half for Kadri to slew foot Bruins forward Jake DeBrusk in Thursday’s tilt. Twitter blew up with the Kadri vs. Marchand argument, which Toronto fans actually think makes sense. Let’s take a look.

Solid. Clean play… Nazem Kadri is the player that Toronto Maple Leafs fans think Brad Marchand is. Marchand, a perennial NHL superstar who has cleaned up his act, gets dragged by Toronto fans constantly because they think he is Boston’s version of Kadri. The difference is that Marchand is actually really good. Kadri is an okay hockey player who also happens to be a complete dirtbag.

Stop comparing these two players. Kadri will never be on the same level as Marchand. Focus on dulling the hype around Mitch Marner and finding ways you can convince him and his dad that he isn’t worth $13 million.

Productivity 

It’s spring in most places that aren’t Canada, meaning it’s the time of year to get things done! You’re probably rolling into the weekend on a high, thinking you’ll crack down on that list of projects you made over the winter. Think again.

NHL playoffs, The Masters, NBA playoffs, Game of Thrones. Between these four things, you actually have no time to do anything. There’s less free time this weekend than is mathematically possible. We’re looking at 49 hours of being glued to the television in a 48 hour weekend. Buckle up, it’s going to be a bumpy ride.

From Friday after work until Sunday at midnight, it’s probably a good idea to move your fridge into the living room. Make sure you find a minute to get to the liquor store today because you probably aren’t going to be able to move until Monday morning. Maybe even call in sick to recuperate. This weekend is basically a job for hardcore sports fans.

You know what? Just quit. They’ll hire you back in June.

That’s a poorly-timed “related story” link, isn’t it? Relax, it’s only been one game.

Keep your head up.